Happy Friday! Preakness Edition

Today is an off day. I worked hand-in-hand with God, Jesus and a bunch of Christians (not Summers) this week, so I earned a Friday off. Hopefully my day will consist of playing basketball, cooking chicken, drinking beers and maybe (just maybe) a trip to OTB. (Preakness tomorrow)

Before I jump into any ruminations, I thought I’d mention that I’ve been getting a lot of visits from people Googling Tila Tequila, the small Asian girl with a “singing” career. I’ll spare you links, but I’m thinking about just turning this into a Tila Tequila fan site to ensure the continued growth of the blog. No more sports. No more television. Just a tiny Asian girl.

I do have to pass on this story I picked up at With Leather: It’s the story of Dock Ellis a pitcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates who apparently dropped…ah I’ll let you read it for yourself.

Between that and the cop who thought he was dead from eating brownies, it was a pretty fucking good week for drug related stories on this site, eh? (detecting united Canadian accent)

Huge night for the NBA. The Suns have to (need to) win tonight or it’s over and a lot of people could stop watching the Playoffs based on the Amare/Diaw suspensions.

In a non-basketball related story the Cavs have a(nother) chance to close out the Nets tonight.

Excellent episode of The Office last night. Pam has really showed something these last two episodes. It’s like a young player exploding in the Playoffs. Hopefully next season she will live up to the huge expectations.

Continuing with The Office sports analogies, how about Jan last night? She wasn’t getting the job done so she turned to performance enhancers. Just funny stuff.

Also, one of the great break-ups in television history. (I didn’t say who so calm the fuck down if you haven’t seen it yet)

Did I mention the second leg of the Triple Crown is tomorrow? If gambling were legal I might place some money on one of the horsies. (or more, either way)

Article from Yahoo! about The Preakness.

Here’s the money lines I found this morning. I have no predictions because you guys don’t need to see how I lose my money…

(1) Mint Slewlep 40/1
(2) Xchanger 25/1
(3) Circular Quay 9/2
(4) Curlin 7/2
(5) King of the Roxy 15/1
(6) Flying First Class 25/1
(7) Hard Spun 3/1
(8) Street Sense 5/4
(9) C P West 25/1

I guess I should congratulate Marv on his big W last night. Might I add that no one has ever played 10,4 and 9,7 so strong in consecutive hands. Anyway.

Have a good weekend. Enjoy the Cuthbert.

HOT CHEESE SOUP (Is that what we've decided on here?)

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Why haven’t they remade American Gladiators? I don’t care what day or time they show it, I’ll watch.

Somebody has to say it: Avril Lavigne is hot. I don’t care. Judge me America. (Via Best Week Ever - might I add BWE has been turning out a bunch of good items this week)

It reminds me of an exchange from Chasing Amy between Holden and Banky
Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight?
Banky: I dunno. Get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High".
Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama.
Banky: I got a weird thing for girls who say, "Aboot."

(From IMDB)

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about the Geico Caveman Commercial spin-off – the program simply known as “Caveman.” Personally, I think this is the dumbest idea for a television show since According To Jim – and I love the caveman commercials! The one where they’re having a party and they’re out on the balcony having a serious conversation…well every time that third caveman comes out and says, “Tina’s here...” Ah just watch it for yourself.

I stayed up until almost 1:30 last night watching the Suns/Spurs game only to have my spirit crushed when the Suns ran out of gas. The suspension of Stoudemire and Diaw has seriously tainted the entirety of the Playoffs. I won’t try to write anything about that because Bill Simmons wrote one of his best pieces in recent memory about it.

LeBron, on the other hand, was disappointing in a whole other way. I know he can do what he wants, when he wants, so why doesn’t he do it?

LOST on the other hand…seemed like a 15 minute episode. I was sitting in my recliner yelling at the television at 11pm again. 2 (TWO!) hours next week. I can’t wait and don’t want it to come at the same time.

