Let me count the bad decisions I made concerning my bracket. Please, let me.

I was about to read Bill Simmons’ running diary of the entire day of tournament games, but I decided I should write first otherwise I would start using the term “yup, these are my readers” in completely inappropriate places. Does Bill know that March Madness goes on for, like, a month? I’ll give you an over/under of 5 running diaries for this weekend. The smart money is on the over – if gambling were legal I mean.

Anyway, I picked 75% yesterday – not too bad. Not great, but not bad. I let my – heart? Gut? Rooting interest? Yeah, rooting interest – rooting interest get the better of me in a couple games, mainly BYU thought. Remember; never make a pick just because your family stands to inherit a hefty dowry and when your brother enters into one of the first gay Mormon relationships.

I also missed with Texas Tech as I forgot Bob Knight isn’t successful in the tournament now that Isaiah Thomas is in the NBA. My big upset of the day was supposed to be George Washington over Vanderbilt. Well, fuck you Vanderbilt. Fuck you very much.

The hardest game to lose was the Duke game. I though I had outsmarted everyone by picking Duke when VCU quickly became the trendy pick this week. Then Duke goes out and gets in a real defensive struggle down the stretch. Just kidding, in the last two minutes Duke and VCU combined for about as many stops as a yield sign on a one-way street with no intersections. You can’t even call it matador defense because sometimes matadors accidentally get gored. I was sitting in my living room and I did a better job contesting VCU’s final shot than that kid from Duke. They play more defense in ultimate Frisbee. (Did you know Frisbee needs to be capitalized? I bet you didn’t.)

So, I lost 1 game every set of games. Not too big a deal. Duke was the only loss I took that involved a team winning a game in round 2 and then I had them choking. I was a week off on Duke going out. Oh, well. We’ll see what happens today. UAlbany will probably fuck me – another rooting interest pick. Hopefully North Texas can pull off the big one today. We’ll see.

Enjoy SUNY. I have to go spend the next 12 hours reading Bill Simmons. Yup, I’m one of his readers!

What a spineless winning bracket looks like when there are virtually no upsets involved.

(Click to enlarge - what is this? Your first time online?)

Seriously, I've got 3 #1's and 1 #3 in the Final Four. Talk about going out on a limb. My sleeper team is a #3! 3! Seriously? I might as well just burn my money.

Just kidding! of course this is a winning bracket. And what pretty handwriting. I must have received straight A’s in grammar school. Sure I had to look to the left every time to check the spelling of Tennessee, but that doesn’t mean anything except Tennessee is a big dumb confusing word with lots of extra letters than it needs. No wonder Peyton Manning went there. Just get up there and get the job done. Spell it TeneC and be proud you dumb hicks.

Anyway, we're only about 75 minutes away from tip-off. God Bless America. This is the greatest weekend of the year.

The Other Half Of The Field. Was that a Curtis Staples reference? Let's go to Pina Coladaburg.

Look it's UAlbany's biggest supporter, Matt Geiger! He's the illegitimate son of the head athletic trainer at SUNY and as you can see, he's really getting into this March Madness thing! When Matt Geiger says "raise the roof," God damn it, you better raise the fucking roof.

One quick note before I get to the second half of my picks. Instead of leading off picks with (1) Your Top Ranked Program Here – I’ll be writing (Top Seed) because when I use (1) Word tries to make an outline for me.

On to the picks! Who ya got?
I’ll be rolling with:

While you were pretending to be sick

(Top Seed) Caronlina over (16) Eastern Kentucky – Obvs.

(9) Michigan State over (8) Marquette - Do you read Neitzel?

(5) USC over (12) Arkansas – Your Scottie Thurman can’t save you now.

(4) Texas over (13) New Mexico State – Um, yeah. Does Texas really feel like a 4 seed?

(11) George Washington over (6) Vanderbilt – R.I.P. Yinka Dare

(3) Washington State over (14) Oral Roberts

“Is that like a… Dirty Sanchez?”

“Who’s that?”

“Eh…he is not for you.”

(10) Texas Tech over (7) Boston College – You are supposed to have upsets in this thing right?

