So I’m sitting in my office this morning trying to get some shit together about the Derby (We love us some gambling!) and people kept stopping to look at me. It might have been because I was singing The Warrior at the top of my lungs over and over again, but I can’t be sure.
I was looking for a picture of Scarlett Johansson on a horse but I couldn’t find one. (Amber, consider this a challenge) Then I searched bareback and returned interesting results. It wasn’t anything I will post on this site, but it is something I will continue to study.
Anyway, here are some sites you might want to check out.
BoDog site in case you can’t go to OTB with us Saturday afternoon. (The TV is real big)
All the pertinent info!
What I’ll be studying in the bathroom this morning. It’s horse related I swear. That has to be a better way to say that.
I would give you a more in depth overview of the Derby, but I don’t know that much about horse racing. However, to quote Marvin: “I like horses!”
I don’t know much about horse racing but I do know its fun. Maybe Mike Vick and his relatives should look into it. After all, it’s a lot more fan friendly than pitting dogs against each other for financial gain.
Anyway, here are my picks:
Educated guesses: Culrin, the favorite with Street Sense and Scat Daddy. (W/P/S boxed)
Dark Horse (not meant as a pun, I swear): Any Given Saturday and Great Hunter from the outside and Cowtown Cat on the inside
Because it would be fun to hear the name for the rest of the Triple Crown season: Liquidity – Go ahead, just say it a few times out loud.
That was fun wasn’t it? I thought so.
…excuse me, Make It Rain just came on my online radio station. I’ll be back in a couple minutes...
Okay, I’m back. Liquidity is definitely getting a 5 spot place on him…at 30-1 I’d be dumb not to.
Now for my favorite play of the day – a 2 dollar Trifecta Box featuring Sedgefield (50-1), Imawildandcrazyguy (50-1), and Bwana Bull (50-1). I don’t know how much that would be if it hit, but I would walk the fuck away from whatever I’m doing right now and probably buy everybody in the house a beer or 2. Of course if you’re dumb enough to actually place that bet then you deserve to be hit by a bus. Of course, like Kevin from The Office says, "If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 odds on anything - You take it."
Here is my official pick:
Win: Circular Quay
Show: Cowtown Cat
Feel free to bet that and lose. And if you do lose, then at least you have this picture of Lindsay Lohan back in the day to help you forget your troubles.
Just remember, you heard it here first, kids.
Anyway, this is it for me today. Enjoy the Barbaro Back Ribs. Only a few more months until Saratoga…
Friday, May 04, 2007
So I’m sitting in my office this morning trying to get some shit together about the Derby (We love us some gambling!) and people kept stopping to look at me. It might have been because I was singing The Warrior at the top of my lungs over and over again, but I can’t be sure.
Because we all love Golden State, here's a tribute...
(Vocal cords provided by Patty Smyth)
Update: Less than a week after I posted this video the original was taken down. The lesson, as always - Never underestimate the incredible drawing power of Patty Smyth.
Now watch it again and sing along this time...
You run, run, runaway it's your
Heart that you betray
Feeding on your hungry eyes
I bet you're not so civilized
Isn't love primitive a wild gift
You wanna give
Break out of captivity
And follow me stereo jungle child
Love is the kill your heart's still wild
Shootin' at the walls of heartache
Bang, bang, I am the warrior
Yes I am the warrior
And heart to heart you win
If you survive the warrior, the warrior
You talk, talk, talk to me
Your eyes touch me physically
Stay with me, we'll take the night
As passion takes another bite
Oh, who's the hunter
Who's the game
I feel the beat call your name
I'll hold you close in victory
I don't wanna tame your animal style
You won't be caged
From the call of the wild...
To clear this up, I didn't write that song, but I sure as hell sing it a lot. I can thank Brian Slezak for that. This was also the song in Stewie's iPod commercial.
I have to say, after watching the video for the fifth time this morning (aren't the 80's great?) I couldn't help but wonder just what the fuck a "stereo jungle child" is. I guess some questions are best not answered, eh?
Good morning friends. Happy Friday.
First up, Dallas Mavericks, enjoy your summer vacation.
I was both pleased and disappointed when I got home last night as I walked in the door on a 20 point game. Part of me said, “Yeah, fuck the Mavericks! A big upset! I was rooting for the Warriors!” Then part of me was saying, “Really? This is all Dallas had? What a crock of shit. After that great series this is what the Mavs bring to the table in game 6?”
