Just thought I’d weight in on exactly how pussy the Yankee organization is being this weekend not throwing Clemens to the wolv…Red Sox.
Let me get this straight? You have committed 28 million dollars over the next 4 months to Clemens and you’re not going to have him pitch in what could be the absolute make-or-break series of your season? I mean the season is almost 1/3 of the way over with! If you’re going to make up 13 and a half fucking games you better start now. And if you even want to begin to justify the absurd amount of money that was spent on Clemens you better throw him out there instead of waiting one extra day for the sub-500 Chicago White Sox.
Maybe that ‘s it. The Yanks are only 3 games behind the White Sox for sixth (6th!) place in the Wild Card standings. I guess that’s more important than trying to catch the division rival who has been absolutely owning you ass through the first third of the season.
I mean, I guess it’s not that far of a stretch to think that Steinbrenner - the guy who said, “Yeah, we need a 45-year-old out of shape steroid guy” - would get the White and Red Sox confused.
Just to put you in the right state of mind for this show of chicken-shit-ism this weekend by the Yankee organization, here’s a look back at the ray of hope Clemens gave New York a month ago before he went on his tear(!) of the minor leagues. (Embedding not allowed by douchey YES Network)
Wait. His kid is a sculptor?
Children‘s Folk Hero Roger Clemens Son: Wait to out me, DAD!
I love how he says he’s coming back to do the only thing they know how to do in NY: (No, not bang super models or mannish strippers) To win a championship. “Anything else is a failure” What more can be said?
Well, one final note I guess. I hope Rocket leaves the Misses at home because she looks like she might be manly enough for a certain New York Third Baseman - and I’m not talking about David Wright.
Just know that if the Red Sox get 2 of 3 this weekend The Rocket will be seeing White, but Yankee fans will be seeing Red.
Friday, June 01, 2007
You Kids Go Ahead and Play...Grandpa's Going To Sit This One Out
What is this? 1999?
Thought I would share this with you guys. It’s the least impressive thing ever on MySpace – and that’s saying a lot. You see I look at MP3.com and MySpace for streaming albums. I like to hear what the young kids are listening to so I can stay informed and be hip if I ever find myself waiting for a bus outside a Fall Out Boy concert. These are the things that are important to me.
I would provide the link to this album stream, but that would require me actually visiting that site which I don’t want to do. Besides, I don’t want to be responsible for anyone listing to Marilyn Manson if it’s not 1998.
His new video is basically him fucking his current girlfriend, 19-year-old Evan Rachel Wood on camera with bad lighting. It’s like the Paris Hilton sex tape but with two people that currently matter less to pop culture than Paris Hilton and Rick Salomon.
I just don’t get it. Manson has had Rose McGowan (Maxim Hot
The letdown from McGowan and Von Teese to Wood is…well, let’s say you can’t recover from that. He should just follow his lyrics and kill himself. (That’s what he sings about right?) Manson hasn’t been relevant since Columbine and even then he wasn’t actually relevant.
I don’t know how I got so angry writing this. Seriously, the first time I saw that picture on MySpace, I laughed. The very idea that anyone would still buy a Marilyn Manson album is beyond ridiculous. It’s like how radio stations still play Korn. What the fuck is up with that? I just don’t get it.
Ugh, just thinking about this shitty music makes my head hurt. By the way, I wouldn’t Google Dita Von Teese if you’re at work – unless you work for Vivid Video – then by all means…
LeBron James Loves This City
Put Your Hands Up!
Put Your Hands Up 4 Detroit!
Obviously, LeBron was amazing last night. He had me on the edge of my seat rooting for him. And it was fun. The weird thing is, this series should be over. If Donyell Marshall hits that 3 at the end of game 1 or the refs hadn’t swallowed their whistles in game 2, this series is over. Hell, if
Thank God, he did though. Because if the Cavs hadn’t had any problems with the Pistons – if they had swept them, exposing them as just another Eastern Conference team – then we wouldn’t have been treated to this version of LeBron. This killer. It’s going to be thrown around a lot, but it’s true when someone says he was Jordanesque.