But before we get to the end of season 3 of LOST…

As we all know, tonight is the BIG night. The Season Finale of The Office, the best comedy on television. It’s a full hour! One thing I should mention is that Jenna Fischer (Pam) fell down some stairs and broke 4 bones in her back yesterday. If I were single, I would throw my hat in the ring to nurse her to health. I would personally wish her a quick and full recovery, but I don’t actually know her. So that would be pointless. (E! Oline)

If you’ve missed The Office this year, here’s a link. There will probably be some dead links there, but some is better than none I’ve always said.

Anyone feel like playing poker?

Brady Quinn Fight Club: Operation: Wedding Cake Eaters

Recently, Brady Quinn's sister married her long-time boyfriend A.J. Hawk (LB, Green Bay Packers) and Brady was one of the groomsmen. Cousins of Ron Mexico was there to see first-hand what was going on behind the pictures.


Brady: Okay boys! Yeah! Did anyone remember the Maroon 5 CD’s?

Thurston: I’ve got them B-Quiz!

Brady: Alright, pop that baby in and let’s get a good stretch on. This is my sister’s wedding and we’re going to dance the f’n night away boys!

Josh: Okay, Brades, but what about working out? I mean, yeah, dancing is fun, but are we going to have time to work on our pecks?

Thurston: Yeah, Brady, my glutes aren’t going to kick their own asses today. You know what I mean?

Brady: Fellas, come on! You’re talking to Bro-Quizzle here. Don’t worry about getting ripped. Sure I already did 4 sets of leg work today before I had my shirt taken in to really show off the ‘cepts, but I took care of my boys! I made sure there’s a Bow-Flex set up in a room down the hall from the reception. I also stashed a couple free-weights in the Men’s Room at the church in case we get bored.

Thurston: Nice, Bro-Quiz!

Thurston: Yeah, Brades, that’s tight man. I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to tone myself today.

Brady: Dudes, don’t worry, besides, I think you’re forgetting that dancing is excellent for cardio!

*A.J. Hawk and his best man Rick walk in*

A.J.: What the fuck are you queers doing?

Rick: Looks like an N*SYNC reunion in here.

Brady: Oh, hey A.J. Hey Rick. What’s up guys?

Rick: Just came to see what you fruitcups were up to.

Brady: The guys and I were just going over the finer points of the Run-n-Shoot offense…you know. Eric Metcalf, Jerry Glanville…that kind of stuff.

Thurston: Yeah, we love touchdowns.

A.J.: Jesus Christ, what is that fucking noise?

Josh: Oh, that’s uh, Maroon 5.

Brady: Sorry man, we’re just listening to this because uh…Tom was telling us what his song with his girlfriend is.

A.J.: *rolling eyes* Whatever man. Just try to keep your little friends under control today. I don’t know what I agreed to let you bring two of your golf buddies instead of a date like a regular guy.

Rick: Probably, so he’d have someone to dance with.

Brady: Shut up Rick. I told you that Samantha is Irish and would be super busy today.

A.J.: Look man. Just try to be cool today. It’s your sisters fucking wedding.

Brady: I know man. It means the world to me.

Thurston: I cannot wait to cut loose tonight!

*A.J. Hawk shrugs his shoulders and he and Rick leave. Brady’s mother walks in*

Brady’s Mom: Hi, sweetie! You look so handsome!

Brady: *blushing* Thanks mom.

Brady’s Mom: Oh, those bride’s maids are going to be fighting over you today! Laura has some real cute friends!

Brady: *rolling eyes* Ah, come on Mom. You’re embarrassing me in front of the guys.

Brady’s Mom: Oh, don’t be ridiculous! What a wonderful day. And I get to be walked down the aisle by my son, the future number 1 draft pick in the NFL!

Brady: MOM! Come on! Stop it! You don’t know that!

Brady’s Mom: Okay, okay, Brady. Don’t get yourself all worked up. I’ll see you in a few minutes at line-up. Bye sweetie.

*Brady’s mother leaves.*

Brady: I thought she’d never leave!

Thurston: God, it sucks so much that your parents are pushing you into the NFL.

Josh: I know! You should be able to move to New York, like you want. Maybe you’ll get drafted by that green team.