Seriously, that was sad. De La Hoya may be beaten into a pulp this weekend, but I bet he at least keeps swinging. Did Dirk take a shot last night? 8 fucking points? Stephen Jackson hit 7 of 8 threes. He had one less 3-pointer than the MVP of the league had POINTS? I think he’s cemented himself as the A-Rod of the NBA. Then again, that might be doing a disservice to A-Rod. Poor D-Now.
Interesting fact: Germans are well-known for taking the spring months off. Just seeing D-Now show up to the arena this last week was a surprise to many in his home country.
First up, his driver’s license needs to go. His friends constantly call him to give them a ride to the airport. Nowitzki really wants to get his friends there on time but to date has caused his friend Claus to miss 17 flights home to Germany. (via London) Dallas to London are expensive tickets (Nearly 500 dollars a pop if purchased ahead of time) but despite Dirk living only a short 15 minute drive from the airport, he still cannot get Claus there on time. He does always make it to the duty free shop for mass quantities of David Hasselhoff cologne.
Movie passes – Dirk loves the movies – especially Pixar’s animated films. Every Friday he makes plans to go to the movies, but never gets there in time to buy tickets. He does plan on seeing Shrek 3, but he will only get there on opening night if Devin Harris or Michael Finley drive.
Cooking Thanksgiving Dinner – luckily Germans don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Little known fact: Germans are terrified of large mostly flightless birds. Ironic because Dirk has played like a turkey this series.
I’m sure there’s more here, but it’s early and I need a drink. There’s a keystone in my glove compartment – thank you Mike – and I can’t wait to crack that boiling can of liquid gold when I get home this afternoon. That’s how you live healthy.
Here’s what’s on tap for the day:
Horse racing coverage (Sal Paolantoniowill not be weighing in here)
Sexy women! (Very nice…how much?)
Video of me singing every Korn song ever released despite the fact that no one has liked them since Jr. High. (Twisted transistor!)
Nothing this afternoon unless I’m inspired infinitely by something because I have this beautiful PM off. Enjoy the Barbaro burgers.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Because every other sports blog on the internet (as opposed to those blogs that aren’t on the internet) is going to be posting these pictures in the next 24-hours, I might as well join the party. Otherwise I might get my Lemming Membership revoked.
Everyone is making fun of this picture and others, (Check them out at With Leather, Kissing Suzy Kolber) but no one is getting to the bottom of the story behind the pictures. Luckily, Cousins of Ron Mexico (I think at this point I’m referring to myself in the 5th person or something ridiculous like that) had someone undercover at Brady Quinn’s house to get to the bottom of this. Here’s what he heard:
I see you all wore your pastel polo shirts…Ralph Lauren…nice selection Josh.
Who brought the John Mayer CD? You did? Good job Thurston.
Yeah, pop that puppy in.
Okay, everybody form a circle. Good, good. We’ve got to get a good stretch going. Feel the burn boys! Woooo!
Okay, Thurston, switch CD’s, it’s time to sweat.
Now, we’ve got to loosen up the muscles so nobody pulls anything! Let’s just all take off our shirts and throw them in the middle. Okay, now to really get a good sweat going we’re going to crank up the C&C Music Factory and just let loose!
Whew! That was fun wasn’t it guys? Okay, now everybody into the basement to watch me lift. Who wants to spot me?
No, you can’t all spot me, but you can watch. You go first Preston, ooh yeah.
*3 hours later*
Okay fellas, that was a great workout! Let’s hit the showers. My arms are a little sore. Is anybody sore from spotting me? Yeah, how many did I do today? 3000 crunches? That’s getting close to my personal record.
Okay, who didn’t turn off their cell phone. I mean, yeah Barbie Girl is a kick-ass ringtone, but this is Fight Club guys…
Oh, that’s mine. Sorry.
Oh, snap! Everybody quiet down, it’s my girl.
Hey baby. What’s up? Oh yeah? He rescheduled? That sucks.
No, I won’t use Sven anymore either. I don’t care how good my highlights looked that time. If he doesn’t have time for you, I don’t have time for him. Yeah, baby, we should totally watch Drive Me Crazy tonight. Adrian Gr…er, Melissa Joan Hart looks so hot in that movie. Love you too. Lates.
Okay, dudes. Where were we? Oh yeah, shower time!
After we get toweled off we need to take some badass pictures so everbody knows what Brady Quinn Fight Club is all about.
What is Brady Quinn Fight Club all about? Good question. Well it should probably be like in that sweet movie.
Okay, okay. I got it. Here are the rules:
First rule of Brady Quinn Fight Club is No Fighting.