Some of those shots…man. No business. No business at all. That pull up jumper from 20 feet in the middle of a triple team? SICK. The 3 near the end of double overtime to tie the game over the double? DISGUSTING. And the way he got the baskets at the end of regulation? Two dunks in a row right at one of the best defensive teams in the NBA? The way he elevates is just retarded.
Here’s the two dunks. The first one is indescribably nasty. Watch Tayshaun Prince come from the weak side and consider helping. Watch Tayshaun Prince realize how he’s not going to be able to do anything. Watch Tayshaun Prince run. If Prince had committed to helping in that situation LeBron would have planted his nuts in his face. It would have been Vince Carter over Frederick Weis nasty. What I’m trying to say is that Tayshaun got the fuck out of the way. If you find better video it shows Prince actually ducking before he runs.
Oh yeah, here’s the second dunk where he goes by Prince and Rasheed Wallace backs off. Rasheed, if you look closely was covering Donyell Marshall. This is almost the same situation as game 1 where Rasheed left
I wasn’t totally convinced until I watched these plays again, but I am now – LeBron owns the Pistons. They are terrified of him. On his game winning lay-up in double overtime, he went down the middle at ALL FIVE (5)
That dunk the other night. The BIG dunk. That’s in Rasheed’s head. No doubt about it. I don’t think you’ll be getting much help defense from Rasheed on Saturday. You could stick a kid from the Make-A-Wish foundation in the corner, give him a Cleveland jersey and call him a Power Forward and Rasheed's still not leaving to help on LeBron the rest of this series.
UPDATE: Check out this picture from Deadspin - Question: Who is the only defender not converging on LeBron? Why it would be Detroit's main shot blocker, Mr. Wallace.
You might as well sell LeBron stock in the Detroit Pistons franchise, because he already owns them. I’m just praying Anderson Varejo clotheslines Bruce Bown at some point next week. And the idea of Manu Ginobilli on LeBron for a week and a half? I’m genuinely excited.
So on behalf of
Finally, the title of this post comes from an absolutely ridiculous song that Lauren and Heather discovered during their stint in England. It's got a lot of hot girls in it and the song is horrible, so it's only a matter of time before it catches on.
Oh yeah, the "artist" is some guy named Fredde Le Grande which I can only assume means "Big Freddy" which makes me laugh. From now on I'm Stefan Le Grande.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Roger Clemens Will Take Time Off His High Horse To Pitch Monday
Roger Clemens is the poster boy for all that is good and pure in this world. And that's why when he says something is bad for you - then it shall be so. At least that’s what I’ve always believed. Wu-Tang may be for the babies, but The Rocket is surely for the children.
See that? You ever hear of Nolan Ryan speaking out on this subject? No? I didn’t think so. How about Curt Schilling? No sir! He’s too busy painting his socks. I’m just glad I could bring this to my friends’ attention before they throw their lives away. I mean, if you’re a big Yankee fan, how would you feel if you met your hero, The Rocket himself and he caught you dipping? You’d probably feel like a pretty big dummy. So keep that in mind next time you consider mouth fucking Sweet Lady Lipper.
Of course, if you want to add some bulk to that scrawny little frame of yours, Rocket also has some advice for you.Children's Folk Hero Roger Clemens: Hey, Timmy!
Some Retarded Kid: Yeah Rocket?
Children's Folk Hero Roger Clemens: Want to learn how to throw a curve ball?
Some Retarded Kid: No way, Rocket! Show me how to throw the heater!
Children's Folk Hero Roger Clemens: Okay, first inject this between your toes!
Some Retarded Kid: Golly gee Rocket, I can't fit my head through the neck hole of my t-shirts anymore!
