I'm the quarterback! I'm popular!

Jagshemesh!

“What's up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We're looking for somewhere to post up our Black asses for the night. So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet, nigga. Just a couple of pimps, no hos.”

I just watched Borat last night for the first time since buying it this week and, yeah, it’s still pretty funny. Warrants mentioning.

Christian lives at home and doesn’t have high-speed internet so he can’t watch any of the videos I link to. He wants more pictures. Okay, Christian, I’ll give you some more pictures. I still don’t understand why you can’t watch the videos. I know you don’t have Road Runner, but I know for a fact that your mom has DSL.

Here’s something for Christian, its Gisele Bundchen who Tom Brady just apparently knocked up. Every site on the web is going to be telling this story if for no other reason than to show a picture of Gisele. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Team Brady 2 – Mortal Men 0. Can you imagine what the NFL Draft is going to be like in 2029? Between Brady's two bastard offpsring and Matt Leinart's kid there are going to be three lucky teams. Maybe the Raiders can finally get a quarterback. Seriously though, between those three kids there won't be a virgin female left on the planet in the early 30's.

Though you should all see the newest trailer for Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie Film For Theaters. I know Christian can’t see it, but doesn’t that make watching it even better?

Another video Christian can’t see: It’s some kids with boxing gloves. This has to end well. And it does! Yippee! I think the second video is of Canadians. (Via With Leather)

Oh yeah, in case no one heard, Peyton Manning attended a Super Sweet 16 this weekend for the cool appearance price of $200,000. There he was photographed “dancing” (it’s Peyton Manning folks, come on) with what I at first thought was a girl way to hot to be the birthday girl.

Turns out it was. It was Bollywood (Indian Film) star Mallika Sherawat who is quite the controversial little hussy in her homeland. I say go for it Peyton. She looks like the kind of girl who could get down to some Kenny Loggins. (Via Deadspin and SportsbyBrooks)

Am I the first to wonder if people are going to start questioning Peyton's ability to get "it" done? Brady's already got 2 and Manning still doesn't have any big wins. It's like the Super Bowl thing all over again. Peyton just can't win.

An airline that goes above and beyond...

Okay, that is the greatest story I have ever heard in my life.

Read that.

Can you imagine how fucking hot this bitch has to be? If she is any worse than an 11 – I will be severely disappointed in my new hero, Oscar Gonzalez. Can you imagine a girl so hot that you can’t even make it to the bathroom so you can join the solo-mile-high club? I mean, just fucking wow. The best part is he spooned! Spooned! He fucking cuddled! It must have been out of this world.

Most guys won’t cuddle if their in a relationship so what is she so upset about?

Can you imagine being on a flight listening to your iPod when all of a sudden you see this really hot girl duck-walking down the aisle? From now on I’m always asking for an aisle seat. You never know when lightening could strike again. You don’t see this shit with your head resting on a pillow against the window.

Oh. My. God. There is a video. And I just watched it. It’s spectacular.

Oscar, you my friend, are the David Blaine of sexy time. This girl is trying to sleep and you spoon her, lift her shirt and walk away. What so magical? She didn’t feel it until he was walking away!

“Now for my next trick I’m going to need a volunteer from the audience.”

And how the fuck does Mark (“Victim’s Boyfriend”) feel? Who gives an interview in this situation? And smiles? I think he thinks it’s hilarious. Too bad for him he’ll never live this down.

You see folks there are a number of moments in your life that just dictate your legacy. You either make or miss the big shot. You hit the jackpot or you don’t buy a ticket. A quarter of an inch more and it would have went in. A quarter of an inch the other way and it would have missed completely. I can’t think of a comparable metaphor for Mark’s situation.

Seriously though, let’s think about this for a moment. I know if some random off-duty airline employee – wait. I’m going to edit that. I don’t care what the guy does for a living. I don’t care if it’s Ron Jeremy or my retarded cousin Keith, if somebody jerks off on my girlfriend it’s the last story I’m going to tell.

