Not much doing today. Friday's are Half-days here at Cousins of Ron Mexico. That means we shut the plant down early here on Marcus Vick Blvd and head home for some afternoon drinking and Maddening. I think Kyle might be joining me for some Pizza Hut Buffet at noon which is good because I can't stand the idea of being "that guy" at the PHB. Believe me, I love the PHB, but I can't stand the thought of being the guy that goes alone. Going to a pizza buffet has got to be well below "the guy who goes to OTB alone" or "the guy who goes to little league games alone even though he doesn't know any of the kids." Not that I've ever done either of those. Sure I do own sweatpants with elastic on the bottom of the legs and have been known to carry a cooler full of ice pops to public parks. That's neither here nor there.
Well, this weekend there are no big horse races, (boo!) but its wedding and graduation season (Woo hoo!) so I’ve got that going for me. I’m going to Lauren’s cousin’s wedding tomorrow at noon and then I have to jet back to the north country where I have two cousins of my own celebrating their high school graduation. Read it with me – free booze. Ahhhh.
Saturday night (if I can keep my head up) is The Ultimate Fighter finale which features BJ Penn and Jens Pulver. Spike TV Saturday night at 9. If you want to catch up on where TUF is at you can watch the entire season back-to-back-to-back all day on Spike. The TUF finale should be jam packed with action as it features the most exciting division throughout the card – Lightweights. Every fight except one will be One-hundred-fifty-five-pounders. I’ll probably get so excited I’ll start singing Whitesnake. That’s another story though.
As I've already mentioned, it's a lazy day. So I'll leave you with a couple shitty links and a video.
Anyway, here are my impressions of Season 2 based solely on 2-sentence-long episode descriptions written almost 10 years ago:
Okay, it’s season 2. Time to shake up the “winning formula” – ha!
Seriously though, the cast got an overhaul. Many of the supporting players we fell in love with during the first season are gone.
Our favorite farmer Earl has graduated. Presumably he’s either at a school with “A&M” in the name or he’s fucking a sheep somewhere. Either way, he’s gone.
Heartthrob Chris Atwater has also graduated, along with team manager and all around red head Sam. Sam is at college in Chicago. Chris was most likely a dumb joke and is drinking Bud Heavies in the back of his pick up right now reliving the days he used to hit those 12 foot 3-point shots (we’ll get to that later) with ease before that bitch Julie Connor came and stole his shots.
Also gone is Michael Maxwell who has been given the Judy Winslow treatment.
(Judy Winslow, in my opinion, should have been the black community’s JonBenet Ramsey: a cute little black girl who simply disappeared one day. The only difference between the Winslow’s of Family Matters’ fame and the Ramseys is that Carl was a police officer and was able to cover the crime up.
Judy Winslow was not the first sitcom sibling to turn up missing. Chuck Cunningham – Richie’s older brother – disappeared from his Milwaukee, WI home sometime during the 1950’s. A police report was never filed.)
Where was I? Oh yeah, Hang Time.
Episode 1: Anthony Anderson is introduced as Coach Fuller’s Godson. I don’t know what to say about Anthony Anderson in an athletic role. I just don’t. Mary Beth quits cheer leading and becomes Team Manager – a much more dignified role. Also Mitch “Rock” Richmond has a cameo. Apparently Wayman Tisdale wasn’t available. (Tisdale once released a jazz album called “Hang Time”)
Episode 2 has a great description that includes this gem:
“Julie comes to think that boys don't notice her because she's too much of a "jock", it causes her such an identity crisis that she quits the team, until a cameo by Florence Griffith-Joyner sets her straight.”
That’s right boys and girls. It’s Flo-Jo! Don’t be freaked out – I’m pretty sure this was before she died. The best part is that Julie is set straight by a “cameo.” Not a “speech,” or a “inspirational talk” or an “example set by Flo-Jo,” but a “cameo.” Whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps, a cameo by Marv really sets me straight!