Children's Folk Hero Roger Clemens: *chuckling like a dickhead* Don't worry Timmy, you can buy all the t-shirts in Texas with 4-month, 28 million dollar contract!
Some Retarded kid: Holy pig hats, Rocket! You really think someone will give me that much money?
Children's Folk Hero Roger Clemens: They'd be stupid not to Timmy...They'd be stupid not to...
*They both laugh like maniacal assholes*
Director: And scene! Good take Roger.
Children's Folk Hero Roger Clemens: Don't talk to me pussy. Somebody get my fucking H2. I need to fly home to spend time with my children.
Director: But Roger, there's another scene we need to shoot.
Children's Folk Hero Roger Clemens: Fuck your scene. I only shoot scenes when I’m not home visiting my family that I want to spend more time with.
Children’s Folk Hero Roger Clemens: Nothing. Fuck this place. I’m out of here. *Grumbling to himself* Fucking Steinbrenner…send me someplace without paying me…I might need a couple more minor league starts…
(Anti-Chewing Video Via With Leather)
An Excerpt from A-Rod's Journal
May 31, 2007
Dear Diary,
June looks like it could be my best month ever! (I should totally be on that funny VH1 show – haha!) Man, is it good to be me. My wife is leaving me, more people than ever think I’m straight – everything’s coming up A-Rod! (Man, The Simpsons kicks ass!)
reatness. Just like they’re jealous of me. I just wish they wouldn’t be so mean sometimes. Oh well.
No big whoop. I’m a hero again. Too bad I don’t have any friends except for strippers. They’re the only ones who understand me. And it’s so fun helping them do their hair. They get to use so many more products than I do. I wish George would let me grow my hair out. I want long beautiful locks like Amber. Le sigh!
Anyway…Tonight I’m going out after the game to celebrate our win last night. I’m going to meet the girls at the club. Hopefully Tonya is working. She’s got great abs. Not as nice as Brady Quinn’s but whatever. Maybe I should call Brady? He would totally be into getting some “trim.” I’ve always wanted a dreamy wing man. I’m going to call him. See you later Diary.
Hugs and kisses! Alex
Would I Sell Out? You Know It!
I saw an ad for a short form columnist on a website this morning so I applied. The ad was looking for someone with a little humor so I thought my hat belonged in the ring. The following is the exact “cover letter” I wrote in response to their ad. I haven’t changed a thing. The only difference is I did not include a picture of Regis and Kelly in the application. Come to think of it, maybe I should have. Damn. People love Regis and Kelly. That definitely would have gotten me the gig. Anyway, the site is gradspot which (I’m just guessing) might be catered towards college graduates. I’m not sure. I don’t really have a cousin named Ron Mexico, so what the fuck can you do right? Anyway, here’s my plea to get paid for things I write.
Hello,
My name is Stephen Douglas. I’m an aspiring writer with a fulltime job as a media specialist at The College of Saint Rose, in Albany, New York. I graduated from Saint Rose in December of 2004 with a degree in Public Communications. All very exciting, I know. In the last three years I’ve been unemployed, switched apartments 3 times (going on number 4), am currently half-way through my Masters, continued to party hard (as hard as drinking cans of PBR with my roommate can be) and maintained a long term committed relationship the entire time. I also started a blog (http://cousinsofronmexico.blogspot.com) and write every day.
As for my categories of expertise, I’ll look at them each individually so you can decide for yourself.
Food & Drink: Love them both and partake daily. I’ve been known to eat some pizza and chicken wings and then drink some beers.
Q&A: Question – Could I be an advice columnist?
Answer – Yes
That answers that.
Apartment & Décor: I have one and it has a very distinctive one. As I mentioned earlier, I’m moving into my fourth apartment since graduating. Each one has been a step up while keeping the price comparable. I certainly have no complaints about that.
Dating: Uh oh. I’ve been with one girl for almost 3 years now. I went through hell pursuing her and we’ve been happy ever since. She’s been in England since October so I’ve also done the long distance thing.