Brady: No, guys. That’s just a dream. I’m probably going to end up with the Raiders. At least that’s near Hollywood…

At this point the wedding planner rushes in and grabs Brady to join the line to walk the aisle. Thurston and Josh find their seats.


Brady’s Mom: *tearing up* Oh, Brady, I’m so happy today. I can’t believe Laura is already getting married.

Brady: God, Mom. Get over it…I mean, It’s okay Mom, don’t cry.

Brady’s Mom: I know baby, but…oh I don’t know. I just hope you find a special lady soon. You just never seem to have any luck with women.

*Rick is standing in front of them rolling his eyes*

Brady: Don’t worry about me, Mom. I’m already happy.

*The music starts and the wedding party starts to file in*

Brady’s Mom: Ooh, look at her, Brady. And her! There are so many beautiful girls here.

Brady: Okay, Mom. I get it. *Spots Thurston and Josh* Look, Mom, there are my friends! *Waves*

Brady’s Mom: Oh, Brady. You and those boys. You’ve been inseparable since you went away to college. I’ve never seen boys your age have so many sleepovers.

Brady: We just like hanging out and talking football Mom.

Brady’s Mom: I know you do, baby, but Rick and A.J. say they never do that.

Brady: Well A.J. and Rick aren’t comfortable with themselves, Mom.

Brady’s Mom: Comfortable? What do you mean, hun?

Brady: Nothing Mom. Let’s just keep walking *notices a video camera* Oh, look a video camera. I hope my cheekbones are standing out in this light. I told Laura we should get some studio lighting in here in case somebody had a camera phone, but she never listens. I better turn my head so that they can see my entire face. Got to give the people what they want, right?

Brady’s Mom: Oh, Brady. Listen to you. The things you say! *They arrive at the end of the aisle* Now, remember to stand up strai…just remember to smile, baby.

Brady: Okay, Mom. I love you.

The wedding is beautiful. A.J. and Laura exchange their vows, people cry, throw rice and...end scene. Later at the reception, Brady gives a toast.

Brady: Hey, everybody. Thanks for coming. When I introduced A.J. and Laura 6 years ago, I did it because I wanted them both to be happy.

A.J.: *quietly to Laura* He had nothing to do with us meeting. What is he talking about?

Laura: Don’t worry, you know how he gets when there are cameras around.

Brady: Anyway, I remember when I first met A.J. – or Apple Juice as I like to call him. *Waits for laughter – is none* Anyway, A.J. was all into working out and stuff and I only did like a couple hundred reps a day back then, you know, just to stay fit…where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Laura, looked real pretty today. She’s the kind of bride I always wanted to be…I mean marry. Not that I’d marry a gir…my sister. I wouldn’t marry my sister. Anyway, I’m just looking forward to being an uncle so I can buy my nieces and nephews cute clothes and… teach them to throw a football. Anyway, I don’t want to take away from the new couple so I’ll just say that I love them both and, well, I have a pretty big surprise for them. So I’ll turn it over to Rick to take you home while the guys and I go get changed.

Brady drops the mic and runs out of the room. Rick walks over and picks up the mic.

Rick: Look, I don’t know what that fruit was babbling about, but I just wanted to say how happy I am that my boy, A.J. found a lady that was worthy of him. I remember Freshman year when we were hitting so many bitches I seriously thought my dick was going to fall off. Anyway, Laura came along and all that changed. Hawk got serious and told almost all his booty calls that it was over. Guy even turned a couple of them onto me. Let me tell you, if you’re a linebacker at Ohio State, you pull more tail than a mischievous monkey. I remember this one time that we were headed to this sorority house. It was like 4 in the morning and we’d each had about a liter of Jack whe…

All of a sudden music starts blaring.

Laura: Oh. My. God.

Rick: What. The. Fuck.

A.J.: I can’t believe he’s doing this on our wedding night!

Laura: Oh, A.J., we just have to let Brady be Brady. You should join him so everyone doesn’t judge like at the family reunion last summer.

A.J.: He sat next to the pool all afternoon in a speed-o doing arm curls! What was everyone supposed to do? I tried to give him a robe.