Second rule of Brady Quinn Fight Club is… Hey, nice package! Now you touch mine! Yeah! Now you touch him! YES! Quick, Preston, take our picture! Nobody’s going to mess with us!
Secretary: Mr Van Peebles will see you know, Wes.
Wes: Thank you secretary. I have enjoyed perusing your back issues of Vanity Fair, eh.
Secretary: I am glad you enjoyed them. Did you happen to catch the profile of Rachel Weisz?
Wes: Yes, I did. I have always found her to be more of a classic Canadian type beauty.
Secretary: I agree with this assessment. Enjoy your meeting.
Wes: I hope to. I plan on singing a big free agent contract with the club instead of the more financially feasible option for the club which is to drop me like a sack of hockey pucks, eh. Good bye secretary.
Secretary: Good bye, Wes Walz.
Wes: Hello, Mr. Van Peebles, my name is Wes Walz. I am Alberta, Canada’s favorite son and a cultural icon here in the land of maple syrup and ice. I would like to be resigned to a large free agent contract, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: I’m sorry, Wes, but you are a 37 year old center who is only ‘5-10. Kevin Garnett is only a forward for the Timberwolves and he is 7 feet tall. It is just not feasible for us to try and keep you. While we respect the fact that you have given us [x-many] excellent years of service we are trying to go another way, eh. Also, you did not need to introduce yourself seeing as how I signed you myself multiple years ago and have even been to dinner at your Canadian estate in the off-season, eh.
Wes: You are right Mr. Van Peebles. However, I disagree with your decision and would like to be re-signed to a hearty free agent contract so that I may purchase more hockey pucks and Blue Jay tickets, eh. And might I add that is a beautiful picture of Rachel Weisz you have there?
Mario Van Peebles: Thank you. I have always thought that Rachel Weisz is a classic beauty.
Wes: A classic Canadian type beauty, eh?
Mario Van Peebles: Yes, eh.
Wes: Perhaps we should talk now of the free agent contract that I would like to sign, eh?
Mario Van Peebles: Let’s do what you just said. I’m truly sorry Wes, but I am a wealthy front office person and have already purchased all the Blue Jays tickets. I guess you will have to settle for tickets to the Toronto Argonauts. Of course this is all pointless because we refuse to pay you a big free agent contract, eh.
Wes: But I do not wish to purchase tickets to the Arena Football League. I do not wish to follow sports that do not take place on ice, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: I understand this Wes, but baseball isn’t played on ice.
Wes: I know this Mr. Van Peebles, but I like to pretend it is, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: As do I Wes, eh.
Wes: So would you like to write up the 200 million loon contract now, eh?
Mario Van Peebles: No, I will never give you that many loon. You are worth no more than 150 million loon, eh.
Wes: Excellent. I will sign this contract you have negotiated, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: No, Wes. I was just giving you an example of how many loon I would give you, but I did not agree to this. I do not wish to sign you to a large free agent contract.
Wes: I disagree with your decision, eh. You may be a great judge of classic Canadian type beauty, but you know nothing of hockey players, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: I know plenty about hockey players since I own a professional hockey franchise, the Minnesota Wild, eh.
Wes: You are a hoser. Are you the same Mario Van Peebles that was in multiple movies?
Mario Van Peebles: No, you are thinking of Mario Van Peebles, the classically trained black actor. I am Mario Van Peebles the famous hockey owner with the goatee and mustache and top hat that matches my outfit, eh.
Wes: Of course. Do you also write with a quill, eh?
Mario Van Peebles: Yes, I do. I write out all the large free agent contracts with my quill, eh.
Wes: Well, why don’t you write one now for me, eh?
Mario Van Peebles: I do not wish to, eh.
Wes: If you don’t I will take your hate with my hockey stick and not give it back, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: Give me back my hat, eh!
Wes: Not until you write my large free agent contract with your quill so that I can sign it and buy hockey pucks and Blue Jays tickets, eh!
Mario Van Peebles: I already told you that I bought all the Blue Jays tickets, eh!
Wes: But I want Blue Jays tickets, eh!
Mario Van Peebles: Fine, if you give me back my hat I will give you many loon as well as Blue Jays tickets, eh.
Wes: Excellent. I also would like a copy of The Fountain starring Rachel Weisz, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: But that movie doesn’t come out for another 2 weeks, eh.
Wes: Fine, I will wait and purchase The Fountain starring Rachel Weisz when it is finally released on DVD on May 15, 2007, eh. Let’s go buy some hockey pucks and watch the Blue Jays, eh?
Mario Van Peebles: That sounds great. I am glad to sign you to a large free agent contract, eh.