(2) Georgetown over (15) Belmont – Who? John and Chris?

Saturday/Sunday Games

(Top Seed) UNC over (9) MSU – Tyler Hansbrough likes to play basketball. I read this on ESPN.com I think.

(4) Texas over (5) USC – Don’t worry, O.J. Mayo and his expense account will be here soon enough.

(3) Washington State over (11) George Washington – Can a #3 be a Cinderella story?

(2) Georgetown over (10) Texas Tech – I bet Bobby Knight isn’t pleased with the outcome of the game. Maybe he’ll have something colorful to say?

Super Sweet 16

(Top Seed) North Carolina over (35) Kevin Durant – This will hopefully be running on ESPN classic by Monday morning. This all depends on how fast Durant comes out of the gate. From what I’ve seen and read, when he comes out blazing he seems to burn out towards the end of games. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think it’s a lot more important for him to finish strong. (Understatement of the decade?) UNC can and will finish. I’d love to see Texas win on Durant’s shoulders, but I don’t think Carolina will let that happen. Whoever wins this game makes the Championship game. Write that down.

(2) Georgetown over (3) Washington State – I guess a #3 can’t be a Cinderella story. How about a #2?

Elite Eight

(Top Seed) North Carolina over (2) Georgetown – Wow, a #1 versus a #2 in the Elite Eight? I am a daring predictor. I bet my dinner tonight comes down to pizza versus chicken wings.

South Bracket

Round of 64

(Top Seed) Ohio State over (16) Central Connecticut State – I wonder if Greg Oden will put both his hands in casts for this match-up?

(8) BYU over (9) Xavier – I’m giving the nod to the future home of Jimmer Fredette. Since my brother will be moving out to Salt Lake City to live in a situation out of Big Love, I’ve got to root for the new home team.

(5) Tennessee over (12) Long Beach State – It's heard somewhere it's difficult for some in the LBC.
(13) Albany over (4) Virginia – I just know that Will Brown will find a way to work Jay Geiger into the game. Jay and Jamar Wilson would form one of the most catchy backcourt duos since Staples and Dean. (For gambling purposes I’m taking Virginia, but here I’ll try to look like a homer.)

(6) Louisville over (11) Stanford – Rick Patino is a good college coach. (I’ll be here all week with in depth analysis.)

(3) Texas A&M over (14) Penn – Acie Law. Acie Law Jr. Acie Law III. Acie Law IV. That’s four (4) Acie Laws for those of you keeping score at home.

(10) Creighton over (7) Nevada – Orson and I disagree on this game. I think Nevada will loose while he has Nevada in the Final Four.

(2) Memphis over (15) North Texas
Nah, fuck that. Everybody is calling Memphis the Paper Tigers and saying they are weak. Well how about somebody picks the 15/2 upset? Come on North Texas. Let’s do it! I mean play basketball, not sex.

It's the weekend. You're hungover and drunk. Is it still St Patty's Day?

(Top Seed) Ohio State of mind over (9) Guys who have the right idea – I read somewhere this Oden guy might get drafted into the NBA someday. I’ll believe it when I see it.

(13) SUNY A over (5) Tennessee – Why not? Somebody has to be Cinderella, right? Albany needs some big tee shirts that say “Y Not SUNY A?”

(3) Texas A&M over (6) Louisville – Nothing to say here. I just like Acie Law IV.

(10) Creighton over (15) North Texas – North Texas set out to beat Memphis. Well, the student has become the teacher. Go Blue Jays! (What is this? Toronto circa 1993?)

Greg Oden's Super Sweet 16 (Is that Peyton Manning?)

(Top Seed) Greg Oden’s Beard over (13) University of SmAlbany – Cinderella has been murdered. Oh well, she was an ugly slut anyway.

(3) Texas A&M over (10) Creighton – It was fun while it lasted, but I can put my Joe Carter throwback away now.

Elite Eight

(III) Texas A&M over (1) Ohio State – Greg Oden will get to cut down the nets next year. Right? Oh well.