Laura: I know, but look at him. He looks so happy. All he wants to do is dance.

Rick: Let’s kick his ass, man. That would complete the wedding.

A.J.: No man, not on Laura’s day.

Laura: You mean it, A.J.? You won’t beat up Brady again?

A.J.: Not if you don’t want me to honey.

Laura: Oh, A.J.! I love you so much!

A.J.: In fact, I’ll even dance with him. He’s deserves to have fun today too.

Laura: *Looking into A.J.’s eyes* You have no idea how happy you’ve made me and my sist..brother.

A.J.: I know, baby. Now excuse me while I try to look as gay as possible on the day where I’m proving just how not gay I actually am.

Thurston: *running by, dressed as a cowboy* You go girl! *slaps A.J. on the ass*

A.J.: Him on the other hand, he’s getting his ass kicked. Hey Rick.

Rick: Yeah, Hawkster?

A.J.: First, we dress like assholes, dance around a little bit, then we’re going to stick Thurston’s head in a toilet.

Rick: Sounds good buddy. Just promise me there won’t be any pictures of this.

A.J.: Don’t worry man. What’s the worst that could happen? *click*

I first saw these pictures on The Big Lead, then Deadspin, then With Leather and I assume they are everywhere else on the internet buy now. I just want to mention that I thank Lemmy everyday that Brady Quinn is in all of our lives. It's like if Pacman Jones and Michael Vick had a child and the child had every characteristic they do and the child made every bad decision possible. Then take that child and think of the exact opposite and give it a bottle of hair gel and a gym membership. That my friends, is Brady Quinn.

MAXIM'S HOT 100 (THAT'S A LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERS!)

MAXIM just released their 8th annual HOT 100 List.

Obviuosly I’m going to have a couple problems with it. So I’m going to walk you through my first (of multiple, I promise) viewings. See if you agree.

(Before I get started, let me just say that if Rachel Ray or Sandra Oh show up here in anyway, I’m closing the browser and bashing my head against the wall for an hour.)

Without further ado!

#97 – Kim Kardashian

Reggie Bush is hitting the 97th most attractive female alive? I’m sorry, those numbers just don’t add up.

#95 – Second Life Girl
That’s right. Maxim has named a computer generated woman to a list of hot women.

#89 – Haylie Duff

….thinking….okay I guess?


#80 – Abbie Cornish
Who the fuck is Abbie Cornish and why is she wearing a sweater? Apparently she broke up Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe. Who gives a fuck? Did they have the girl from the Colorado Hotel last year?


#69 – Danica Patrick
Sorry, no. Yeah, I get it. She’s drives a car, she’s not hideous. Therefor she's hot right? Wrong. Nobody gives a shit about Danica Patrick. Move on.


#65 – Autumn Reeser
Have I mentioned that The O.C. has reruns on the SOAP channel every night at 6? Then American Gladiators is on ESPN Classic at 7? What a great evening.


#58 – Penelope Cruz
I don’t know. She just doesn’t do it for me. I always equate her with her character towards the end of BLOW.


#55 – Halle Berry
No, I refuse to believe that Halle Berry is that low. I might stop reading this.

Nah, probably not.


#52 – Kate Walsh
Who? Oh, she’s on Grey’s Anatomy? Why the fuck do I care? Did the MAXIM staff just come up with this list my flipping through a TV Guide?

#41 – Jessica Simpson
What? #41? What’s going on here. I thought it was universally accepted that Jessica Simpson was the balls? Let me guess, next you’ll tell me Ashlee is on the list and higher.

#40 – Moon Bloodgood
Who made this list? Great name, but this is a HOT list…get rid of her.


#37 – Ashley Olsen
First of all, we (I) covered this last week. Second of all, you’re going to start separating them? Really, MAXIM? This is the decision you’ve come to? Ashley Olsen is the 37th hottest female alive this year and her twin (read: TWIN) sister doesn’t make the list? MAXIM doesn’t like coke I guess. Elitists.