Wes: But you said that you didn’t want to sign me to a big free agent contract, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: I know, eh.
Wes: Was this all a negotiating ploy to get the upper hand, eh?
Mario Van Peebles: Yes and it worked just as I had planned, eh.
Wes: I guess I learned my lesson, eh.
Mario Van Peebles: I think we all learned something today about negotiating, eh?
Wes: Yes, we did.
Mario Van Peebles: HA HA HA, EH!
Wes: HA HA HA, EH!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
This is Kiera Knightly. I asked Ben, "Kiera Knightly, Lindsay Lohan, or Lucy Lui?" He was confused for a moment then said, "Oh, Kiera Knightly, hands down. Wait, young boyish Bend it like Beckham Kiera Knightly or hot Pirates of the Carribbean Kiera Knightly? And are we talking about Mean Girls era Lindsay Lohan or skinny present day Lindsay Lohan?" The moral of this story I guess, is that Ben is mostly into white women - nothing wrong with that I guess. (Fear not, you'll see Lucy Lui within the week!)
I’m too busy visiting the official website for rock bands like Monster Magnet and Big Head Todd and the Monsters to write good all encompassing posts everyday. It’s just me over here. Ben’s in his little office and he’s no help whatsoever. The kid has never heard of Big Head Todd. What the fuck?
You know how long it’s been since I wrote anything that Lauren was interested in? A while my friends. It’s been a while. So when I need to break down Dirk Nowitzki’s “playoff resurgence” I’m going to take a few hundred words to do just that. Until I gain corporate sponsorship and am able to expand the roster over here at Cousins of Ron Mexico to more than one. I asked Lauren to be the official CRM Editor and she said no. I think it’s because she doesn’t really like sports.
You guys know how easily distracted I am. One second I’m throwing things at Ben then a pretty picture pops up on the computer screen and he gets an hour of respite. The point is I can’t please all 4 of the people who read this everyday.
I know what you’re thinking, “3 other people read this?” The answer of course is yes. And I’m glad they do. Otherwise they might not know that my mother had her heart broken last night when John Ratzeberger was voted off Dancing With the Stars. I swear to God, if it was 3 months ago and my phone rang after 10pm and it was from my parents’ house I would assume that someone had died or at the very least was in the hospital. Now she calls every Tuesday to tell me how many times she voted for Cliff Claven that night.
Reality television is a sickness and my mother isn’t feeling too good right now. Those bastards at ABC.
Chris likes Limited Edition Dandelion Huckleberry Wheat Seasonal Cask Ales in six packs.
Marvin enjoys a bad beat in ways that he can never truly explain. It’s not the thrill of losing money it’s the idea that he’ll have something to go “Ahhhh, you love playing 3-10 unsuited, don’t ya Steve.”
Pat is… shit I don’t know what that kid is. I think he likes orangutans in pizza boxes. He’s a real mystery. His time will come though. As he assimilates into the group and starts to develop a chemical dependency I’ll figure him out and expose him for his foibles. Until then here’s something to keep him entertained: Pacman pacman, pacman, MOE, MOE, MOE, silver dollar pancakes….mmm.
Christian has stories that would make Tucker Max say, “That’s kind of filthy.” The kid has hit more 3’s than Reggie Miller.
As for me? I’m wonderful. I kicked a chair today and now my foot hurts. That’ll teach me. So here’s some shit I wrote this morning before Dirk garnered my ire.
There is nothing more I can say for this man.
I’m going to share a few feelings on the Mavs/Warriors game. I know those reading this probably don’t care about the NBA playoffs (Heathens!) but I wouldn’t be doing my sports-blogging duties if I didn’t opine on the utter cock tease that game 5 was.
First up, Baron Davis. Someone in the Deadspin comments section said Baron Davis was the new Gilbert Arenas. Baron Davis has been the balls since UCLA, this much is true. I’ve got nothing but love for Hibachi, but Baron and the playoff beard were around before we all knew Gil was a little off. Anyway, glad to see Baron Davis getting his due. (Editor’s Note: Get well soon Agent Zero, the League misses and needs you)
Concerning Baron’s sixth foul - it was horrible, but in that situation the referee knew there was going to be a foul given because the Warriors were trailing by 2 with under 20 seconds in the game. They had to foul. Just unfortunate that Baron got called instead of whoever was going to come over and give up one so that Davis could stay in the game. And let me just say, without Baron, the Warriors don’t look to sharp. That was a situational reaction call.