Episode 3…
Quick question, Hot Shot! How do you possibly top Mitch Richmond and Florence Griffith-Joyner? I know you’re probably thinking,
“That’s fucking impossible, Stephen. It CAN’T be done! They should have just ended the season after episode 2. There’s no place to go but down! WALK THE FUCK AWAY HANG TIME WRITERS!”
Well, I’m pleased to tell you that Rock and Flo-Jo were topped by none other than Cedric Ceballos. Yes, this Cedrick Ceballos:
I’ll give you guys a few moments to take that in before I continue.
How great is YouTube? Honestly, if this morning you had asked me if I would like to see Cedric Ceballos playing Warren G one-on-one and rapping – would that be something you’re interested in? I would have said yes. I wouldn’t have believed it to be a possibility, but I would have said yes.
Anyway episode 3 also features the “Harvest Moon Dance” which sounds like something Heather and Lauren might do at the club.
Episode 4: Teddy (Anthony Anderson) wants to ask a girl out who is played by Susan Patterson. That doesn’t seem too far fetched.
Episode 5 revolves around “escalating war of retaliations” between Mary Beth and Vince. I’ve always said, “Make escalating love of retaliations, not escalating war of retaliations,” but that’s just me.
Episode 6 should be watched by Barry Bonds everyday. It deals with steroids. Muggsy Bogues appears. Funny story – I was thinking about Muggsy Bogues yesterday, wondering why I couldn’t make the NBA. Instead of determining it might have something to do with the fact that I didn’t even play college basketball, I settled on reverse racism.
Episode 7: You have to follow up the “addiction episode” with the “fake ID episode.” You just have to. (The video at the top is the beginning of this episode) From the description:
“the gang had obtained some fake I.D.'s to get into an over-21 club to see a band, and, while there, Josh, Mary Beth and Amy had gotten into some alcohol, while Vince had gotten into a fight.”
“Had gotten into some alcohol?” Makes it sound like “this cow got into an onion patch.”
Nothing happens in episode 8 except for a charity drive blah blah blah
Episode 9: There is a character played by someone named “Billy Dee Willis.” I want to know if this is a type-o and its really Billy Dee Williams. I doubt it. Billy Dee would never have time for such a small stage.
Episode 10 features a cameo by Juwan Howard. Somewhere Jimmy King and Ray Jackson watched wondering if they could land recurring roles on the show.
Episode 11 features a three-point contest and Marques Johnson as Teddy’s father. Again, the idea that Anthony Anderson was birthed by a professional athlete leaves my mind bottled.
Episode 12: Nothing to see here folks. Move along.
In episode 13 Julie gets an offer to play pro ball in Italy which David Stern would definitely have a problem with. Lisa Leslie has a cameo, presumably to tell Julie to take the money and run. I’m pretty sure Julie doesn’t go because she’s on 4 more seasons of Hang Time.
I have to say that was always one thing I loved about Saturday morning teen shows. The fact that when I first watched a show the characters would be a year or two older than me, then by the time I graduated they were all still in school.
Oh yeah. The court…
The court in Hang Time was about the half the size of a real gym. I know they were shooting on a sound stage in LA, but they couldn’t find a real gym nearby to film the basketball scenes? You could shoot from one baseline to the other. The same thing bothered me about the episode of Family Matters (2 references?) where Steve saved the game? Nobody on the team would pass him the ball during tryouts so he became equipment manager. Remember when he came to try out and told the coach he didn’t have a cup so he brought a Scooby Doo mug. Well, I couldn’t find a video clip of that, or of the episode where Larry Johnson appeared as Grandmama. So you’re going to have to live with this:
Note before I get started: I got this idea from Dan Shanoff. He suggested a blog-related-drinking-game today suggesting that you drink whenever a blogger mentioned Hang Time because of Reggie Theus being in the news today. The only problem is, Dan said, “coffee or soda only” and I cannot condone a drinking game that doesn’t involve alcohol. So I encourage anyone considering playing this leave work now, pick up a case of your favorite beer, go home and plop (very underrated word IMO) down in front of your PC and start Googling. Now, onto Hang Time:
Hang Time was first put on the air around the time of Saved By The Bell’s death rattle – SBTB: The New Class. The show was immediately likable because it was about basketball and had a couple cute girls. Most notably, Daniella Deutscher who played Julie Connor. Of course by notable I mean that I could remember what she looked like and was actually able to find a picture of her online.