Going to throw something across the room

Quick update:

I hope to finish my predictions this afternoon, but this piece of shit "blog" is, well, acting like a piece of shit. It keeps telling me there are errors when I'm not doing anything and it's getting to the point where Ben has to restrain me from throwing things like my monitor or strangling an innocent passerby with my mouse cord. Seriously, if anyone even looks at me the wrong way I might try and shove my hard drive up their ass – and I mean that in the most non-sexual way possible. Okay, I’m going to go grab a slice of pizza and sit out a couple of plays. Okay, I’m starting to breathe normal again. This is definitely helping.

Update: There is something wrong with the post below. It's supposed to say "You know that guy, Julian Wright? He's a pretty good dunker. Most of the time." The link to his botched dunk is there, but it looks like I'm refering to Toby Bailey, or that I'm retarded. Neither is the case. Anyway, I posted this picture of Scarlett Johanson to help calm the nerves (they frown on drinking in my office). Is that a good enough explanation Lo?

Best Western

West side! What up!

The big match-up was going to be (16) Play-In State against top seed Kansas. Somehow Play-In State was replaced last night by Niagara. I thought PIS had a real shot a the Jayhawks, but Niagara sucks, so Kansas should have no trouble advancing.

Remember Kerry Kittles? Tony Delk? Walter Mccarty? Good times all around. Now no one knows who plays for either of these teams. I got Villanova because I know Tim Thomas has 3 years of eligibility left and I think this is the year he breaks out in the tourney. (9) Nova over (8) Kentucky. Sorry Tubby.

This could be one of those games where we get our 12/5 upset. But Bill Simmons says the Big 10 sucks so I’m going to give the nod to Virginia Tech who I assume plays in the ACC or Big East. I’d look this up, but I’m busy searching for proof that Dugan Fife exists. I’m scouring Facebook like a motherfucker – still nothing. That guy can’t be more than 35 by now can he?

Another Simmons influenced pick – (13) Holy Cross over (4) Southern Illinois. Probably not the best idea to base a pick on J-Bug’s last e-mail, but what the fuck right? There’s got to be some upsets.

(11) VCU and (6) Duke. A lot of people are predicting (hoping) that VCU will upset Duke (make them cry). Duke is having a down year which (most people fucking love) by any other program’s standards wouldn’t be that bad. Unfortunately, I just don’t see a school with “commonwealth” in its name beating Duke. Sorry, you guys. (Whining assholes)

(3) Pittsburgh over (14) Wright State. You heard it here first! Is that Krauser fellow still there?

I don’t know who will do the crying for (10) Gonzaga after they lose to (7) Indiana. I see Jimmy Chitwood going for 27 in the win. (First Hoosiers reference of the day.)

(2) UCLA should be able to handle the number-15 seed Chris Weber State even though back in 1999 as a number-14 seed they beat North Carolina in the first round. I don’t think they are going to be using the same line-up this year.

Your Saturday/Sunday Games



(9) Villanova will have some problems with (1) Kansas. The main problems being the severe differences in talent and coaching. Luckily they’ll have all next week to study for mid-terms.

This is where I depart from Simmons and return to reality. (5) Virginia Tech will handle “Tha Cross” (That’s what black students would call Holy Cross if they actually attended Holy Cross) with ease as it’s a well known fact no team with purple jersey’s has ever advanced to the Sweet 16.

Look! It’s Duke! Everybody “boo!” I’m going with (6) Duke again. Sorry (3) Shitsburgh fans. I guess I’m actually not a Duke-hater. Weird considering I usually hate so many things. Maybe it’s because so many people hate Duke the way so many people hate the Yankees that I tend to hate the haters and not the team being hated.

(2) UCLA will always have a place in my heart from the Toby Bailey years so I’m going to pick them over (7) Indiana. That and I think the Bruins are a superior team. Mostly Toby Bailey though.

Super Sweet 16

Kansas (At this point in the tournament they will still have a #1 seed if you were curious) will probably be tested early and not-too-often by (5) Va Tech (as they’ve become know on my bracket for purposes of brevity). Have you guys seen this guy, Most of the time.