The Stephen Jackson ejection? That was a reputation call. Barkley said it in the Post Game. It was the referee trying to assert himself along with Stephen Jackson’s, um, reputation, I guess. Somewhere, Joey Crawford was smiling.
My last argument is my longest. I call bullshit on those who are saying Nowitzki played like an MVP last night. Bullshit. Yeah, sure Nowitzki hit a couple of big 3’s, but you don’t think Austin Croshere would have knocked those down? Or Jason Terry. Or Jerry Stackhouse? Or Josh Howard? Or Devean George? And those are just guys I can name on the Mavericks’ roster. How many guys in NBA would have hit those shots?
Devin Harris was the reason the Mavs (who had blown a 21-point lead) weren’t completely out of the game. Just look at the game log if you didn’t see the game.
Let me introduce you to a new verb: Steve Nash. That’s right I just used Steve Nash as a verb – you read it here first folks.
Steve Nash: v. Control, Command (to control or manipulate a game with ridiculous Point Guard skills and seemingly minimal effort) “Jason Kidd really Steve Nashed that game last night”
Devin Harris is the one who wouldn’t let this game get away from Dallas. In the Fourth Quarter Harris effectively Steve Nashed the game. He scored 9 consecutive Dallas points to start the quarter. Then got assists on Dallas’ next three (That’s THREE) baskets (3-pointers). One assist for Harris to Big Shot Austin Croshere and the next two to Mr. MVP himself, who did a wonderful job of knocking down both of the spot-up jumpers. Then Harris hit another driving lay-up. At this point Nowitzki began his tear at the charity stripe hitting 7 of 8 free-throws to ice the game as Golden State fell apart. (The Warriors didn’t score in the last 3:20) So that was Nowitzki’s “huge” 13-point 4th Quarter that all the kids are talking about this morning.
To recap, Dirk made two jump shots made possible by Devin Harris’ demand of a help defender. (Similar to the respect Nash commands when he drives because of his ability to finish) Harris was KILLING the Warriors at this point. You think you would ever see Tracy McGrady or Kobe’s defender leave them to play help defense in the 4th? The answer ladies and gentlemen is, “no.” There were guys leaving Dirk alone to try and stop Devin Harris. Does that sound right?
Did I mention before those 3’s Nowitzki had only made one (1!) field goal the entire second half and it was a 17-footer towards the beginning of the 3rd? No? I didn’t. Sorry. Sounds like an MVP performance to me.
Here’s another fact: During the stretch where Dallas’s 21 point lead evaporated (going back to the 5-minute mark in the Second Quarter) to a 9-point deficit, Nowitzki made 1 (1!) lay-up and the aforementioned 17-footer.
My point is, Devin Harris, I’ve got your back. I’m sure those in the Dallas area do to and Dirk probably bought you something really nice (maybe you can get an autographed picture of him with his MVP trophy?) for everything you did for him (read: basically saving his season and “reputation.”)
Sure, 30 points and 12 rebounds looks pretty sweet, but I’ll stand with the guy who made everything happen. Bill Simmons effectively trashed Dirk’s “MVP” yesterday much better than I could ever hope to, but I had to take a stab.
My prediction for Thursday in Golden State? Glad you asked. Go Warriors. I’ll definitely stay up and watch hoping to see Dirk’s poor attempt at a beard quietly not affect the game for 4 quarters and watch Devin Harris do everything humanly possible to Steve Nash the game.
Links brought to you by people who make a lot more money than me!
This is a special video for Marvin and I. I think it came out in 1997. It was definitely around Junior High, maybe 9th grade. Anyway, for a couple of teenagers, this kept us laughing for hours at a time. Of course, not much has changed since then. (only the settings) I predict that we quote this just as many times in the next year as we do 300…okay maybe not 300, but you get the point.)
Okay, now I’ll look to see when this commercial came out.
Nope, couldn’t find it.
I’ll admit that I got side tracked with previous google searches for pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Lucy Lui (This sexual fantasy was brought to you by the letter “L” and the number “3”) so I’ll turn any further investigation into this manner (or hunting for pictures of either of the LL’s for that matter) over to my new friend and de facto researcher Amber at the Assembly who probably isn’t very busy. (Just like the rest of those kids down there at that “county job” as Kyle and Jimmy Swellkuntz would say) Anyway, may I present to you – and this definitely deserved its own post because of its absolute wonderfulness (apparently that is an actual word)
So, without further ado...
I am Batman!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Adam: Alright son, I finished my apology letter.
MOE: You the man, Pac. What’d you say in it?
Adam: You know. I told him about the credit history and crystal.