When your girlfriend calls you and tells you some guy just sidled up to her, cuddled, pulled up her shirt, finished his business and walked away you DO show up at the airport to try and make her forget the fact that she was just treated like an old copy of Playboy. You DO tell her that it’s alright and that you still love her. You DO try to make her forget about it.

You, however, DO NOT say yes to an interview request from a television station. As far as Mark should be concerned this was his 9/11. Fight Club rules apply. Rule number 1 – you do not talk about some random guy coming on your half asleep girlfriend. Rule number 2 – you do not talk about some random guy coming on your half asleep girlfriend.

…And about this half asleep thing. What? Did she think she was dealing with a bear? Just play dead and don’t make eye contact! Or was it more like in Joe Dirt where little Joe Dirt’s leg is getting humped by the old lady’s dog? “He’ll stop humping when he’s done.”

I mean, at what point of a stranger spooning you do you say something? Maybe she didn’t want to be rude? I mean what the fuck? Either she was asleep or not. Sleep or not, there is no try.
This isn’t like having your pocket picked. “What just happened!? I’m so confused. I swear I just had my wallet in my pocket – now it’s gone?”

Is this girl dumb?“I swear, I was sitting there in my ultra-comfortable NWA set with the tray table up and it all just happened in the blink of an eye! Before I knew it I had been spooned, jerked off on and he was out the door! I thought this only happens in high school.” Maybe she had a tattoo of a butterfly on her lower back and this guy just thought she would like it. I don’t know.

Anyway, enough about that poor girl who will be asking for a squeegee extension pack for Christmas.

Back to her dumbass boyfriend who – and I cannot stress this enough – went on television and did an interview about his girlfriend getting intimate with a guy who apparently handles more than just the baggage on some flights.

Seriously, Northwest Airlines should start including wet naps in their amenity bags.
Mark’s life is effectively over. There is no coming back from this. This just goes to show how dumb people are and how much they love the idea of being on television.

Actually, I know exactly how Mark will feel for the rest of his life.

Remember Jason Biggs’ line in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back after Jay refers to him as “the pie fucker?” "You see, man? You see? It's never... it's never 'Hey, hey, you were in Loser, weren't you?' or 'Dude, you rocked in Boys and Girls.'. NO, it always comes back to that fuckin' pie. I'm haunted by it!"

That is sums up the rest of Mark’s life. There is nothing he could possible do at any point for the rest of his life that will erase this from people’s memories.

Here’s some examples:

Situation 1: Mark destroys his friend Bob in a heated game of Madden.
Mark: “Oh boy! Yes, I whooped your ass Bob-o!”
Bob: “Fuck this shit, I’m going to jerk off on your girlfriend.”

Situation 2: Mark survives the biggest field in World Series of Poker history to win the 2011 Main Event.
Norman Chad: “Congratulations, Mark, you’ve just won 24 million dollars and outlasted the biggest field in WSOP history. How does it feel?”
Mark: “Oh, man. I don’t know what to say. This is just unbeli…”
Spectator: “HE CAN FINALLY BUY HIS GIRLFRIEND A REAL PEARL NECKLACE!”

Situation 3: Mark and his buddies are at a party and there is only one beer left. Mark grabs it.
Mark: “You guys don’t mind if I grab the last brew do ya?”
Jim: “Sure as long as you don’t mind me jerking off on your girlfriend while she tries to sleep in her seat on an airplane.”

Situation 4: Mark gets married. The Best Man is giving a toast. (We’ll call his future wife Amanda Smith.)

Best Man: “I've known Mark since college. I can't imagine there being a nicer guy int he world. He'd do anything for his friends. I was so happy when he found this special girl. I was a little surprised when he got engaged after only being together for a year. I asked Mark if he wasn't even a little bit scared of getting married? Mark said, 'No, I love her man.' It was heartwarming to see such a hound settle down. I mean back in college, Mark and I, we were pretty popular with the ladies - just kidding Mr. Smith! Ha! Seriously though, I was talking to Amanda last night about how excited she was to get into her wedding dress and walk to the Alter. She sai..."

