The Ladies of T.G.I.F. Series Presents: Staci Keanan

Yes, yes. TGIF indeed. Last week I treated you to Christina Lakin who is number one for former girls of Step By Step. This week I’m bringing you the not-far-behind number 2 of the class of SBS: Staci Keanan – or as you may remember her – “that bitch Dana Foster.”

Since parting ways with the likes of Suzanne Somers and Patrick Duffy, Staci hasn’t done much, but that doesn’t make her any less fun to look at. At least she’s still working every weekday afternoon on ABC Family.

Keanan also starred in My Two Dads which I’ve never seen. She stared along side Paul Reiser which leads me to believe the show was horrible. Just a guess.

Maybe I’m making this up because I haven’t watched the show in years, but I remember Dana always being mean to Cody, Frank Lambert’s semi-retarded nephew who lived in a van in the backyard. Dana eventually started dating one of JT’s buddies, Richie who was played by Jason Marsden who has the distinction of appearing on 3 separate TGIF shows, Step By Step, Full House and Boy Meets World. Interesting....

(Not really)

Anyway, thank goodness it’s Friday, boys and girls.

The Cable Guy Sucks

Photo by Philip Kamrass / Times Union

Well, it’s Friday and I know what most of you are looking for, but we’re not going to get into that just yet. I’ll take this opportunity to catch everyone up on how the last couple days have gone.

Monday and Tuesday were bitches as there was a ton of heavy lifting to do at work. Wednesday was opening day at the track and that went about as well as a root canal. It was a good time and all, but I could have stayed in Albany and just thrown crumpled up 5 dollar bills at people as they walked by me on Madison Avenue and got the same results.

I went up to Saratoga and met Lomanto at the gate with two of his buddies. We found a spot in the shade of a bank of televisions and settled in with a cooler full of Heineken Lights (us girls have to watch our figures) and started to pour over our racing forms.

I should have known it was going to be a long afternoon in the Saratoga sun when during the first race of the season my horse (the favorite – also leading at the time) fell on its face coming down the stretch. Luckily my long shot pick (who was coming on strong at that point) was right behind the favorite who had toppled so he had to slow down so as not to get involved in a 5-horse-pile-up.

This of course screwed everyone in their opinions. One degenerate near us kept talking about how the fallen horse had screwed him because his horse was “coming on like gangbusters” when the fall happened. He mentioned this fact no less than 10 times before the next race.

Then there was the short, fat, bald, effeminate man sitting at a picnic table behind us. He (like everyone else) was an expert and had a voice that confused Lomanto most of the afternoon until he finally caught a glimpse of him and said, “Fuck, I thought that was an old woman.” He was right, it did sound like when I turned around I should see someone with a blue bee-hive hairdo.

Long story short, the gambling Gods were not with us Wednesday afternoon my friends. Race after race our horses would come up short. The only good sign was the fact that I went home with money in my pocket – which is always good following an afternoon at the track.

I was finally able to break free from the action of getting my ass kicked by little electronic machines that take my money. When I did I returned home to discover an even worse fate than losing money – the cable was out. Of course it’s difficult to get a cable guy to make a house call at 6pm on a Wednesday – except maybe Chip Douglas.

I was told by the cable company that I was basically fucked, given a 4 and a half hour window of Friday afternoon and told to go sit on my remote and rotate. Hey, if 120 bucks a month can’t get you constant service, what can? Seriously, what is so fucking special about the cable industry that they can’t make appointments in windows smaller than 4 and a half hours?

You’re telling me a huge company like Time Warner Cable can’t figure out within…say an hour and a half of when they might show up at your house? If I have 8 places to go in an afternoon, I draw out a little map in my mind and I can tell you within a Ben Stiller movie when I’ll be at each one. Not Time Warner though. Especially since a standard house call sometimes lasts upwards of 10 minutes! You never know when the cable guy might get caught up at a house for 15 whole minutes.

These guys are professionals. Unless they are rewiring an entire house, what could possible take so long?

“Yup, this cable is bad – let me replace it.”

“Yeah, something is wrong with the box – let me grab a new one out of the truck.”

“See, the problem is the coaxial wasn’t plugged into the television. I’ll screw that in.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong. Let me call the office….Yup, they had to flip a switch, you’re all set.”