#29 – Sarah Silverman
Look, I love Sarah Silverman. She’s hilarious, and cute, but if you think I’m taking her over some of the girls lower down on this list, you’re fucking insane.


#26 – Nelly Furtado
No.


#25 – Elisha Cuthbert
TWENTY-FIVE? (Covered this last week too.) Let’s play a game. Take the name of anyone higher on the list than Elisha and say “*blank* is hotter than Elisha Cuthbert” with a straight face.


#23 Hilary Duff
No, but yeah, but no. She’s dating one of the Madden brothers. Even though the DJ on 103.1 told me that it’s cool to like Good Charlotte again, I just question this decision. I'm sorry the entire list has been tainted now that I've seen where Elisha is.


#16 – Ashlee Simpson
No. No. No. No. NO. What is going on here?


#10 – Fergie
Who the fuck is in charge here? Seriously, we need to take some names.


#9 – Eva Longoria
You’re going to tell me that Tony Parker is marrying a hotter woman than Reggie Bush is banging? Not on his best day.


#7 – Eva Mendes
*crickets*


#6-#2 - Deserving. Some more than others. What can you do?


#1 – Lindsay Lohan
Where am I? What year is this? Was Tara Reid #2? Where’s Britney?

Seriously though, I feel like we may be honoring her for past work.

Let me ask you this: If LeBron shoots 30 percent from the floor next year, scores 18 a game, the Cavs win 22 games and miss the Playoffs...does LeBron win the MVP?

As for the *blank* is hotter than Elisha Cuthbert-game, I’ve got Christina Aguilera, Kate Beckinsale, Angelina Jolie and (obviously) Scarlett Johansson in the same league. I’m not going to tell you how long I spent on this, but let me say it was one of the most fun to research posts…ever…in the history of the internet. Maybe I should apply to MAXIM.

Anyway, here are some notable no-shows on this year’s list:

Anna Kournikova - I need not explain myself to you.

Paris Hilton – not that she should be there, but isn’t she usually top 10? Jail isn’t sexy anymore?

Kristen Cavallari – We couldn’t knock somebody out to make room for Kristen? If she’s good enough for Nick Lachey, she’s good enough to be somewhere in the 90’s.

Shannon Elizabeth – American Pie should have solidified her spot in the top-20 until she’s 40.

Jennifer Love Hewitt – No excuse. None.

Leah Remini – For Stacy Carosi alone…

Jennifer Lopez – Has she gone Anchorman on us?

NBC’s Thursday Night Line-Up starting with:

Jenna Fischer – Come on! It’s Pam! (I’m not even going to bring up Karen from behind.)
Then there’s Jamie Presley, Sarah Chalke, Katrina Bowden and Rashida Jones… the list goes on.
If I've left anyone deserving out (of course I have) feel free to leave it in the comments.

Ohyeah, sorry for wasting your afternoons fellas.

Somebody's The Best At Blowing Up Inflatable Sheep

First up, it's raining. It's just pouring. Thunder. Lightening. All that shit. It's straight up Biblical. I'm afraid that at any moment there is going to be a big crashing sound and my computer is going to blow the fuck up. Yet, I blog. Not for any overly important purpose, but to make Kyle feel good about himself. He asked tonight if he could someday be a part of the blog.

Obviously my immediate answer was, “Yes! Of course you can. I have a picture of you blowing up the sheep!”

That’s right folks. The inflatable sheep was inflated by none other than…Kyle. So if you see this man out on the town, buy him a beer. He’s going to need it. Because he might be headed home to the Inflatable English Sheep. While many a sick man might think about fucking this novelty item, only one actually gave it oral. So enjoy a Bud Heavy my friend. You have been blogged.

When I Jump The Shark I Hope You Plug My Nose

I have a mini-rant about the quality of The Sopranos below, but I won’t bore anyone with that until the end. Of course, there's also a picture of Meadow Soprano down there too, so don't be so quick to judge. As for now, here’s one of the greatest YouTube videos ever. That’s right - it’s good enough to embed. Watch. And if you’re at work and can’t watch it, I’m sorry.