Okay everybody you can rest easy. It’s time to cheer for (6) Duke’s demise at the hands of (12) Toby Ba…I mean (2) UCLA. Now quit your bitching.

Elite Eight

This is by far the toughest game of this bracket for me. I’m going to have to send (1) to the Final Four while (2) goes home. I’ll miss you Toby. You too Tyus Edney.

MIDWESTERN STATE OF MIND

Oh fuck it. Everyone else with a blog, website, television show, voice is running down predictions for March Madness. This means that I’m going to spend the entire day writing about college basketball – something I love, but know little about as I don’t really keep up with college basketball much during the season. (Is Dugan Fife still at Michigan?)

I’ll start in the Midwest because that’s what in the top left hand corner of the DEADSPIN bracket.

First Round

(1) Florida obviously advances as does every other 1-seed dummy. I don’t know where (16) Jackson State is, but I’m guess there are a lot of gun crimes.

Everyone complains about the job the selection committee does so that must mean that the 8/9 games are fucked up. That’s why I’ll be picking (9) Perdue - that and the Glen Robinson factor. Notice how no one ever refers to him as “Big Dog” anymore? What’s up with that?

Ah, the classic 5/12 match-up between Butler and Old Dominion. There is always an upset in a 5/12 game. If this were croquet, I would definitely Butler, but since I know nothing about either of these teams, I’m going to still pick (5) Butler. (They are the higher seed.)

The 4/13 game out (Mid)West features Maryland and Davidson. I know there are two things Maryland does: crab cakes and football. Well guess what? You can add basketball to that list. (I would love for one of (4) Maryland’s players to break out the rest of that quote: “Are you ready to have the noise brought on you? That's what we call a sack lunch! Num-num-num-num-num!”)

(11) Winthrop over (6) Notre Dame. Unless Notre Dame has an undersized walk-on with the heart of a thousand champions, they usually suck right? Troy Murphy isn’t still there is he? It doesn’t matter anyway; he was big and only had the heart of a Golden State Warrior.

(3) Oregon over (14) Miami (Ohio). That’s got to be one of the cruelest thing you can do to someone. Tell them you’re going to Miami and you end up in the homeland of Wally Szczerbiak. Seriously though, Oregon has one of the few players west of the Mississippi that I’ve heard of in college basketball this year - Aaron Brooks. I’m not sure if he went back to school because he got benched for Marques Tuiasosopo or just promised his mom he’d get a degree.

(7) UNLV should be able to handle (10) Georgia Tech. I don’t have much to say about either of these teams. So I’ll just give you a tribute to the 1990 Running Rebels Championship team that featured Stacy “Plastic Man” Augmon, Larry Johnson, and ESPN’s very own Greg Anthony.

(2) Wisconsin over (15) Texas A&M CC. The number 15 seed doesn’t often win in these situations, so I’ll just try to educate you on the Wisconsin Cream Puff.

Onto the Thirsty Thirty-Two! (The second round doesn’t get nearly enough press in my opinion.)

(1) Florida and the trailblazing transsexual Joakim Noah (First trans-gendered player ever to play in the tournament) should beat the shit out of (9) Perdue here. He can dance too!

The (5) Butler did it! Sorry (4) Maryland. At least baseball season is starting. You can start obsessing over the Yankees again. (Not that you ever stopped!)

Finally, the match-up everyone has been waiting for: (11) Winthrop versus (3) Oregon! This one should be a nail-biter. Nah, just kidding. I think Oregon is a lock for the Super Sweet 16.

Again, if this were 1990, (2) Wisconsin wouldn’t stand a chance. Of course I don’t think Wisconsin even had a basketball program in 1990 so they probably wouldn’t have found themselves in the predicament of facing the top ranked team in the nation. (7) UNLV should really get back to Vegas anyway. It’s too risky making calls to your bookie from the road. Much less likely you get caught talking in person.

The Super Sweet 16

Remember that time (5) Butler beat (1) Florida? Me either.