With the exception of Reggie Theus (the reason for this trip down memory lane) and Anthony Anderson (what hasn’t he been in?) the cast of Hang Time is as obscure a bunch as you could ever find. I found a fairly comprehensive site about the first two season of Hang Time that some kid did when it was originally on.
There is unintentional comedy galore on this page.
I have no opinion on the reviewer, he obviously put some time into this site. The fact that there were actually people putting content online in 1996 blows me away. I didn’t even have an internet connection in 1996. I still thought it was…I have no idea. I knew it was out there, but had no real concept of it.
Anyway…here are some things I noticed as I read over the cast list and episode summaries for the first couple seasons of Hang Time.
The original cast features no one I’ve heard of since except for new Kings coach Reggie Theus. I looked for pictures of the girls and didn’t find anything usable.
Our first big surprise comes in episode 3 when Ahmad Rashad and WillowBay make an appearance. I can only assume it was to interview Julie Conner about what it’s like to be a female basketball player on a boys basketball team. This episode probably has to do with her thinking she’s super cool and the guys get jealous.
Holy shit! I almost nailed that episode description.
“It's Julie's first game with the Deering Tornadoes and the press is having a field day with the first female on a boy's basketball team, but Julie's attention turns to her own fame, and her teammates begin to resent her. Meanwhile, Earl gives Mary Beth a pig in return for saving his life.”
Okay, I completely missed the subplot involving the pig, but you’re not going to fault me for that are you? Oh come on! It’s a fucking pig! I guess that just goes to show I’ll never be able to write a Saturday morning teen comedy. *Le sigh*
Oooh! The hits just keep on coming in episode 4 as Grant Hill cameos. He is the favorite player of Michael Maxwell. That really dates the show doesn’t it? Anytime Grant Hill is involved you know you’re in the early/mid-nineties. No information is available as to whether or not Hill was injured during the taping of this episode.
Apparently the character named Earl is a farmer. The whole pig thing is starting to make sense.
Here’s an interesting tidbit, in episode 7, Coach Fuller (Theus) has the team over for a Mike Tyson fight. I’m pretty sure if you invited a bunch of high schoolers to your house to watch Mike Tyson in 2007 you’d be arrested.
Episode 8 features a girl named Debbie played by Whitney Anderson. Apparently she’s going to be in a movie called…wait for it… Zombie Strippers. Whitney Anderson is okay in my book.
Episode 9 it both the obligatory “gang-trapped-somewhere-overnight” episode as well as the obligatory “Home-Ec-class-fake-parenting-gang-learns-responsibility” episode. Very impressive sitcom writing. I think we can safely call this the “kitchen sink” episode of the series as they are just looking for another season so they throw every teen show device possible into the script.
Episode 10 includes this gem: “A visit by Russian exchange students brings romance for Earl, and headaches for Michael, who just wants a "Russian babe", but ends up with more than he can handle.”
That just sounds like 22 minutes of laughs to me.
Episode 11 sees Coach Fuller (“Hey! Isn’t that new Kings Coach Reggie Theus!?”) take in Danny when his parents leave town. This is the obligatory “unintentional party where no one actually drinks, but they all show up” episode.
Episode 12: “Emotions are stirred up for Julie and Chris when he resorts to an old habit to play well in the championship tournament: a good luck kiss from Mary Beth (much to her delight!). Meanwhile, Danny is having a hard time saying the "L" word to Sam.”
