It’s Friday! And you know what that means – new movies!
We pick up as Pacman Jones comes down the stairs of his West Virginia mansion.
Adam: *Yawning* Good morning, son. What’s good?
MOE: Yo Pac, it’s all good. Got the flapjacks cookin’ – hope you’re hungry.
Adam: Yeah, fry me up some of them bitches. We’ve got a big day ahead of us.
MOE: *Reaching into pocket* We going to the strip club?
Adam: No, dog. It’s Friday and we’re not going to let the suspension keep us down. We’re going to do something we haven’t done in a while. We’re going to the movies.
MOE: Nice thinking, Pac. What are we going to see? Scarface?
Adam: I hadn’t thought about it, but that’s a good flick. Yeah, let’s go see Scarface. That fucker had shit on lockdown.
MOE: I’ll call Tyrone and Jimmy.
Adam: Good idea. You go to the movies you gotta roll deep. Call Luther too. He loves Scarface.
MOE: Alright, Pac. *dialing* When you want to leave?
Adam: It’s almost 3 so Scarface is probably starting soon.
MOE: True. I’ll tell Tyrone and Jimmy to meet us there. I hope they accept dollar bills.
Adam: Motherfucker, I told you not to change all the money into singles.
MOE: But, Pac. I thought you might wanna go to the club. You know it’s an inconvenience trying to get any more than 50K in Washingtons on the weekend. I’m trying to be prepared.
Adam: I feel you. But man, it’s embarrassing buying jet skis and shit with a bag full of bills.
MOE: We going to the Sea Doo dealership too?
Adam: No son. That’s an example and shit.
MOE: Ah. I got you son. Let me change my pumas and then I’m ready.
Adam: Alright. I’ll be waiting in the Escalade.
45 minutes later Pacman and MOE pull up to the Charleston Regal Gold Hat Theater. Tyrone and Jimmy are waiting outside.
Jimmy: What up Pac? I think we got a problem here. That motherfucker selling the tickets and shit says that Scarface ain’t playing today.
MOE: Why not?
Tyrone: He didn’t give us a good reason. I’m going to the car to get my gun.
Adam: Nah, dog. Let this slide. You know Goodall is watching me and shit. Besides, you want to violate your parole?
Tyrone: Nah, I guess not. I just want to see this movie real bad.
Adam: Let’s make the best out of the situation. We’ll see something else. Morgan Freeman gotta have something out. Let’s go.
The group walks up to the ticket counter. The attendant recognizes Tyrone and Jimmy from their earlier inquiry about Scarface, a movie that hasn’t been in theaters since the early 80’s. The attendant looks around nervously for his manager. Unfortunately, there is an incident involving Chris Henry in theater 8 during a showing of Firehouse Dog. (I’ll explain this in a future post)
Attendant: *Nervous* Can I help you?
Tyrone: What up son? Remember me?
Attendant: *Very nervous* Yes, sir...
Tyrone: Good, I been talking to my man here *gestures towards MOE and Pacman* and we come to a conclusion.
Attendant: *Wishing he had took the counter position at Sonic and wondering what it would have been like to feel the touch of a woman*
Jimmy: We decided you were very helpful earlier and we may have overreacted when we told you we was gonna stomp your monkey ass.
Tyrone: Yeah, we straight, son.
Attendant: *Swallowing a little bit of vomit*
Adam: So what you got showing now? We want to see some Morgan Freeman shit.
Attendant: *regaining the ability to speak* Uh…he’s not…I mean he…I don’t think…
MOE: Is Scarface playing?
Adam: Son, motherfucker already told us Scarface ain’t playin’.
MOE: Oh yeah. You’re right Pac. My bad.
Adan: So we’ll take 4 Morgan Freeman tickets.
Attendant: *remembering how to do his job* I’m sorry, sir, but Morgan Freeman doesn’t have any movies out now.
Tyrone: Shit son! What the fuck are we going to do now?