I really do like (3) Oregon. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I really like the color green. Maybe it’s because Kyle and I used to wonder what it would be like to be Joey Harrington’s roommate in college because of the immense amount of fall-out pussy. Who knows? Anyway, (2) Wisconsin can get back to the land of cheddar and Brett Favre.

Elite 8

This is the part of the story where the 1-seed faces their toughest game of the tournament and prevails in a thriller. Mark my words. Sorry (3) Oregon, but Joakim and his motley crew of pre-ops will not be denied their second trip to the Final Four.

Later Today! The Wild Wild Western Bracket! Can Kansas defeat Play-In State? How gay is Duke? Is this finally Holy Cross’ year? Will anyone be able to locate a single picture of Dugan Fife?

The Most Awkward Post Ever

This is a family reunion where I will commit murder later in the column. If this doesn't make you want to read, I don't know what will!

The reason I'm so angry is that there are these videos on YouTube of “The Most Awkward Boy In The World.” I am of the opinion that they suck. A less educated version of me would probably call them “gay.” Luckily, I’m much too mature to ever say something as general and politically incorrect as that.

Let me explain the basic premise of these videos to you. There is this tall young man who wears glasses and a shirt and tie who is put in basic everyday situations. He doesn’t do or say much of anything. The people that interact with him say or do extremely awkward things like the guy who tries to touch his face and prevent him from entering the subway system. Or the girl who rides and elevator with him and upon getting off tells him that she thought initially that he had a large penis, but now has decided it is in fact small.

This seems like the situations – not the boy – are what is awkward in these videos. Or the people this asshole is interacting with. I’ve not laughed at a single one of these videos.
Maybe I just don’t get it. What makes this boy so awkward? Is it too artsy for me? It’s just so ironic it’s funny. Cracked.com has linked to multiple Most Awkward Boy videos. Not one has even made me chuckle. I guess I’m just not smart enough.

I even re-watched a couple of those dumb videos looking for something – anything that would make me experience the slightest change in my second-by-second schedule of inhaling and exhaling. Nothing.

These are retarded videos and yet there are people who watch them and enjoy them. The comments on YouTube don’t help either. One person asked what made the boy awkward and here is the explanation he got:

“Their awkward because he is put in weird situations but does not have an angle or a reply he just takes it, making the situation awkward. Situations get awkwards when one person says something and the other says nothing but you can tell their are reacting. These Videos are awkward because he never says Fuck you, or move, or hay buddy. He never thinks them out or talks them out. He just leaves them awkwards and unresolved. Understand?”

Let’s break this explanation down one sentence at a time. (Parent’s avert your children’s’ eyes because I might start to use foul language.)

“Their awkward because he is put in weird situations but does not have an angle or a reply he just takes it, making the situation awkward.”

Um, no asshole, sorry. Not reacting to someone dancing in a doctor’s office doesn’t make the situation awkward. The guy who breaks out dancing while singing a song calling you and idiot is the one making the situation awkward. Can you imagine if I went to the annual family reunion of the guy who wrote this explanation? And then I shot him in the head? Then he just spent the rest of the reunion laying there – all dead and still? He’d be making everything so awkward.

Anyway, after I murdered this idiot I’d crack another beer and go back to hitting on his hot cousin and eventually everyone could get back to enjoying the party once the coroner came and cleaned up the awful mess. (Everyone would like me so much that we’d all get our stories straight and call it a suicide. The entire family would laugh along with me as I wrote a poorly constructed suicide note – just the way he would have.

And all of this happened because he didn’t have an “angle” or a reply. Wait. I’m sorry. An angle? Is this guy dancing in a waiting room or running down the sideline? So far, this is a retarded explanation – even by internet standards.

“Situations get awkwards when one person says something and the other says nothing but you can tell their are reacting.”

I think we have our second misuse of “their.” (“They are” turns into “they’re,” you dumb fuck.) And apparently when you have multiple awkward situations they can be pluralized as “awkwards.” This is a little known grammatical rule that most English teachers gloss over.

Moving on from the horrid grammar use, this is the same thing that was said in the previous “sentence,” again poorly explaining what makes a situation awkward. I’ll refer back to the murder/suicide of this dummy but amend it to say that his body is twitching.