First up, I love the totally vague “championship tournament” terminology. That’s taking “the big game” and stepping it up about 5 notches. Also, “the ‘L’ word.”
That’s all for now, I’ll be back in a couple hours with Season 2 thoughts.
So Florida is going to start testing its high school students for performance enhancers. Let me just say that I’m very lucky they didn’t test back when I went to high school in Florida. I know what you’re thinking: didn’t you go to high school in upstate New York?
Sorry friend, but that’s a common misconception. There’s a whole story to be told that I’ve never shared with anyone: I actually led a double life as a teen. You see, as a child I went on a family vacation to Disney World. While I was there I murdered a little boy because he cut in front of me while in line to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
You see, I was going to get Michelangelo’s autograph first and I wasn’t about to wait for some asshole Floridian who was there because… well I don’t care. There’s no fucking excuse for cutting in line when you’re waiting to see the Ninja Turtles. Would a Ninja Turtle cut in line? I think not. Splinter taught them better than that and I picked up that lesson from the early cartoons.
So anyway, this little dickweed thought he was going first, we had words and one thing led to another. I ended up taking him behind a Beauty and the Beast themed restaurant and bludgeoned him to death with a replica Cogsworth.
After I disposed of the body in dumpsters throughout the park I rejoined my family for lunch. Around 2 that afternoon I noticed a heavier contingency of security guards and thought something might be up.
Luckily while beating the kid I noticed he kind of looked like me so I decided to see if I could get the heat off by pretending to be him. Somehow it worked. I know this doesn’t say much for Floridians, but whatever.
Long story short I spent the next 7 years of my life flying back and forth from NY to FL every week. In New York I was Stephen Douglas and in Florida I was Skip Mendelbaumstien. (The kid’s given name was Scooter, but that seemed a little too-Gentile for me)
I told my real parents what happened and my new fake parents that I was auditioning for roles in Steven Segal films. I told the people at the two schools that I was getting my tonsils out. (Idiot)
What do steroids have to do with this? Well, I was a high school football star in Florida. I was quite popular with the ladies, even then-Florida-high-schooler, Jenn Sterger. When I rejected her she started to dress in skimpy the skimpy outfits that made her famous in an attempt to get attention.
Since I’m a great writer, I didn’t want to waste my talents by going to the only three colleges available to high school football stars in Florida – The University of Florida, Florida State or The U. I couldn’t stand the thought of any of that shit, so I told my “parents” I was joining the Peace Corp. I broke up with the 5 cheerleaders I was with at the time and was never to be heard from again.
So yesterday I was driving to work and heard that Velvet Revolver and Alice in Chains were going to be playing SPAC together this summer. Let me tell you I was pretty fucking excited. I’m a huge GNR, STP and AIC fan. It kind of sucks that there are such big parts of all three of those bands that won’t be there (Axl and Layne, the DeLeo bros), but what the fuck. You’ve still got a pretty tight lineup.
I saw Velvet Revolver 2 years ago with Lauren and they kicked my teeth in. Just a great rock n’ roll show. I was looking forward to seeing them again.
Then I got to work and Ben pointed out that I had just requested that time off so I could go on a family vacation with my (wait for it) family. The worst part is, the show is right in the middle of the week. Not towards the end of the trip or right at the beginning when I might be able to convince my parents to maybe slide our plans a day or two, but right in the fucking middle where I’m shit out of luck.
Well, not totally I guess. Velvet Revolver will be playing a couple warm up dates, one of which is at Turning Stone. I can go see them August 6th at Turning Stone. Yeah, I think I can talk myself into that. A night at a casino where Slash, Duff and Scott Weiland will most likely be staying? Imagine sitting a Kenny Rogers Slot Machine in VeronaNY at 3 in the morning and having Slash sit down next to you? Do you think Matt Sorum plays dollar hold’em? Dave Kushner probably does.