MOE: *To the attendant* Do you take ones?
Attendant: Maybe you’d like to see Slow Burn? It’s new today and it’s staring LL Cool J.
Jimmy: You think just because we’re black we want to see an LL Cool J movie?
Tyrone: You wait right here boy! I’m going to my car. I’ll show you LL Cool J.
Adam: No guns dog! That’s just what the NFL wants!
Tyrone: Sorry Pac.
MOE: You guys remember In The House? Shit was funny.
Adam: Alright then. We’ll take 4 tickets to LL Cool J.
Attendant: Okay then. That will be 42 dollars.
Adam: Get 42 ones out MOE.
MOE: You got it Pac. Shit. Wait, where’s the bag of money?
Adam: What do you mean? You don’t have it?
MOE: Shit son. I must have set it down when I change my pumas.
Adam: So we drove all the way here and you forgot the bag of money? That’s like you’re only job son!
MOE: I’m sorry Pac.
Adam: Anybody got any money?
Tyrone: Sorry, dog. You know I don’t carry a wallet.
Jimmy: Nah. You always pay so I left mine home too with my ankle bracelet.
MOE: I’ll just run home and grab the bag of money. No problem.
Adam: Fine, but hurry.
2 hours later MOE returns with the bag of one dollar bills.
Adam: Shit son, what the fuck took so long?
MOE: Sorry Pac. I got pulled over for speeding.
Adam: Fuck! Did they search the glove compartment?
MOE: Nah, don’t worry. I outsmarted the cop, told him I work for Rob Bironas. He let me go with a warning.
Adam: Good quick thinking. Let’s go see LL now.
Pacman and his friends walk back to the ticket counter.
Adam: What up son. 4 LL Cool J’s.
MOE: You still take ones right?
Attendant: *Again fearing for his safety* I’m sorry sir, but Slow Burn has already sold out for the entire night.
Tyrone: I’m going to the car.
Adam: No fucking guns!
Tyrone: Ugh. This stinks, Pac. I didn’t get that gun for protection! When am I going to get to use it.
Adam: Can we go anywhere without getting a charge? *turning his attention back to the ticket counter* Just give us 4 tickets to whatever movie is next.
Attendant: Um, the next film is…Uh, the Aqua Teen movie.
Attendant: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters. That’s the next movie. It starts in 10 minutes.
Jimmy: What the fuck did he just say to us?
Tyrone: Something about movie food I think.
Adam: *exasperated* Fine. We’ll see whatever you just said.
Attendant: Excellent choice. I saw the screening last week. It’s a very funny movie.
Adam: Okay. We’ll take four of them bitches. Give me the bag of money MOE.
Attendant: That’ll be 42 dollars.
Attendant: All ones…thanks. Here are your tickets. You’re in theater 3 to your right. Enjoy the show.
Adam: Let’s go fellas.
Pacman and his friends walk through the lobby towards their theater. The group stops at the concession stand to get some popcorn, candy and soda. Pacman loves extra buttery popcorn. Tyrone prefers Skittles. Jimmy loads up on Twizzlers (“I can always bring them home if I have extras, son.) and MOE buys Sour Patch Kids and a box of Raisinets. They all drink Mountain Dew because Pacman wants to be in training mode despite the suspension.
Once they’ve all procured their supplies they continue to their theater. They stop outside theater 3 when they see the sign for their film.
Tyrone: Is that a box of French fries?
Jimmy: Is that a cup?
MOE: Is this the right theater?
Adam: Shit son, I didn’t come all this way to see a fucking cup.
Tyrone: Can I get my gun now?
MOE: If we’re not going to see the movie can we go to the club?
Adam: Man, I don’t need this shit. Let’s just go back to the crib and watch Scarface. If you need bail later, dog, give us a call.
Tyrone: *to Jimmy* Want to run to the car with me?
Jimmy: Alright. You sure you don’t want to attack that kid with us?