(Via Best Week Ever)

At first (probably much like you) I was thinking “This is just kind of gay.” Then boom! This is so great I have a hard time believing it’s real. Kind of like the police officer stoned off pot brownies who calls 911. (From Vinny via Joe. I saw it on Deadspin the day before, but you have to take care of your friends) It was just too funny to believe. I didn’t completely believe it was real until I heard Free Beer and Hot Wings play it. (Oh, I suppose you get your credible information from newspapers, right, Rockefeller?)

Anyway, orginially when I was watching the video I was all like, “Is that guy dancing to Fergie? What the fuck is wrong with people?” Then I’m all like “Holy shit!” Then I laughed like I was eating the brownies with Officer Sanchez.

Since The Sopranos is at the end of their death rattle…Final Season, I thought I should pay tribute to Jamie-Lynn (always Sigler) DiScala who turns 26 today. Oh, Meadow Soprano, how little we knew ye. Meadow was always a bright spot in The Sopranos, even when they didn’t need them. What do I remember about the first half-run of the final season of The Sopranos? Meadow dancing in her underwear for Finn. What else do I remember? Umm…

Well, I already being angry during the first season of The Sopranos. Why was I mad when the show was so good? Because David Chase decided to put his daughter in the cast as Meadow’s BFF. And Lemmy, was this girl ugly. Anyone who watched early Sopranos with me will remember my hate filled tirades against Meadows friend Hunter. I don’t know why she upset me so. It’s probably that Ashlee Simpson thing all over again – whatever that was.


Anyway, I think it’s just horrible – despicable even – that HBO did this to one of the greatest television series ever. The Sopranos changed television. And all reports say that this wasn’t the way David Chase wanted The Sopranos to go out. Unfortunately HBO got their way and another 2 seasons were made. The final umpteen episodes having the same amount of good material as 3 early episodes. Now we're at a point where someone should hold the nose of The Sopranos while the show chokes on it's own blood.

This is why I was glad when Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cruse announced the planned end of LOST in 2010. We’ll finally get an ending to a genius show the way the creators wanted. It’s just too bad this couldn’t happen for Tony Soprano.

It’s almost unbelievable how that announcement came in the middle of the final batch of episodes The Sopranos. LOST and The Sopranos are the two shows that make me angry each week – for opposite reasons.

Every Sunday around 10pm Mike and I are incensed about pathetic The Sopranos was. We sit there and waste a full hour of our week. We don’t need bad episodes of good TV shows to waste time. We’d rather watch bad episodes of bad television.

LOST on the other hand makes my heart hurt because it’s so good. (Did that sound gay?) Every week I sit in my recliner Keystone in hand with my mouth agape at how good LOST is. I pray for it to not end. This is the way you used to feel watching The Sopranos. And it’s just too bad.

Now there are 3 episodes of The Sopranos left (ever) and 2 episodes of LOST (for the season) left and I don't know how to feel. I just know I'm going to be mad as hell in a couple of weeks - but at least I’ll never have to see David Chase’s daughter again.

You Say You've Never Played? Pull Up A Chair!

So Friday night Marvin, Pat and I went to a poker game at one of Pat’s friend’s house. The last time I went there I won some money and drank some Coors Light. It was good times all around. It was a weird night, but the money made me push the weirdness aside for a minute and enjoy the cold rocky mountain flavor. (Click here if you want my brief recap of that night)

But this time, the absurdity spiraled out of control.

The set-up:

Marv called me at 6:30 and asked if I wanted to play in the same 20 dollar card game I had enjoyed a couple weeks before. Since I had sprained my ankle earlier in the day, I wasn’t about to do much else. Also, I like poker. Don’t know if I ever mentioned it.

Anyway, Pat, Marv and I (driving our separate cars – environment and gas prices be damned, not one of us is waiting around after busting out for the other two assholes) roll up to the house in West Sand Lake at 8pm. (schedules start time: 8pm) We are the first ones there.