Drunk friend who has always secretly loved Mark: “It’s no big deal! It’s not the first time she’s walked down an aisle covered in white!”
Best Man: Enjoy the reception!

What do you do with your Tuesday night?

It's tuesday so you know what that means! Time to catch some fucking predators! Whooo! I love Tuesday's. It's so great. I might have to write a whole bunch more on this in the future, but come on. Who doesn't love hearing these conversations read on national television? Tonight at 8pm on NBC.

Learn about Chris Hanson here. And if you see his car in the driveway of a potential date - keep driving.

I'll have to tape Dateline because I'll be watching the Mormon Assassin, Jimmer Fredette at the Civic Center with my brother who is currently washing Jimmer's jock with his teeth.

Tyler Hansbrough's Glass Jaw

I can’t go and be the first person with a blog to not comment on the Duke/Carolina game yesterday. I didn’t watch it and the SportsCenter highlights didn’t really faze me. Then I got to work today and saw the video and Billy Packer’s horrendous support of the Dookies. (Documented very well here) Personally, as someone who has played basketball competitively in their life – all the way through high school! – I have a feeling that when Gerald Henderson went after Tyler Hansbrough, it was with all the intent in the world. Here's the video:



I’m not saying that it was premeditated or that anyone sent him to do it. It was out of pure frustration. As everyone knows Duke/UNC is one of the most heated rivalries in all of sports. Duke is having an substandard year and UNC, their enemy, was handing them another loss. Some quick notes on what I’ve read at various spots online.

What was Tyler Hansbrough still doing in the game that was certainly over? Come on this is the A-Fucking-CC and it’s a 12 point game. Not exactly a blowout where you remove your starters one at a time with 3 minutes to go so they can each get standing ovations. You want Johnny Walk-On to be handling the ball in a 12-point game against the number 14 ranked team in the nation?

I've always disliked Duke's basketball program, but I've never been as heated as I was after Gerald Henderson's elbow to the face of Tyler Hansbrough in the closing seconds of UNC's 13-point win. The elbow had me upset enough, and I would've liked to see Hansbrough retaliate, but I guess the kid just has too much class for that.

This is borderline retarded. Hansbrough needed to be restrained. He got clocked viciously, went down, collected himself and then got up to go after the guy who smacked him in the face. It would have been a brawl if not for the quick action of his teammates, the Carolina coaching staff and the one ref. I don’t think Hansbrough was going over to pat Henderson on the ass for the good hustle.

Okay, now for Henderson’s intention. If you’ve played and lost and have a little bit of a temper you know what this kid was thinking – nothing. He was frustrated and saw an opportunity to take it out on someone who was a big part of the source of the frustration. He lost his head and tried to get a cheap shot.

And did he ever. You don’t run full speed at someone and take a vicious swing at someone’s face with your forearm on accident. It happens all the time. Somebody’s been beating your ass up and down the court all day and finally you just snap. They go up for a rebound and you shove them from behind. People are competitive. Some people are a little hot-headed, some more so.

Finally, if you hit somebody and don’t mean it, isn’t your first reaction – “Shit! Sorry, man. You okay?” Henderson walked away like he just carried out a hit. Henderson deserves the game suspension. I feel for the kid. He actually dodged a bullet when Hansbrough was held back. This is Duke/Carolina! These college rivalries are powder kegs waiting to go off. Look what happened at The U this football season. Shit jumps off real quick.

The worst part was that Packer took this opportunity to tell the world how much he wants Coach K to tickle his balls. It’s a prime example and a big part of why watching sports on television can be real fucking frustrating at times. It just gets annoying.