MOE: Shit, credit scores are for real son. That man in the commercial ain’t lying.
Adam: True. Told him I’d whoop Vick’s ass too.
MOE: Really? What we gonna do on the weekends if we ain’t friends with Mike?
Adam: I’m just sayin. We ain’t really gonna do nothing. Just got to make it sound like I will.
MOE: Damn you’re smart Pac.
Adam: True. We got to mail this shit today. Can you handle this shit?
MOE: I’m on it Pac.
Adam: When you get back you can make some Silver Dollahs. I’m starving son.
MOE: I’m on it Pac. I’ll get some mix and shit.
Two days later the letter comes back to the house marked: Return To Sender. Someone forgot the stamp.
Adam: Motherfucker, what is this shit!
MOE: Is it that old guy selling money again?
Adam: No dog. It’s my letter to Goody! It’s back.
MOE: That’s good right? What does it say?
Adam: It’s the letter I wrote son. You didn’t do something right.
MOE: *Staring blankly*
Adam: Motherfucker, how am I supposed to get my appeal on if Commish don’t get my letter?
MOE: I don’t know Pac. How?
Adam: I don’t know!
MOE: Maybe we should go to the post office or something?
Adam: Motherfuc…That ain’t bad. Yeah, let’s go to the post office and shit. They’ll know how to reach Commish.
MOE: *Letting out a sigh of relief* Alright, Pac. I’ll warm up the ride.
15 minutes later Pacman and MOE pull into the parking lot of a small West Virginia post office.
MOE: You sure this it? It’s not even as big as the garage?
Adam: It’s say post office right there. See? POST. OFFICE.
MOE: Oh, yeah. I guess this must be it.
Adam: Remember. Be cool in there. These mother fuckers are dangerous.
They walk in and there is a small line. They situate in the back like good West Virginians.
Adam: Damn this line is long. It’s like The Price is Right up in this bitch. *chuckling*
MOE: Yeah, Pac. It’s like The Price is Right and shit alright. *laughing at Pacman’s joke*
They finally get up to the window.
Postal Employee: Hello, how can I help you?
Adam: Whatup? I tried to mail this to the Commish, but it came back. What the fuck happened?
Postal Employee: *Put off by the strong language of Pacman and the utter randomness of the
previous sentence* Uh, I don’t know. Let me see the letter.
Adam: MOE, where the letter at?
MOE: Uh, I thought you had it Pac?
Adam: Are you fucking serious?
MOE: I’m just joking Pac! It’s right here. *Pulling the letter out of his pocket*
Adam: Don’t scare me like that dog. I’m trying to get my appeal on. That ain’t funny!
MOE: I’m sorry Pac. I just thought…
Adam: Just forget it son. This shit it serious.*Turning his attention back to the employee* Here man. What’s wrong with this shit.
Postal Employee: Well, sir, it doesn’t appear to have a stamp.
Adam: No shit. You forgot the stamp MOE.
MOE: Damn. I knew something wasn’t right with that shit when it came back. Now I know what
Adam: Give me a stamp then.
Postal Employee: That will be 39 cents.
Adam: *Turning to MOE* Give me 39 cents, dog.
MOE: I don’t got any change Pac.
Adam: Alright, give me some more money then.
MOE: Word, here’s a Benjamin. *To the employee* You guys sell credit cards here?
Postal Employee: No, sir, this is the Post Office.
Adam: That’s a’ight dog. Here’s a hundred.
Postal Employee: I’m sorry sir, we can’t accept bills this big for a single stamp.
Adam: What the fuck dog? This is all I got.
Postal Employee: I’m sorry, but this is a small Post Office. I usually don’t see bills over 10.
You’ll need to get change somewhere else.
MOE: Yo Pac. Let’s go to the club. We can probably get some change out of a g-string and shit.
Adam: We ain’t going to the club MOE. You never know where the Commish is at.
Postal Employee: There’s a bowling alley down the street.
MOE: Yeah, lets bowl man.
Adam: No fucking way dog. Bowling alleys is trouble. Especially WVA bowling alleys. Might as
well go to the club.
MOE: Yes! We goin to the club. We goin to the club.
Adam: No, we ain’t going to the club damn it.
MOE: Aww. Just for a couch dance?
Adam: Fine man, we get change and we out.
MOE: But I get a couch dance right?
Adam: Jesus motherfucker. Fine. One couch dance.
Adam: *turning back to the employee* We’ll be back in a little while. Save me a stamp.
Postal Employee: *blinking in disbelief* Uh, okay.
7 hours later they return to the Post Office. It’s closed for the day.