Travel: Recently visited England. I’ve also been in 18 of the 50 states and Canada on multiple occasions. I’m like a male Samantha Brown.
Money: Yes, please? Been living off a meager paycheck for the last few years. Except for not having the coolest new kicks all the time, I’m pretty content with my lifestyle so I must kind of know how to use it.
Career: Have held the same job for longer than I want to think about. Somehow I’ve managed to stay employed here despite the fact that people in my office drop like shrubs in the wake of Lindsay Lohan’s car. 
Gadgets: Are you familiar with the iPod? I don’t have one, but I’m also familiar with them.
Keeping Healthy: Next.
Humor: I think humor is overrated and think that people who joke around are just trying to mask their insecurities and usually try to hard to get people to like them.
Anyway, I hope I just showed you some of my diversity. I can do it all. I’m like Regis Philbin in that regard – that and I also have trouble restraining myself around Kelly Ripa.
Now that I’ve gotten the formal part of this out of the way, here’s my 300 word writing sample.
Graduating college can be a big step in a person’s life. In the last couple of years basically everyone I know has graduated from college – including myself. After graduation we all took different paths to our new jobs. My path looked a lot like my college apartment and sounded a lot like a party.
When I graduated I quit the part-time job I was working forgetting that I didn’t have another job waiting. I had associated that job with college and I was out of college, so I should be out of that job right? Well, after 4 months of unemployment I went back to that same place for a full-time job.
I don’t want to think about what a difference 4 months of part-time paychecks would have done to my financial situation. I probably could have eaten something besides Taco Bell. Not that I would want to, of course, but the option would have been there. The main problem was that I was a Communications Major and I lived in Albany, New York which is not exactly a hotbed for the PubCom Set. In fact I don’t know if there is any major industry in Albany, besides politics and maybe the pizza places which account for approximately 35 percent of all Albany storefronts.
Since I didn’t like the idea of delivering pizza in Albany (I like my body sans stab-wounds) I sat around until the position opened up at my former employer and jumped on it. What was I supposed to do? Not, take the cake job where I can sit around all day “surfing the web” and basically goofing off? That’s the American (College Graduate) Dream!
So here I sit, 3 years later, reading about rehab, sex scandals, Pacman Jones, Shrek 3 and Oceans 15. God Bless America.
Future topic may include but are not limited to:
Me
Things I like
Pizza reviews
How to find cheap beer
Apartment hunting
Getting friends to help you move for free
Making Grandma’s Boy references in job interviews to see if this is the right employer for you
Surfing the internet at work without getting in trouble
The Glass Ceiling and You
Uploading a resume on Monster.com
The right cable package based on your salary
What your tie says about you
What your Lord of the Rings desktop says about you
What your mother says about you
Me
More stuff I like
Thanks for your time. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing this.
Stephen Douglas
Anyway, I hope I get the job because it seems like a place I could actually contribute to. We'll see. Enjoy the Stokke.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Paging Allison Stokke
What have I done today? I’ve unlocked a couple of doors, pushed play on a couple VCR’s turned on 2 computers and looked at a lot of pictures of Allison Stokke. (Rhymes with pokey) As for young Miss Stokke, I first saw her on With Leather, and I’ve neglected to post photos of her on the site because, well, I don’t know why. I guess I was busy posting pictures of other hot females. (I've also neglected to post a link to the MySpace Fan Club)
You see, young Miss Stokke is just that – she’s young - 18 to be exact. Getting ready to graduate from high school. Welcome to the internet era. The internet fervor got so wild that the Washington Post did a story on it an all the injustices that has fallen upon poor Allison.