Ooooh. Upon further review Velvet Revolver and Alice in Chains will be playing Mohegan Sun when I’m on vacation with the family in the area. I think they have a gambling problem. Maybe I’ll get to ask Scott Weiland if gambling is better than heroin.
Then again, I probably shouldn’t.
They’re playing Scranton, PA a couple shows later. How would that be for a summer tour? Two casinos and the home of Dunder Mifflin? Three pilgrimages worth taking.
I’m sure I could handle a ride down the industrial elevator into a mine shaft with the guys from VR, but I don’t know if I should even entertain the idea of gambling with them. Just to name a couple things they’ve done: Scott Weiland has spent enough time in rehab to make Lindsay Lohan judge him. Duff’s pancreas exploded as a result of drinking and… well, Slash literally died once. They might be slightly more addictive personalities than me.
Though I did throw up a shot of Goldschlager once. That’s pretty fucking Spartan if I do say so myself.
So if anyone likes gambling and rock n’ fuckin’ roll, let me know. We’ll have to get together and throw a couple back.
Oh and in case you're interested, here's the new Velvet Revolver single: She Builds Quick Machines
Update: I love the fact that in every video for both VR and GNR - no matter what the situation or plot in the video, Slash always ends up doing a solo. Even though there wasn't another instrument involved at any point (They were some sort of liberators - the new album is called Libertad) Slash still got to do his thing. Like he doesn't think we believe it's him playing. What a silly goose Slash is.
I heard something absolutely sickening last night as Mike and I ate chicken wings and drank beer at the Lighthouse – Rosie O'Donnell is rumored to be Bob Barker's replacement on The Price is Right. Ugh.
There are a number of things in this world I would rather see happen than Rosie O'Donnell host The Price is Right. Here are some of them:
Get punched in the face by a kangaroo.
Be trampled in a reenactment of the stampede in The Lion King.
Have Ashlee Simpson serenade me as I try to fall asleep every night for a year.
A roman war helmet courtesy of Ron Jeremy.
Put on a blind fold and have Miss Cleo tell me when its safe to cross the Thruway at 8:57 on a Monday morning.
Own a television that only gets reception during episodes of Yes, Dear.
Kick myself in the balls every weekday from 11am to noon.
Margaret Cho Nip-Slip Screen Saver.
Pick up a dollar Pacman Jones dropped while he and MOE watched.
Be a white guy on the Mets with the last name Gomez.
Tell Elijah Dukes I slept with his ex-wife.
Actually sleep with Elijah Dukes' ex-wife.
Have the future of my favorite team rest on the broad, sexy shoulders of Brady Quinn.
Watch helplessly as Miguel Cabrera is senselessly mauled by a pack of [Cincinnati] Bengals.
Have Hunter S. Thompson call me a shitty writer.
See Tony Parker take Proof’s place in D-12.
Suffer from a pizza allergy.
(I'll be working on a picture in the morning. Thought I'd throw up the post first.)
Sorry everyone that cares, (Hi Pat) but we're in the middle of a network upgrade here at my place of employment and experiencing some technical difficulties. I.E., I have no internet access. I've been playing Solitaire for 3 straight hours. Hopefully I'll be back up and running by tomorrow. Peace out cub scouts.
Not much doing today. Friday's are Half-days here at Cousins of Ron Mexico. That means we shut the plant down early here on Marcus Vick Blvd and head home for some afternoon drinking and Maddening. I think Kyle might be joining me for some Pizza Hut Buffet at noon which is good because I can't stand the idea of being "that guy" at the PHB. Believe me, I love the PHB, but I can't stand the thought of being the guy that goes alone. Going to a pizza buffet has got to be well below "the guy who goes to OTB alone" or "the guy who goes to little league games alone even though he doesn't know any of the kids." Not that I've ever done either of those. Sure I do own sweatpants with elastic on the bottom of the legs and have been known to carry a cooler full of ice pops to public parks. That's neither here nor there.