“These Videos are awkward because he never says Fuck you, or move, or hay buddy.”

These videos are so important they’ve been capitalized as if the commentor were referring to a first name, a company, or God. I digress. Now we’re learning about awkward! Anytime you’re in a situation where no one is saying “fuck you,” “move,” or – and this is my personal favorite – “hay buddy,” you’ve found yourself in an awkward situation!

I’m going to start putting this knowledge to work right now. From here on out I’m finishing every sentence with one of those terms – just so people don’t feel uncomfortable.

I love the fact that this kid wrote “hay.” Are these videos about an Awkward Boy or an Awkward Horse? Am I right? Hi-O! Seriously, this kid is retarded. I bet he left all sorts of poorly written poems on the Barbaro message board.

“He never thinks them out or talks them out.”

I’m not sure if we’re talking about the people or the situations here. Either way this sentence is a catastrophe. Fucking Awkward Boy.

“He just leaves them awkwards and unresolved.”

Yup, that sums it up. By walking away from someone wouldn’t that

alleviate any situation? I guess I’ll stop doing that. And I’ll stop not pluralizing adjectives.

“Understand?”

No. You’re an idiot. And I can’t wait for your family reunion.

- "Hay! I wrote this!"

Happy Selection Monday!

Lauren is going to Ireland this week. That’s right - she’ll actually be celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day in Ireland if you can wrap your head around that one. Anyway, while she’s over there she’ll be attending a Hurling match. Personally, this shit looks made up to me. I think it’s a version of Quidditch for non-wizards.

Some of you may remember our Irish friend Pete. Apparently he’s a big fan of this cluster-fuck of a game. Of course he is.

In an unrelated note I’m trying to fill out a bracket on Facebook and it won’t let me. Fuck Facebook I’ve always said. Well, not really, but I’m saying it now. I’ve got a perfect bracket here and I’m pretty sure there will be some sort of cash prize given away by the geeks who run that site. Or maybe a sweet hat. Something along those lines.

I didn’t want to say anything last week. I thought I’d let the rumor mill slow down a little bit before I said anything. I think it’s been long enough. So I’ll just come out and say it. I’m pregnant. Tom Brady is the father.

I haven’t seen 300, but I’ve heard great things about it. I’ve heard 70 million great things about it.

In much more grave news, Wild Hogs earned another 28 million dollars (that’s Million with an M) this weekend. Again, I haven’t seen 300, but I can guess what happens in very general terms. What I’m proposing is a sequel wherein the Spartans battle the 2.8 million ticket purchasers who saw Wild Hogs this weekend. I hope it’s much bloodier. It is my sincere belief that anyone who sees Wild Hogs deserves to be disemboweled in front of their dearest relatives.

Aren’t we, as a people, the American public, just about done with Tim Allen? I do believe that William H. Macy still has something to contribute to film, but Marlin Lawrence has been going downhill since Black Knight. You wouldn’t think there would be very far to fall from there, but apparently there is. And what is the deal with black comedians dressing up in drag as fat women? Can you imagine Richard Pryor doing that? For fuck sake, can you imagine Chris Rock stooping to that level?

I think that is the reason Eddie Murphy didn’t win the Oscar. I’m sure he was great in Dreamgirls. Hell, most of the voters probably had him penciled in, saw an advance screening of Norbit and immediately burned their ballots. I don’t want to be too hard on Eddie Murphy. I know my calendar is marked for Shrek 4 coming in 2010. Seriously.

Here’s somebody who deserves to die. He’s being interviewed on television and he’s wearing a shirt with no sleeves. I think he has highlights. Seriously, what a douche.

Here's one of the extras from Borat. Images might be too disturbing for some of you.



I’ll let With Leather educate you on Pacman’s latest adventure. Complete with a clip from The Big Lebowski.



Speaking of The Big Lebowski, does anyone have a Nintendo Wii?

Also, someone appears to have uploaded a picture of Scarlett Johansson towards the bottom of this post. I'm upset at the invasion of privacy, but since it's a picture of Scarlett, I'll let it slide.