Adam: We missed it man! Damn it. How am I going to send my letter now?
MOE: We still got the letter. Let’s just put it in the box.
Adam: Motherfucker, we need a stamp.
MOE: Oh, yeah. You want to wait?
Adam: No, we’ll go home, get some sleep and then come back in the morning after we get some
silver dollars into us.
MOE: That sounds good Pac. Can we have them for dinner too?
Adam: Nah, dog. You have them for dinner, the
breakfast ones isn’t as special.
MOE: You right. So what we gonna eat?
Adam: I don’t know man. We’ll just heat something
up. Order some Taco Bell.
MOE: Yo, that shits tasty. I’m gonna get like 7 Crunch Wrap Supremes.
Adam: Sounds good to me dog. Let’s go.
After a night of Taco Bell and watching Lisa Leslie highlight tapes, they wake up have a pile of silver dollar pancakes and return to the Post Office to mail the appeal letter.
Postal Employee: Hello…*realizing who is back* uh, one stamp?
Adam: Yeah, dog. I got a 50 this time.
Postal Employee: Sir…*sighing* You brought a 50?
MOE: Yeah man, we got like 100 of them and shit. How many you need?
Postal Employee: I was thinking bills a little small…*sighing* whatever. Here. Just take a stamp.
Adam: Thanks dog. Here, make sure this gets to the Commish by Wednesday.
Postal Employee: Sir, today is Wednesday.
Adam: What did I say?
Postal Employee: You said Wednesday.
MOE: What’s today?
Postal Employee: Wednesday.
Adam: I said Wednesday.
Postal Employee: You mean next Wednesday?
Adam: What’s next Wednesday?
Adam: I mean the date.
Postal Employee: The seventh.
MOE: Is that a Wednesday? Because the letter has to be there by Wednesday.
Adam: Motherfucker, next Wednesday is too late.
MOE: We should have mailed it last Wednesday right?
Postal Employee: Is this letter due today?
MOE: It’s due Wednesday.
Postal Employee: What DATE is this letter due?
Adam: I don’t know.
MOE: Wednesday right?
Postal Employee: Do you have a fax number for where you’re sending this?
Adam: Yes. No. What?
MOE: You need a fact? This shit’s gotta be there Wednesday or Pac can’t play next year.
Postal Employee: Have you ever heard of e-mail?MOE: Silver Dollar pancakes are delicious.
Adam: I find e-mail so impersonal.
Postal Employee: You can overnight this for 2 dolla…*realizes they only have 50’s* Just…Ugh.
MOE: The WNBA has superior fundamentals to the NBA.
Postal Employee: Just give me a 50. It costs 50 dollars.
MOE: Bears is scary as shit. Those are facts.
Adam: Give me a 50 MOE.
MOE: Here you go Pac. You need any more facts?
Postal Employee: Just. Here. Fine. You’re all set. Have a nice day.
Adam: Thanks man.
MOE: You’re gonna get your appeal on Pac. And I helped!
Postal Employee: Me too! Please leave.
MOE: Later, dog.
Postal Employee: I sure hope not.
Pacman’s Jones' one true love is football. Well, football and silver dollar pancakes, but you get the picture. Anyway, Pacman recently had to mail in a letter of appeal to Roger Goodell so that he might have his suspension reduced from a full season to something less drastic. I was lucky enough to see the letter before it was mailed out and I was also fortunate enough to see our friends Adam and MOE try to mail out the letter. First, the letter:
Dear Mister Goodell,
I’m sorry. I know you don’t condone making it rain now. I realize now how stupid my actions were that night at the club. You see I wasn’t thinking straight because I had already drank like 3 bottles of Cristal and you know that shit can fuck a motherfucker up. I know now that I shouldn’t have bashed that hoe’s head off the dance floor.
The lesson I learned is sometimes you gotta let the Benjamins go. I think Diddy said it best when he said, “It’s all about the Benjamins baby.” Now I know better. It won’t happen again. I also don’t want you to think that this was thought out. I had no intention of making it rain that night in question.
You see me and my homeboy MOE (He my driver and shit.) we always carry around a bag of money because being young black men we don’t have very good credit history so we never got any good credit card deals. Now I get them shits all the time and I’m thinking of getting one because they keep saying I’m approved now but I don’t know if it’s a scam like them bitches that come with the Star Search guy on them. Or maybe he’s the guy with diabetes. You know all old white people look the same, you probably can’t even tell.
