I'll Be Out Of The Office All Day, But If You Need To Reach Me...

Look, I’m sorry I didn’t post anything Monday. Work was nuts…then to make up for it I posted twice Tuesday and they were celebrity news items. Slacking - I know.

Well, today isn’t going to be any better because it is now post time (at least it is at 1pm) so I’ll be in lovely Saratoga gambling, drinking and ogling. That means no chance of multiple posts today. None. This is it.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how much you like me) I wrote this last week and was saving it. It’s not Pacman-and-MOE-long or Jessica-Alba-sexy, but it’s something. So without further ado… may I present to you:

Me, My Blog, and I

I noticed in the comments recently that there were some questions about the blog. I thought that it might be a good idea to create a Frequently Asked Questions thread. I’ll post this, throw a link up on the side and add to the FAQ’s whenever something comes up. So if you’re reading this sometime in the future you can ignore this whole paragraph because you’ve obviously clicked here because you had a question that you thought could be answered here. If so, feel free to jump to the next sentence.

FAQ’s

FAQ: What’s a “blog?”
Answer: A really badass way to say “online diary.”

FAQ: Who the fuck is Ron Mexico?
Answer: Michael Vick. Here’s the story. (The Smoking Gun) Here’s BradyFan83. You can’t possibly have any other questions.

FAQ: I thought everybody was calling him “Ookie” now? (KSK)
Answer: Yes, since the indictment, Ookie has become the new Mike Vick name of choice in the blogging community - or “blogosphere.”

FAQ: Doesn’t that make the name of this blog antiquated?
Answer: Yeah. No. Shut up. Look, when I started this blog half a year ago, Ron Mexico was old news, but new to me. Besides, Cousins of Ookie just sounds fucking stupid.

FAQ: Why “cousins?”
Answer: Why not cousins?

FAQ: How many people write for this site?
Answer: Just one. Me.

FAQ: Who does all the shitty Photoshop work?
Answer: I do. You’re a mean little prick aren’t you?

FAQ: Why did you start this “blog?”
Answer: So my friends would have something to make them laugh at work.

FAQ: Does it work?
Answer: Not really.

FAQ: Can I contribute?
Answer: No, the quality of work here is poor enough already. Besides, I wouldn’t want to drag you down with me.

FAQ: Why do you post so many pictures of scantily clad women?
Answer: What are you? Gay?

FAQ: How do you tell how many people visit the site?
Answer: Sitemeter.

FAQ: What’s that?
Answer: A website that measures visits. If you want a good laugh, it’s the little multicolored box at the bottom of the page.

FAQ: Why don’t you ever post any naked chicks here?
Answer: This is a site I want everybody to visit at work and not get fired if their boss happens by.

FAQ: There barely wearing anything as it is.
Answer: It’s 2007. If a hot girl with some cleavage is going to get you fired, then it’s time to find a new job. It’s not like this is [Website redacted] (do I really need to tell you that this link is NSFW?) you fucking Puritan.

FAQ: Why do you swear so much?
Answer: To help mask the fact that I’m not a very good writer.

FAQ: I think you’re a pretty good writer.
Answer: That’s more of a compliment than a question, but thank you.

FAQ: I thought you always used to say that you would never write anything you wouldn’t want your grandmother to read?
Answer: I did, but that was for the school newspaper. Besides, my grandmother couldn’t turn on a computer, let alone find this site.

FAQ: Why don’t you write everyday?
Answer: Sometimes my job actually occupies me. Believe me, I’d much rather be looking for pictures of Scarlett Johansson and giving you a play-by-play of every PBR I consumed the night before while I watched Ninja Warrior in High Def.

FAQ: If you like blogging so much and work sometimes gets in the way, why don’t you just blog when you get home.
Answer: That’s drinking time, silly.

FAQ: Why can’t you write and drink at the same time?
Answer: The quality of the product might suffer.

FAQ: Seriously, who could tell the difference?
Answer: Good point.

FAQ: You write a lot about gambling – do you have a problem?
Answer: It’s not a problem if you’re winning!

FAQ: So you win a lot?
Answer: No. :-(

FAQ: It’s raining outside, what do you suggest?
Answer: An umbrella-ella-ella-a-a-a-o.

FAQ: You also write about drinking a lot. Is that another problem?
Answer: It’s not a problem if….I’ve got nothing.

FAQ: What happened to the picture of you chugging cheap beer?
Answer: Actually, that was me drinking good beer in an English pub. I think it was Kronenburg 1664. Also, I wasn’t chugging. I’m not much of a chugger. I don’t sprint, I’m more of a marathon drinker.

FAQ: Who the hell are all these people you always talk about?
Answer: Bill Simmons has J-Bug, Hench, Sully, Blue Boy (Blue Boy may or may not be a person made up by bloggers). I have Marv, Kyle, Mike, Justin, Ben, Foker, Chris, Pat and Slobadow.

FAQ: Why should I care about them?
Answer: You shouldn’t give a shit about them. They suck. They’re my friends and not yours.

FAQ: Well why do you mention them?
Answer: I don’t have time to meet all your friends and write about them.


FAQ: Who is “MOE?”
Answer: MOE stands for Member Of Entourage. I don’t know any of Pacman Jones’ friends either - and don’t think I want to.

FAQ: Is there a minimum amount of money I have to win at OTB before I can make it rain?
Answer: Yes, 37 dollars.

FAQ: How much does this job pay?
Answer: What job?

FAQ: Blogging?
Answer: None money - I do this for fun. No money can make me feel as good as knowing I made Pat smile. I also get a big kick out of writing “booze hound” and “silver dollar pancake.”

FAQ: So if someone offered you money to do this you would turn it down.
Answer: Fuck no! I’d take the money and run.

FAQ: So you would sell out?
Answer: I’d sell out so fast your computer would fall off you desk.

FAQ: Do you really visit the sites on your blogroll? Or are they just listed so they will hopefully give you love back?
Answer: I love every single one of those sites.

FAQ: How can I get on the blogroll?
Answer: Make me laugh.

FAQ: So this black guy walks into a bar…
Answer: Nice try.

FAQ: Why don’t you write about hockey?
Answer: Come on, this is America.

FAQ: You say this is a sports blog, so why don’t you write about a real sport, like hockey?
Answer: Alright, fine. Next hockey season, I’ll cover it extensively. I’ll do a round-up type thing every morning. Happy?

FAQ: Let’s get down to brass tacks - how much for the ape?
Answer: I don't know what you're talking about.

FAQ: Why aren’t there more pictures of Jessica Biel?
Answer: I’m doing the best I can. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t really cognizant of Biel until recently.

FAQ: Hey, doesn’t I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry open today?
Answer: No. That promotion is over.

FAQ: Are you really going to see it?
Answer: Not a chance in hell.

FAQ: Why aren’t there ever any pictures of Ashlee Simpson?
Answer: I hate her.

FAQ: Do you have any advice about pizza consumption?
Answer: Yes, I do. I love pizza and have a rule of thumb I use so I don’t eat too much pizza: Don’t eat pizza twice a day more than 4 times a week. Write that down.

FAQ: Are you ever going to get a hair cut?
Answer: Get off my back, Mom.

FAQ: Can I buy you a drank?
Answer: I don’t know what that means, but if it means you’re going to purchase me a beer - yes. Yes you can buy me a drank.

FAQ: Is Tony Soprano dead?
Answer: I hope so because David Chase doesn’t deserve another dollar from the American public. All I know is that The Sopranos is dead to me.

If you have any questions for me to add to the FAQ… you know the drill.