Adam: Nah, man. I’m straight. Let’s go MOE. I guess we can stop at the club on the way home, *pauses for comedic effect* but just for a drink.
*They all laugh*
Friday, April 13, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I almost had a traumatic experience this morning when it looked like the vending machine wasn’t going to concede its death grip on my SoBe. (More on that later) Fear not dear readers – the machine coughed it up - little bastard.
This is a new feature of the blog called: What I Googled Today. This might help you all get into my mind. Some of you might even understand why I would commit approximately 50-percent of my entire stack to call an all-in bet after the turn with nothing but a double-belly-buster straight draw. Marvin might be especially interested in this.
At this point I’ll advise anyone who isn’t Marvin to avert your eyes. I’m going to write about a specific poker hand for what could be a lengthy part of this post which I don’t normally do because we’ve all seen so many hands that poker analysis on every situation has been done and we all know.
However, Marvin was so upset by this hand last night that I have doubt as to whether or not he was able to sleep last night. (The first phone call came around 10am today from his living room and depending on the strength of the wireless signal on North Allen Street today I assume it won’t be the last.) So I’m going to tell Marvin why I was justified in making the call that I did (aside from the fact that I won the hand which means that the cards could have had me as a 99-1 dog and it wouldn’t matter because I was 100% when all the cards were turned over) for a few paragraphs. Rest assured that these words are meant for Marv, but if you want to take a peek I might toss in a joke or two. If you don’t give a shit (justifiably so) then just skip ahead to below the picture of [name of some random hot girl].
Anyway, I hit everything but a woman last night and I make no apologies - except of course for violence towards women. ...Unless she had it coming. (Maybe she dropped her Yankees hat or something) (God, I love stream of consciousness) We’ve all been on both ends of those types of nights. And the real reason I made such a loose call (I’m aware it was. People have called with a lot worse odds. That’s why it’s gambling Marv.) was because the bounty was hanging over that hand! Sure in many cases I would usually lay that down, but this was a bounty tournament situation which changes the dynamics of a hand. Any hand where the bounty is involved is going to have action that wouldn’t take place in a non-bounty situation. Not to mention the fact that J’s and 8’s on that board can be beat by so many hands – at that point. Let’s list them
K,K; J,J; 9,9; 8,8; K,J; K,9; K,8; Q,10; 10,7
I’m not even going to mention all the possible hands that would put you on a straight draw.
Oh what the hell! Let’s just do this for the hell of it!
You could chase with any Queen or 7 looking for a 10. Any 10 looking for a Queen or 7 (Hey, I had a 10!) Pocket Aces (like God, should always be capitalized) would destroy you with another Ace, a King, or a 9. Pocket Queens would also it if the 9, or K pair on the river. Any numbered pocket pair hitting trips on the river if this imaginary player puts you on a bluff or a draw (a much better player than me - I couldn’t put somebody on a hand if they handed me one of their cards and showed me a sworn affidavit stating the identity of the other one.)
I don’t know what else I can say, except thanks for the compliment on being “the best” and the string of “Ooooooooooooh, good job Steve” comments I was given. It’s good for my ego. That’s all for you Marv. Time to bring it back to the people. Talk to you later!
I’ll jump into something I mentioned in passing to Marvin – the bounty. Specifically the cowardly act of the reneging of the bounty – you bitches. Like if any of you had done the sniping you wouldn’t have accepted my dollar because it hadn’t been thrown tossed in advance. Fuck you! Keep it. I got the mental bounty and that’s something that gets me to sleep at night. It’s a satisfaction that can not be recreated by knocking out any of the rest of us.
Christ, I almost feel bad taking money from Christian. Partly because he has no job and partly because of the heaping pile of shit that Mike force feeds him on a nightly basis. If it wasn’t for the fact that I usually find it pretty fucking funny then I might stick up for the beautiful man.