Anyway, since we don’t have any credit we got to carry around the bag of money. See MOE got to close to one of the fans that makes the strippers hair flow and shit and some of the money started to get away from him. (He makes a hell of a silver dollar pancake, but the boy ain’t the quickest if you know what I’m sayin.) That’s when I guess my role comes into the “crime.” I saw how cool them hundies looked floatin through the air and I thought it looked tight like snow do on Christmas. So then I started to throw some up because I was celebrating bein at the NBA All-Star game weekend. I’m not a big NBA fan, but I came to see the 3-Ball challenge with the ladies from the WNBA. They got tight fundamentals and shit and I ain’t gonna hide it any more – Motherfucker, I’m a fan. But don’t judge me on that. It’s a problem I have and I’m working on that.
Anyway, I promise to get a credit card, not drink so much Crys when I roll in the club, and stop watching so much WNBA because I know the image problem that causes our players. If you need to get a better judge on my character come down to the WVA and I’ll show you how close to home I keep it. We’ll go to the club, whatever you want. This one time Michael Vick came over and we went to the dog track.
Ha! I’m just playing with you Goody. I don’t have anything to do with that Vick character. He’s a whole state away and shit. I promise I’ll stay away from him. He’s getting old now anyway. You know a running QB can’t stay in the L for that long. You let me play I promise I’ll be the one to knock that motherfucker out of the league. Week 5 – October 7th. I just had MOE look up the schedule on the internets. So give me a chance Commish. I’ll make you proud. So in closing – credit cards; less cris; less WNBA; knocking Mike Vick the fuck out. Hope to hear from you soon,
Love and Basketball, (That’s my favorite movie son!)
Adam “Pacman” Jones
Coming Soon! Adam and MOE mail the letter - hilarity ensues!
Monday, April 30, 2007
"Okay, Brady, that looks real good. Maybe you could loosen your belt a little...mmm...muss up your hair some more....oh yeah, that's the stuff." - Roger Goodell is the private hyperbaric Quinn chamber
Here's a picture of Brady Quinn at the private photo shoot he had with Roger Goodell on Saturday. Many were questioning his accuracy, but does this not look like a man who will thread the needle. If you know what I mean.
I heard on ESPN's draft broadcast (Wait, ESPN had the draft? How did I miss that?) that some thought Brady Quinn was being overhyped because his name was Brady. Let's think about that.
People thought that because Brady Quinn's first name was Brady that he would be like Tom "My last name is" Brady. No one mentioned if the Browns drafted Joe Thomas because they thought he was super smart like Thomas Edison.
I’ve already decided I’m going to take Brady Quinn with my first pick I my fantasy draft this year. I just think he deserves it. I don’t want him waiting in my kitchen for 2 hours while players like Dominic Rhodes and Eli Manning get picked ahead of him. Besides, he’d just get in the way of whoever is making the nacho dip.
I think the whole going to a secret room while you’re waiting to be selected should be used more often. Elementary school kids picking sides for kick ball should employ this method. The less athletic kids should go wait behind the jungle gym to save themselves from the embarrassment of being picked last for recess football. Then they can come out right when the captain finally calls their name and pretend that they haven’t been crying like little bitches. Of course they’ll probably end up just hiking the ball because they don’t have the arm strength or accuracy to succeed at recess. Of course this situation wouldn’t be comparable to Brady Quinn’s because the little kid isn’t losing 17 million in guaranteed money. (Deadspin)
In other drat weekend news Randy Moss was traded to the New England Patriots for a 4th round draft pick. Moss is looking forward to the idea of playing for a Super Bowl contender again. This pales in comparison to the excitement he is feeling about New Englander’s lax views on having illegitimate children out of wedlock.
Rex Grossman was recently overheard saying that he wouldn’t mind going to the Patriots next year when his contract is up. The idea of throwing the ball to Randy Moss in practice has long been a dream of Grossman’s.
One final draft note: Mel Kiper, Jr. is really fucking bored today. Seriously. He’s just walking around his house wondering what to do next. You know those days where it’s nice out, but not too nice? And you kind of want to go outside, but all your friends are at work or busy? And there’s really nothing on television that you feel like watching? And you just had a late breakfast so it’s too early for lunch? You would go to the mall, but you really don’t have anything you need right now? One of those days where you’re thirsty and your fridge is full, but there’s nothing in there you really want to drink? The house is pretty clean, but who wants to mop on a Wednesday? Well, my friends. That is Mel Kiper, Jr. today.
Okay, okay. One more Brady Quinn related item. Enjoy.
That little ditty was by BradyFan83 who also brought you the song about of Ron Mexico and many more football players. (From With Leather)