Apparently Allison, a young attractive female has a lot of men (and women, I’m not here to judge your lifestyle, Ladies) looking at her. And these people don’t even know her! I’m sure of course, that this has never happened in her entire life. She must only be hot in those pictures and not real life. Before those pictures were online, I’m sure not a single male so much as batted an eye at Stokke. I’m sure she hasn’t had to live with every boy in her school and every male attending every single track meet she’s ever competed in starring at her. (Might the boys refer to her as Stroke me? That’s just my guess.)
The only problem with the Post’s story is that they got it. If Mr. Stokke, who apparently spends his nights trolling the internets for potential stalkers wanted his daughter to just be left alone don’t you think they would say no to a story?
I think you would. A feature story on the front cover of a major newspaper is not the way to dim the bright light of attention. Maybe next Mr. Stokke can buy some billboard space to put his daughter’s (surely stunning) Senior picture on with the words “Pretty please don’t look at me!”
Avert your eyes American public! Allison Stokke is a young hot athlete. She’s working on clearing 13’6” which is 2 and a half feet from the current world record. Can she keep improving and get there someday? I have no idea. My knowledge of women’s track and field is pretty limited, believe it or not.
I was however on the track team for a year or two in high school. I ran in the 200 meter relay with Marv and I don’t remember who else. That’s not important. What’s important was what we did at the track meets.
We looked at the girls.
As long as you weren’t watching the shot put competition, there were some smoking hot high school girls. Both from our school and other schools. Not that any of them would talk to me, (including the ones I already knew) but they were still hot. In fact, that was also the best part of cross country meets – the girls.
Same for basketball games. And football games. They both had cheerleaders and hot fans. Basically anywhere there were high school girls, I was looking at them. (If they were hot of course)
Then I went to college where I became a full time college girl watcher. What the fuck do they think is going to happen to Allison on the campus at Cal? College guys probably won’t want anything to do with her. (*Amber Sarcasm Alert*)
Yeah, right. Every guy on campus is going to want to fuck her. Just like every guy on campus wants to fuck every other hot girl on campus. We’ll see how little Allison wants the attention when Maxim throws some cash at her. Or Stuff. And then there’s The Bunny. I guess it depends on what kind of girl she is.
The odd part of this story is that ESPN tried to skirt this issue last month. Bill Simmons mentioned her in a column and was soon censored. This brings up – as Smittblog goes into – the fact that ESPN has made money off other former "jailbait" attractions Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova. Good looking female athletes are the perfect storm of beauty in many male eyes. Of course, the fact that they are athletes is in all truth, not that big of a deal.
We don’t care what women do, so long as they’re hot. So if you think there’s a man in the world who gives a shit that Anna Kournikova never won a singles title, you’re fucking stupid. And if you think any random baseball fan cares how fast Jennie Finch can throw a softball, you might be a redneck. Wait, sorry. You might be fucking stupid.
As for the age thing there was countdowns towards the Olsen twins 18th birthdays. And then there’s the current popularity of Hayden Panetierre of Heroes. Britney was once a hot commodity. And Lindsay. All before the golden number 18.
And then there is the apex. Where young age, meets tiny body.
The gymnast.
By the way, I’m sure I speak for Marvin and any other male our age when I say “Dominique Moceanu, you will always have a place in our hearts.” Whenever I hear The Devil Went Down to Georgia, I will think of you first. I’ve said too much...
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Fuck you Mr. Stokke. I can tell you if people are starring at your daughter in coffee shops it’s not because she’s that girl from the interwebs with the great body - it’s because she’s the girl in the coffee shop at that moment with the great body.
So when Stokke’s father reads on With Leather that a commentor wonders if she can ‘clear 9”’ what does he do then? Do we have a potential stalker at this point?
Seriously, with gas prices the way they are, how many new stalkers is this chick going to get? The point is, 20 or so years ago, Mr. Stokke (I don’t feel like looking for his real name) married Mrs. Stokke who I’m just guessing is an olive-skinned Goddess. I think that’s the biggest thing the internet dwellers are missing here. We most likely have a major league MILF on our hands and no pictures. As of right now, I’m saying Mrs. Stokke is the Yeti of MILF’s. I believe she exists and is smoking hot, yet I have no photographic evidence of this.