So next time we play I’m going to take the day off so I can drive around to everyone’s place of work (and Christian’s living room to watch Rachel Ray) and make sure all the dollar bills are in before the first chip hits the felt.
What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, What I Googled. So here's what I've recently googled and why:
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
First, I spent like an hour looking for pictures of The Inferno 3. No fucking luck. MTV is Nazi-sh with their photos. I found this picture of Jenn from Real World Denver. She's also making her challenge debut. I almost used a picture of Robin, but she's not on this challenge and using a picture of Tonya probably would have resulted in the blog catching something, so settle for Jenn, wearing more clothes than she should be. Sorry.
I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed last night’s premiere episode of The Inferno 3. I’ve been waiting patiently for the return of The Inferno if for no other reason to see Alton compete again. When they finally remake American Gladiators Alton will most certainly become one of the gladiators (Along with the Miz, obviously). As excited as I am to see this season of The Inferno, a couple of questions occurred to me while watching the first episode.
How the fuck did CT punch the gay kid and they didn’t get it on camera? Seriously, they have CT coming out of the bathroom and shadowboxing the camera, but they don’t follow him around to catch him punching a gay kid in the face? Really? This is either some sort of weird conspiracy involving CT and Derrick, or the most egregious missed opportunity in the history of reality television. As far as I’m concerned, MTV needs to start all over, right now with the cameraman lineup they’re using for this Inferno. TJ Lavin shouldn’t have to stand for this shit.
And how is it that Derrick wasn’t on the original call list for the Inferno 3? He didn’t think he would ever do another competition? Wasn’t he the AI to Alton’s Kobe during the last Inferno? Those two made the competitions. And the people at MTV didn’t think to call up Derrick and ask him back? Bullshit. There’s no way you forget about Derrick. He should be one of the core characters they ask back every time with Alton, Abram, Wes, Tonya, Coral, Robin, Tina, Beth, Brad and The Miz if he would ever return to MTV and stop reviewing movies.
So obviously I think it’s fishy that Derrick was available on such short notice, but they didn’t have him in the original cast. Here’s what I think:
C.T. signed his contract then wanted out. Why? I don’t know. It probably had something to do with Dice-K though. Then the producers told him tough shit and he told them he’d just knock somebody out to get kicked off. They decided to bring Derrick in as a “replacement” even though they already planned on him being in the original cast and took the opportunity to bring in another of the newer Real World/Road Rules players. Unfortunately for Davis he was probably the replacement – then he catches a knuckle sandwich from one of the biggest guys on the show.
I bet CT was trying to get Ace to throw the first punch because he wanted to take somebody with him. Ace wouldn’t bite so CT went back to drinking and right before he went to bed remembered he needed to punch somebody. Then this little gay kid happens along and gives the wrong answer to a question he should NOT have responded to. Seriously, if some drunken meathead asks you if you can take a punch, you should probably say “no” or just walk away. What the hell do you think is going to happen if you say, “Uh, yeah, sure I guess?” He’s probably going to punch you in the face, Mr. Amaechi.
So long story short, this season of The Inferno is going to be that much more enjoyable for me because CT didn’t feel like going through the motions this season. Personally, I hate (hate, repeat HATE) his voice. That Boston accent is awful. He should have played Billy’s cousin Sean in The Departed.
Also, this means the addition of Derrick. Great competitor, seems like a cool guy. Love the underdog. He and Alton are just great. I could barely watch when those two went at it last Inferno.
I have big hopes for this season. I do wish there was some representation of Real World San Diego, but what are you going to do?
Finally, I know it’s been said millions of times over the last 20 years, but how many times can Timmy come back? He was on Road Rules 2 (2!) back in 1996. That was 11 years ago. He’s 33. He looks 50 compared to the rest of the cast. Most of the girls are young enough to spank. (I don’t know where I got that from, I feel like something on NBC on Thursday, but I’m not sure.)