On a lighter note, something Deadspin mentioned, but I’m not sure if it was to this specifically – the reaction of the male cheerleaders at the end. Abso-fucking-lutely hilarious! He’s clapping and then gives a high five to a fellow Cheer-meater. What is he applauding at this point?

Male Cheerleader #1:“Ooh, Brian look! That meanie from Duke is being asked to leave the basketball court!”
Male Cheerleader #2: “Good, he wasn’t that cute anyway!”
Male Cheerleader #1: “Watch out, girl! Burn!” (At this point the high-five occured)

Seriously, what the fuck was he celebrating? I love that about cheerleaders. They think they’re doing something. That powder blue (calling it Carolina blue doesn’t make it less pussy) sweater didn’t have anything to with anything in that game. Just thought it warranted mentioning. (I still enjoy Bill Simmons.)

How was your weekend?

Some quick thoughts on the weekend’s more important news stories.

John Ratzenberger has agreed to be on the next season of Dancing With The Stars. That’s right folks, Cliff Clavin. I hope Ratzenberger competes as Cliff. I just want to see him explain the history of each dance. No word on whether or not George Wendt will be sitting at the end of the judges’ table drinking pints

Jake Plummer threatened to - and then actually did - retire. He decided to hang up his gun slinging ways instead of going to Tamba Bay to be a part of a three way battle for quarterback supremacy with Jeff Garcia and Chris “Spleenie” Simms. What will become of The Snake’s legacy? Is it being known as a quarterback who throws lots of interceptions and had the uncanny ability to make Rex Grossman look serviceable? Or maybe he’ll be remembered for being benched in the middle of a season in which he had led his team to a 7-4 record. The rookie who replaced him (We’re looking at you Jay Cutler. You did this. You took Jake Plummer from us.) failed to lead the Broncos to the playoffs. Personally, I’ll always remember Plummer for his days as an Arizona State Sun Devil. Not because of his success, but because I always used to run the option with him in the College Football USA game for Sega Genesis with Tommy Frazier on the cover. I’ll not soon forget you or the porn-stache Jake. (Full disclosure, I’m going to try to grow a neck beard in his honor.)

Everyone’s favorite local pop station FLY92 had a “Who’s your baby daddy?” weekend in honor of Anna Nicole Smith who died just under a month ago. I wonder what late breaking news topic will they will reference next weekend. Kevin Federline, you’re being put on alert. FLY92 might zing you next.

UFC fight night was last night and it was a goody. Hughes, Franklin and Couture all won. That wasn’t a type-o. Randy Couture beat the (formerly) current heavyweight champ Tim Sylvia in an effort of total domination. It was a fun fight to watch as Couture on paper was a huge underdog. I guess Sylvia is just a punk. Of course I would never say that in front of his face. Fuck, I wouldn’t even say in front of a picture of his face.

Here’s some links!

This is one of my favorite videos in the world. I just find it very funny.
http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1673

“Hey, you. Pretty lady. Come over here and stand…yup, right there. Thanks. Now what I’m going to do here is, I’m going to jump over you and dunk this basketball. What? Of course I can. I’ve done this a million times. Do you want to give me your number now? Okay, we’ll wait until after the crowd gets done cheering.” Girls, if someone says this to you and they aren’t Gerald Green, just say no. Especially if they are speaking in a foreign tongue and are white.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yy3eUYlUU8&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ewithleather%2Ecom%2F

Gangster rap is coming to the suburbs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkYDxW30vS4&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eyesbutnobutyes%2Ecom%2Farchives%2F2007%2F03%2Fhelp%5Fthe%5Fpolice%2Ehtml

Who has a new album coming out? Mike Jones! Who? Mike Jones!
http://www.whomikejones.com/

This is not a cat that Ben is going to adopt.
http://search.petfinder.com/petnote/displaypet.cgi?petid=7707499

I'm working on something about the Duke/Carolina game and the controversy involved. I'll be about as late to the party as humanly possible, but what the fuck, right? I'm a busy guy.