Let’s face it, there are a million 18+ hot chicks on the planet and they get all the attention. That’s why I’m saying we should leave poor Allison alone and go after her mom. It’s the patriotic (definitely not the right adjective) thing to do. Besides, within 2 years Allison’s life will go one of two ways:
1 - She becomes an extremely successful collegiate pole-vaulter and ESPN will be salivating over the idea of being able to televise Women’s Track & Field events on The Ocho. Or..
2 – She slowly realizes that her dream (whatever it may be) will never come true and she’ll be begging Maxim for a shoot. Only no one will care about her by then because she’s just another hot college chick so it’ll be…
Back of the line, Stokke!
Be careful turning your back on us now. You know the saying “Once in a lifetime opportunity?” Well don’t let dad fuck this up for you. You’re going to get attention the rest of your life. So be careful about what your douche-bag-Joe-Simpson-acting father says. Oh yeah, Hi, Mr. Stokke. I know you’re probably reading this, so I just want to make sure that it’s clear that I’m not a stalker. It’s just not geographically possible.
Besides, I’ve always been into soccer players.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The Money Beets - Links that make you pull the car over
What a weekend, eh? UFC 71, Kyle’s birthday, my mother’s birthday, a Green Hill Tribe show and it was a 4-day weekend to boot.
We’ll start Thursday where we were celebrating Kyle’s 24th at Lark Tavern. Believe me when I tell you the Utica Club was flowing freely that night my friends. Cans, drafts, you name it.
Okay, I guess it was just cans and drafts – Utica Club doesn’t believe in “draught,” it’s a working class brew. According to the Saranac (they own Uncle Charlie’s now) UC was the first beer sold after Prohibition.
Friday brought with it a trip to Saratoga to see the one and only Green Hill Tribe. The show as usual with any GHT performance was absolutely electric. It was part of guitar virtuoso Winter Storm Warning’s Aloha Tour. (It means hello and goodbye.)
What the crowd lacked in size, it more than made up for in foosball playing. (Hopefully we’ll have video…)
As Elton John once said, “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)” And that they did in Vegas Saturday. All in all, it was a pretty good Pay-Per-View event. The only problem was UFC poster boy Chuck Liddell (Who as of press time had lost nickname privileges) got got by some guy named Quinton. While Dana White maintains that Chuck Liddell is the face of the sport, he is not the chin of the sport.
No word on how Johnny Drama feels about the results.
(That's Rachelle Leah host of UFC All Access on Spike TV.)
For a more detailed account of the evening and further UFC news, visit the impeccable, UFCjunkie. They know a lot more about it than I do, they are in fact junkies, and that’s a pretty serious affliction.
Sunday was a big clusterfuck of Keystone Light and…I’m sure there was something else. Can’t quite recall…
Monday was a cookout at the in-laws’ and cards with Marvin taking down the big prize and Christian doing his part by telling a disturbing little (or should I say big?) story. Good times.
There was also some basketball and hockey played, but no one cares about hockey or the NBA. Despite the emergence of Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer, neither series has had much to offer. Of course LeBron (Winning the Turnover Battle) could change all that tonight with a monster performance like we’ve been wanting since he was a Junior in high school.
Roger Clemens was victorious in his Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, Triple-A start yesterday. It was Clemens, third start on the comeback trail and he struck out six only giving up 2 hits in 6 innings. During an interview with the Scranton Times Clemens had this to say about the game: “Ain’t no party like a Scranton party, ‘cuz a Stranton party don’t stop…”
Finally, a video that I just find very high on the Intentionally Unintentional Comedy Scale. It even goes with the theme of the column. So here’s Nickelback featuring Kid Rock covering Elton John’s “Saturday Nights Alright (For Fighting)”
Just delightfully retarded...
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