In the garage, the owner (We’ll call him Mike – that’s his name) is sitting counting out chips. His two sons are recklessly driving their small electric cars around in a circle of death. (Think Power Wheels except one is a replica John Deere lawn mower.) I’m terrified for my ankle as I’m moving around like Curt Schilling in game 6. The kids are 5 and 2.

More people start to arrive at 8:30 – all family. (Scheduled start time: 8pm.) Turns out we’re at a birthday party. That’s right folks, it’s a children’s birthday party-slash-card game. We’re talking grandparents, a couple small cousins, cake, ice cream – the whole shebang.

So as the family and Pat go in to sing happy birthday, Marv and I sit in the garage sipping Micelobe Lights left over from the party of a week before wondering what the proper etiquette is for a child’s birthday when we don’t know them. We decided to sit in the garage and draw high cards.

After the birthday festivities died down around 9 (Scheduled start time: 8pm) it was time to play cards. Luckily they only wanted to play a 10 dollar game that night because ladies and gentlemen, “clusterfuck” does not begin to do this story justice.

We start out – 2 tables, 12 players. Me, Marv, Mike and his wife at our table along with a guy named Steve (Hey, that’s your name, Dude.) who had never played before, and a 16 year-old high school girl.

The other table consisted of Pat, 3 grandparents, (including the old guy who came in third last time despite the inability to form complete sentences.) and another couple. My memory is a little hazy about the other table because I was in so much shock at my table I couldn’t pay that much attention to the other side of the garage.

Anywho, we played and things started well enough. Nobody was down, nobody was out through the first hour or so when we went to take a break. However, there were some “issues” during this first session. For example:

The 16 year old girl is in a hand with one of her relatives and Marv, I believe. 3 Aces on board along with a draw towards Main Street. Betting ends, (nobody is all-in or anything major like that) and the 16 year old (wearing a Class of ’09 t-shirt) sheepishly turns over the case Ace. (Quads! Yippee!) As we all stare slack-jawed at the greatest hand any of us could ever begin to imagine, she asks, if there should be two Aces of Spades.

At this point the adults at the table (those of us who can vote and buy lottery tickets) decide that, no, there should not in fact be two Aces of Spades. Even though it was a dollar deck from the Family Dollar, there should only be 1 Ace of Spades – it’s what makes Kyle singing like Lemmy all the more special after all. We then decide we should count the cards and see if there are any other over sights.

Nope, it was just your regular run-of-the-mill deck featuring 5 Aces. (And you thought quads were impressive!) I quickly ran through my head to see if I had taken any big losses involving Aces (nope) and we decided never to speak of the mystery 5th Ace again.

Also, I’d like to mention that Aces are like God and Lemmy, you always capitalize. (Trick question!)

One more interesting tidbit, Pat also had quad Aces at the other table during that session and the answer is no. The other deck was fine.

During the break we were treated to more snacks like the last time. Pigs in a blanket included. Life was good. Of course, while we were enjoying our food and stretching our legs one of the mothers changed her infant on the poker table Marv and I were playing at. I know we vowed never to mention this again, but it definitely warrants mentioning that we were playing on an Official World Poker Tour Changing Table at this point.

After the break was up, Marv and I sat back down and edged away from Ground Zero. During this second session, I guess at the other table one of the guys went out and then took over his wife’s chips. Pat went out soon after and was never heard from again. (I told you none of us wanted to wait around for the jerks who hadn’t been considerate enough to loose their chips faster.)

Also during this portion of our tourney style game, Steve (Not me, him) decided he had to go and didn’t want to play anymore. So he left his chips and his 10 dollars and went home with his wife who had been charged with watching the 4 (or 5, they were running into things so fast I couldn’t count them) children while the men, grandparents and high schoolers player poker. This brought the kid count down to 2 (I think). Did I mention it was around 11pm at this point? Okay, just thought I’d let you know.

Anyway, with an open seat with chips in front of it, we’re not just going to blind it off, no. Wait for it.

The 5-year-old sat in.

Read that again.

Let that wash over you.

Again.

The 5-year-old sat in.

You got that? Okay, back to the story!

Michael was a loose player. He never saw 2 cards he didn’t like and never heard of a flop that wasn’t worth taking a look at. He was a lot like Gus Hansen in that respect, but I digress.