FUCK YOU TIME WARNER!

Give me a fucking time, get to my fucking house and fix my fucking cable. I don’t give a shit how long that job at the Johnsons might take – I’m guessing you as a CABLE COMPANY have some sort of idea how long it might take to fix the CABLE at that house. You’ve got to be able to do better than FOUR AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS OR LESS!

Ironically enough, we ended up watching The Cable Guy last night. Boy, what a hilarious movie. It would have been great as a 4 minute sketch on In Living Color, I’m sure. What a drawn out movie. Christ. You know what the problem with The Cable Guy is? It’s not funny enough to be a comedy and it’s not dark enough to be anything else. All they had to do was slap an “R” on that bitch, and skew it towards Fatal Attraction. It would have made a hell of a thriller if Jim Carey wasn’t such a “character.”

Or Ben Stiller could have went the other way and figured a way to make the movie actually…you know…funny. I mean, you’ve got Jim Carey, Matthew Broderick, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, David Cross, (the wonderful) Leslie Mann and George Segal in one movie and you can’t make it funny?

I’m exhausted now. That movie took a lot out of me. If you need me, I’ll be waiting for the cable guy and then heading back to the track.

Fantasy Football Do's

Welcome back.

This time I'm back with some things that are allowed - or even encouraged - in the semi-inaugural season of CRMFFL. Actually doing any of the following will result in the awarding of Schrutebucks. The player with the most Schrutebucks at the end of the season gets a friendly kick in the groin.

- Always comment when you see a cute puppy

- Post links to hot live pics of Scarlett, Elisha, either Jessica, etc...

- Think of a clever team name

- Consume the following: beer, chicken wings, pizza

- Make fun of others in the league

- Swear often: it makes you seem tough

- Feel free to make fun of Reggie Bush's propensity for chicks with a huge ass (Sorry, TBL)

- Wonder aloud during Saints games why Bush doesn't go for "Fuck Da Eagles Heather"

- Always offer the commissioner a tasty brew

Not much of a list, I know, but there are more important things at hand.

Last year we had an 8 team league that ended in madness. I won't go to far into it here, but I'm pretty sure the worst regular season team earned 2 victories and ended up winning in the playoffs. It was retarded all around. This year I want to get the number of teams up to at least 10. (Maybe even 12)

I'm going to assume I'll have the original 8 back for this season and I already have 4 of those confirmations. That leaves me with 4 spots. I'm going to say this now and see if it bites me in the ass in a few weeks... but who the fuck knows?

What I'm trying to say is...would you like to be a part of the league?

Before you jump to a decision, keep this is mind: I'll be using this very blog to write detailed breakdowns of every fantasy match up in the league every single week - on both Monday and Tuesday mornings. I'll be second guessing every GM. I'll be proclaiming teams dead online before the Sunday Night Football In America crew even starts to apply their makeup.

I mean, don't get me wrong - I'll be giving it to myself (Excuse me?) just as bad every week. Hell, I might even ask some of my friends in the league to write awful things about me to fill some space.

That's right! Guest bloggers! Unheard of for CRM, but it might need to be done in the name of checks and balances and all that good democratic shit.

On the downside, if you suck this year, it'll be out there on the internet forever. (Or until Y3K at least)

On the upside, if something cool* should happen in the fantasy world this year, it will be chronicled here forever and literally dozens of people will read about it.

Also, I'll be setting the league up on Yahoo! (Why are they so excited?) or Fox Sports this year (haven't decided yet) because we used ESPN last year and weren't too happy with all the InSider BullShit. Unless somebody wants to throw in a hundred bucks so everybody can see stats, we won't ever be going back.

Anyway, if you're interested in joining a real league*, e-mail me at alumnigonzo@gmail.com, or drop something in the comments, or use your powers of telepathy - whatever works best for your schedule.

Just remember, if you don't make it here - you'll probably end up in a much better league.

*A certain blond actress is so impressed by your fantasy exploits she shows up at your house in....well, a picture is worth a thousand words.

**CRMFFL is a keeper league using only kickers and TE's. We require a 5 year commitment.

Your Ultimate Fantasy

It's time to start fantasizing, people! And I'm not talking about birthday girl Kate Beckinsale - I'm talking about fantasy football.

