SAY GOODBYE TO THESE!
Screencap stolen from the Balboa Observer-Picayune
Screencap stolen from the Balboa Observer-Picayune
I don’t really have much to say this morning, but I needed to post just so I would have an excuse to throw up this picture of Elisha Cuthbert. She was excellent in Old School wasn’t she?
How about Love Actually? (Yeah, I’ve seen Love Actually. So what? You’re too tough to watch it I suppose? Well fuck you, I love that movie)
What about that Weezer video?
I’m sorry, I can’t stop. A compilation.
Okay, I’m done. I guess today is officially Elisha Cuthbert day here at CRM.
It’s certainly a nice change of pace from the Nickelback video I had up earlier. What the fuck was up with that anyway? So we had these presentations for our class and one group used an actual Nickelback video at the end. Personally, I would have used the “Guy From Nickelback Private Eye” video.
Remember the time they walked off stage?
Sorry, I feel like a real jack just posting link after link. Seriously though. Nickelback gets such a tough rap don’t they? All they do is make hit albums. Much like Vince Young only knows how to win football games, all Nickelback knows how to do is make hit rock records. You’ll be hard pressed to find an actual Nickelback fan though.
It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday. Everyone remember to be a good son or daughter and visit your mom.
So it looks like Clemens is going to have his first start this year in Fenway. Oh boy. How exciting. I hope that the media realizes this and covers the story. What would be the bigger circus match-up? Let’s examine:
Clemens vs Curt Schilling - (A combined 85 years old!) Who will be the first awake that morning to shake their fist at the paper boy and his fancy bike? Who can get through 5 innings? I love middle relief!
Clemens vs Andrew Dice-K – (A combined 12 million dollars a pitch!) Does Dice-K have any idea who Roger Clemens is or does his translator just say he does?
Clemens vs Josh Beckett – (A combined love of some number of something!) Beckett hasn’t had his customary trip to the DL yet, so this probably won’t happen. But should he pitch and shut down the Yankees (He’s currently 7-0) then Clemens probably won’t win because, well, he’s a 45 year old fatass who hasn’t thrown a live in a year. No worries though, the science of steroids is fascinating! You should see what a 45 year old can do.
Clemens vs. Tim Wakefield – (A combined 85 years old!) Jesus Christ. I swear pitchers don’t die, they just get old and move to the AL East. It’s like the Del Boca Vista of Major League Baseball (“Morty…this is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida? Guess what? We just got a condo in Del Bocca Vista! You will see me at the Clubhouse, the pool, and I’ll be ALL OVER that shuffle board court! AND I DARE YOU TO TRY TO STOP ME!”)
Clemens vs. Julian Tavarez – (A combined…oh who the fuck am I kidding?) No one cares about Julian Tavarez. Not you. Not me. Not Julian Taverez’s mother. No one.
And that’s all I have to say about that geriatric convention.
Anyone catch The Office last night? Me either. I’ve found that my Firday mornings consistently consist of a 4-hour long search for the newest episode I missed the night before because of poker followed by 22 or so minutes of laughter. Don’t know why I told you this, but I think it’s important you have a firm grasp of what I do.
One last link. (It's worth it) I think it warrants mentioning that Jared Fogle was a porn-rental-king-pin. Bill Simmons once said that one thing guys should never do is borrow porn. He never mentioned renting. I can’t imagine being in college and…
Just think about that. There’s this huge load (sorry) of a man – Jared Fogel who rents his porn collection out for a dollar a pop. (sorry) I mean, the guy was huge. How do you start renting your porn collection? Do you first become known as the guy with the huge porn collection and go from there? How long was the average rental? I…have to stop thinking about this.
Notice the synergy in the Girl Next Door and the Jared Fogel story? Completely unintentional, yet it somehow makes it look like I know what I’m doing here. I’ve certainly come a long way from the kid who couldn’t figure out how to embed a video off YouTube.
The point is, we’re (I’m) closing in on 100 posts. Maybe next week. When I hit it I’m probably going to throw a spectacular – links, pictures, original thoughts, Scarlett Johansson, Pacman and MOE. Everyone that helped me get to that momentous milestone. Anyway, enjoy the weekend and don’t be afraid to finish off those premixed Mint Juleps left over from last weekend. I’m sure they’re still good.
Worried about their financial futures, our favorite strip club patrons Pacman Jones and MOE, are mulling over their alternatives to a life in and around the NFL.
Adam: We need a plan, dog.
Here we have Miller Lite's unofficial Spokesman and his greatest accomplishment. Why Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson? Because Ashlee is mentioned further down the page and I wasn't about to put a picture of that donkey on my website. So I settled for the less ugly sister. I don't know what Joe Simpson fed those girls, but it did their bodies right. But is there anything worse in this world than a nose totally f'ing (why the fuck did I not just write "fucking" there? That's completely out of character.) up a face? Besides, any friend of Matt Leinart is a friend of mine.
On a more serious note, this might be all I get out today because I have stuff to do for my classes tonight and tomorrow. I’m very excited to be done with school for the semester. Summer vacation rules! Anyway, if you’re really bored, there’s a link in here that should keep you occupied for a little bit. Anywhooooo…
Some stuff on my MySpace! page I just changed. This stuff had previously been up for 2-plus years.