Know that I’m serious when I say you haven’t lived until you’ve been sucked out by a 5-year-old. But don’t think he didn’t take bad beats too. Marv put one on him he wouldn’t soon forget – if he weren’t still developing his cognitive memory skills.

Anyway, after we (or one of his parents more likely) dismissed the child to bed (almost midnight) and told the teen to go listen to her Britney Spears records (isn’t that what the kids are into these days?) it was on to the final table of….drum roll please…Thank you Nick Cannon….

Grandfather #1 (grab me a beer), Grandfather #2 (grab me one too), Grandma, Mike and his wife, Marv and myself. As we started up our third and final session, Grandfather #2 had decided he didn’t want to play anymore so his daughter (I think?) took over for him despite the fact that she was knocked out earlier.

At this point, I think I had blacked out from the amateurism in the air (Phil Helmuth’s head would have exploded as soon as he pulled into the driveway.) and barely recall going all-in with a J,6 of diamonds. I was called by my good buddy Grandfather #1 who was still intelligible at this point and taken down with by his KQ. Had I just sat still for another 15 minutes I probably would have finished in the money instead of 5th place.

I’ll spare you the harrowing details of Marv’s big win, but I will say if I ever want to see that many old people beaten that badly, I’ll have to visit a retirement home. What more can I say?

Lemmy, do I love gambling.

Will there be more footage of Reggie Bush scoring?

Today has been a – let’s say strange – day. I spent all morning listening to people say “Jesus Christ” and not one of them were pissed about anything. That’s right people, the religious ones were here at my little school and I ended up going to a church service in a college gymnasium on a Monday morning. (Is this was it’s like to be Catholic?)

I don’t know how to describe my experience this morning. Wait. Yes I do – fucking boring. Worst part? No internet. (Loser alert!) Seriously. Anyway, I spent the afternoon Deadspinning (did you know Anchorman is so over?) and surfing the rest of the interwebs, so now I’m all caught up. From Pacamn’s latest run-in with the law, to Reggie Bush hitting the dime-piece that is Kim Kardashian. (She’s been hit more than David Carr) Sure she’s a filthy dime-piece with a sex-tape out with some third (or fourth) rate rapper who sports fake breasts and…I got lost there, sorry. What was my point? Oh yeah, Reggie Bush is filthy on the football field, and now off.

In addition to Anchorman quotes being deemed “over” another favorite website decided to kill certain lines from The 40-Year Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, Borat and Talladega Nights. I won’t mention the Meet The Parents (shit) because I’ve never intentionally quote either of those movies. (I thought Mike’s last name was Focker originally – swear to God)

I’ll give you a quote from each of those movies that you can use more until they become overused and you can go back to the originals.

The 40-Year Old Virgin:

Andy: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well you know, nine dollar beer night.

You can never go wrong with a Paul Rudd quote. Never. Ever.

Here’s two from Talladega Nights, both from Will Ferrell:

I've sent in my application to the Real World. So I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, "hey, what's up guys? Want some crack?" I'm just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.

And a shorter one:

Hi. I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you.

Vince Vaughn:
Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.

Will Ferrell: MOM! MEATLOAF!

Finally, from Borat, a great opportunity to quote the movie is in the middle of a car ride where your friends have no escape and you and one other friend go into the old:

What is this?
That’s cheese.
And what is this?
That’s cheese too.
Yes, and what is this?
That’s cheese.
What is this?
That’s also cheese.
This cannot be cheese?

It can go on for as long as the car ride. Enjoy.

(Quotes lifted from IMDB. Everything else from the usual suspects.)

Today (Monday) Sucks. That is all.

It's going to be a long morning. There are religious nuts on campus today and I'll be working hand-in-(NIN through the)hand with them. Oh joy! Hopefully something later about my misery of this morning. No promises.

Here's a picture of Joe Namath looking like Barry Badrinath. (Deadspin)

UPDATE: Where the fuck was MOE during all this? He knows Pacman shouldn't be driving! (With Leather)