And what was Alton thinking taking the Gay Punching Bag’s place? Who cares, he’ll obviously, destroy Tyrie, but still. Will Alton do every Inferno? I’m excited about this. It’s the only way this is still challenging obviously.
That’s all I have to say about the first episode. I hope everyone who read this enjoys the Challenges as much as I do. In fact, if you don’t enjoy the Challenges or don’t have cable or something, I don’t know why you didn’t stop reading this sooner. Maybe I should have put some sort of warning at the top of the post. I’ll have to take that into consideration next time.
Today is Adam “Pacman” Jones’ first day of his yearlong suspension from the NFL. He’s going to spend his vacation with his good friend MOE (Member of Entourage) and many other special guests – I’m sure! – who will enter Pac’s life in various facets. Watch as he tries gardening! Goes bowling! Renews all his gun permits!
As a new feature of this blog I’ll be following Pac around this off season (and season for that matter) to keep you apprised of all the adventures he and MOE have that the “mainstream” media might be afraid to cover. Or maybe they just won’t cover what Mr. Jones is doing because he isn’t actually an athlete for a year. He’s just a young black man with a lot of money, no guidance, and a reputation for getting into trouble. (Following Everybody Hates Chris – this fall on the CW!)
This has left Adam Jones torn – on the one hand, he has a year off and a shit load of money. On the other hand, he has a chance to play football again next year. All he has to do is not get into any trouble.
When he’s put into situations where a good judgment is required you can almost picture an Angel Pacman over one shoulder and a Devil Pacman over the other. One saying “Just eat the dots, they are good for you and will get you to the next level,” while the other says, “Naw, dog. Eat them fruits. They tasty and then you get to put a cap in one of them ghosts’ ass afterwards!”
Anyway, onto the first chapter in our sure to be story!
It’s April 11, 2007 and Pacman just got the news yesterday about his suspension. He’s sitting around his house with MOE. They are playing Madden 2007.
Adam: What up son! Another pick for Pacman! Man, we running you!
MOE: Shit! You going to win again Pac. You want the bag of money?
Adam: No, man, I’m good. Don’t really feel like making it rain right now. You feel me?
MOE: Yeah, that Goodall guys an asshole. Why the punishing you for shit you didn’t even get convicted for? Society says you’re cool. What’s the big deal?
Adam: I know, man. It’s fucked. What the fuck am I going to do for a mother fucking year, son?
MOE: We can go to the strip club, son! *Picking up his cell phone* I’ll call Jimmy and Tyrone.
Adam: No man. That’s where the trouble all started. Don’t you see. Mr. Goodall don’t want me getting into any trouble or they won’t let me play football no more.
MOE: *Putting cell phone down sadly* Shit man. We haven’t been to the strip club in a week. We need to make it…”
Adam: Don’t even say it, man. That’s why we can play football this year.
MOE: Yeah, but it’s probably like the Mohave and shit in the club.
Adam: No. We ain’t going to the strip club. I’m gonna stay outta trouble. You feel me son?
MOE: Alright, Pac. You’re the boss. What do you want to do?
Adam: I guess I have time to go feed my pit bulls. Haven’t seen those mother fuckers in a while.
MOE: Good idea Pac. You want me to bring the bag of money?
Adam: No, God damn it! We are not going to make it FUCKING RAIN!
Uncomfortable silence as MOE wonders just where the berretta is [at]. Pacman decides to ease the tension with a joke..
Adam: Besides, them dogs just run into their little house like little bitches when it rains.
MOE: *Laughing* Good one, Pac.
Adam and MOE walk out back
Adam: Look at them all sleepin’ and shit. Joey [Porter] was right. They are pretty damn cute.
MOE: Pac, I don’t think they’re sleeping, man.
Adam: What? Oh, shit! You think they’re dead?
MOE: Man, I forgot we had these mother fuckers. I ain’t fed them in like…shit, I don’t remember, dog…sorry.
Adam: This isn’t good. This shit will lead SportsCenter. I just know it.