My main interest is making fun of people until they develope a complex, a lisp or in rare - yet not as rare as you'd think - cases, both. I'm quite interested in the way homeless people react to being kicked in their private parts and am currently doing a case study in my lovely "home" city of Albany. If you'd like to participate in the study here's what you do:
1. Identify homeless person - made easy by the fact that they are outside your window at 4am on garbage night looking through your trash.
2. Put on your steel-toed boots and a bathrobe - it's cold out there!
3. Grab a can (or bottle - I'm not here to tell you how to live your life!) out of the mini-fridge in the living room.
4. Go outside making the alcoholic beverage visable so that they take this as a peace offering.
5. Kick said street urchin square in the testicles...or if you're dealing with a bag woman, "the box."
6. Go back inside and reward yourself by drinking the beer in your hand.
7. Post comment on MySpace! telling me how it went.
Okay, now I wrote this about 2 years ago. That being said, I now notice that for 2 years I had a type-o on my myspace page – impressive. Apparently, 22-year-old Stephen couldn’t spell “develop.” It must have been before the days of “spell check.” Good for me.
Next thing that jumps out at me is the naked aggression (not as sexy as it sounds) towards the homeless. This was back when we lived on State Street and there were bums everywhere. I think this was after we caught one in our gated backyard and she started to say, “Mother? Daughter? Father?” over and over again. It was an overall strange experience.
Anyway, there is some real animosity there. I know I know, “that doesn’t sound like Stephen to me, he’s a pretty level headed dude who would never go on a rant about something minor that might bother him – especially homeless people picking through his trash at night.” Well, I did write that, so you’ll have to deal. I don’t remember where I wrote it or where any proof of it exists today, but I did a whole column/article/rant/IM conversation about (non-violent) things to do to bums.
Yup, here it is. Dirty Words and Other Fun Stuff was a pretty good title. The dates say it all don't they?
That was a couple years ago and as I read over it I remembered just how the bum’s truly affected my college years. I also apparently dislike Ashlee Simpson quite a bit. Yep, now it’s all coming flooding back. I was really bitter in those days.
If you don’t get lost in the old blog, here are my favorite movies as noted on my MySpace page:
Rollerball, Gigli, Cold Harvest, U.S. Seals, Carpool, Baby's Day Out, Mr. Nanny, and anything with motorcycles. If you want to see a listing of my favorite films chronologically, go to IMDB.com and search for Cedric the Entertainer. I'm also a big fan of The Fast and The Furious Trilogy. I know what you're thinking, weren't there only two of those? Well, I have faith in Hollywood that they won't let a heaping pile of super-de-fucking-duper film franchise not complete a trilogy for maximum box-set sales potential.
How good am I? I predicted Tokyo Drift. I’m not sure if I should be proud of that. Nope, I shouldn’t.
I remember seeing Rollerball in the theater. What a time that was. Then after I saw it I gave a speech in my public speaking class on just how bad it was. It was only supposed to be a minute speech or something like that, but I think I ended up going on about it for 5 minutes. Anyone that's taken a public speaking class knows that you never run over - you're always just trying to get done. Not me.
Believe it or not I would go on and on in my class about the dumbest stuff. The one time I didn’t go over time was when we were supposed to do an educational speech. I gave mine on sneezing. I had nothing. I talked for approximately 40 seconds, said “I’ve got nothing” and sat down. My teacher laughed and told me I could have another week to prepare.
For my “How To” speech I explained how to give a speech. Man I gave some dumb speeches. That was a great class. There’s nothing better than being in a class where the teacher loves you and you can do whatever you want. I’m pretty sure I did a speech where I wore a sombrero. God knows where the fuck I got a sombrero. Man I wish I had those train wrecks on video.
Now here I am having a conversation with Lauren about the Olsen twins. I think they’re too skinny while she just thinks they’re annoying. I’m not sure if either of us are wrong. Remember when everybody was counting down the days until they turned 18. Yeah, now what? Now they are officially “former child stars” – who gives a fuck? They have more money than God.
They’re the only people who could have given Clemens more money. That’s right, I’m of the opinion that the Olsen Twins should have singed Roger Clemens. They’d have just as much a chance at winning the World Series as the Yankees and probably have a better bullpen.
I think the Olson twins were a bigger letdown than Y2K in terms of hype. One got anorexic and one went to rehab. Big f’n (again the abbreviated version of the word fuck?) deal. Think either of them will ever have an actual film role? I doubt it. They’re just a couple more assholes who need a sandwich. Fuck bums. We need to get nourishment to the girls who are potentially hot, but aren’t because they’re too skinny. Our girl Lindsay can be the first cause and that’s a charity even the bums can get behind.
I know I know. It’s late. I was busy bludgeoning myself with a tire iron trying to ignore all the Clemens is a Yankee talk spewing about. Clemens, a known steroid user (just as “known” as any other player, but swept under the media’s rug) has signed a contract worth 4.5 million dollars a month with the Yankee’s Evil Empire. This pushes their payroll to approximately 75 metric fucktons of gold doubloons.