I don't remember what the league was called last year - something really dumb I'm sure - but it's going to be "The Cousins of Ron Mexico Fantasy Football League" this year. Why? Because I do the blogging around here so I get naming rights. I'm also the commissioner. Hopefully I won't have to Goodell any of your asses for various offenses.

Various offenses that might get you kicked out of the CRMFFL include but are not limited to:

- Dog fighting

- Bouncing stripper(s) head(s) off dance floor (unless they deserve it)

- Making fun of hockey (League Prime Minister Ben's discretion)

- Changing your team name mid-way through the season so that it refers to my mother

- Getting up at any point on a Sunday afternoon and not offering to get me a beer

- Betting against your fantasy match-up for the week, taking the "under" and sitting key players

- Forgetting to set your line-up (I know, I know, with only 5 days between Monday and Sunday, who can find the time?)

- Boating under the influence

- Watching games sober

- Posting on the league message board that you're looking for a date

- Carrying your weed in something other than an Poland Springs bottle

Coming later today: Things that are encouraged in the semi-inaugural CRMFFL.

I'll Be Out Of The Office All Day, But If You Need To Reach Me...

Look, I’m sorry I didn’t post anything Monday. Work was nuts…then to make up for it I posted twice Tuesday and they were celebrity news items. Slacking - I know.

Well, today isn’t going to be any better because it is now post time (at least it is at 1pm) so I’ll be in lovely Saratoga gambling, drinking and ogling. That means no chance of multiple posts today. None. This is it.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how much you like me) I wrote this last week and was saving it. It’s not Pacman-and-MOE-long or Jessica-Alba-sexy, but it’s something. So without further ado… may I present to you:

Me, My Blog, and I

I noticed in the comments recently that there were some questions about the blog. I thought that it might be a good idea to create a Frequently Asked Questions thread. I’ll post this, throw a link up on the side and add to the FAQ’s whenever something comes up. So if you’re reading this sometime in the future you can ignore this whole paragraph because you’ve obviously clicked here because you had a question that you thought could be answered here. If so, feel free to jump to the next sentence.

FAQ’s

FAQ: What’s a “blog?”
Answer: A really badass way to say “online diary.”

FAQ: Who the fuck is Ron Mexico?
Answer: Michael Vick. Here’s the story. (The Smoking Gun) Here’s BradyFan83. You can’t possibly have any other questions.

FAQ: I thought everybody was calling him “Ookie” now? (KSK)
Answer: Yes, since the indictment, Ookie has become the new Mike Vick name of choice in the blogging community - or “blogosphere.”

FAQ: Doesn’t that make the name of this blog antiquated?
Answer: Yeah. No. Shut up. Look, when I started this blog half a year ago, Ron Mexico was old news, but new to me. Besides, Cousins of Ookie just sounds fucking stupid.

FAQ: Why “cousins?”
Answer: Why not cousins?

FAQ: How many people write for this site?
Answer: Just one. Me.

FAQ: Who does all the shitty Photoshop work?
Answer: I do. You’re a mean little prick aren’t you?

FAQ: Why did you start this “blog?”
Answer: So my friends would have something to make them laugh at work.

FAQ: Does it work?
Answer: Not really.

FAQ: Can I contribute?
Answer: No, the quality of work here is poor enough already. Besides, I wouldn’t want to drag you down with me.

FAQ: Why do you post so many pictures of scantily clad women?
Answer: What are you? Gay?

FAQ: How do you tell how many people visit the site?
Answer: Sitemeter.

FAQ: What’s that?
Answer: A website that measures visits. If you want a good laugh, it’s the little multicolored box at the bottom of the page.

FAQ: Why don’t you ever post any naked chicks here?
Answer: This is a site I want everybody to visit at work and not get fired if their boss happens by.

FAQ: There barely wearing anything as it is.
Answer: It’s 2007. If a hot girl with some cleavage is going to get you fired, then it’s time to find a new job. It’s not like this is [Website redacted] (do I really need to tell you that this link is NSFW?) you fucking Puritan.

FAQ: Why do you swear so much?
Answer: To help mask the fact that I’m not a very good writer.

FAQ: I think you’re a pretty good writer.
Answer: That’s more of a compliment than a question, but thank you.

FAQ: I thought you always used to say that you would never write anything you wouldn’t want your grandmother to read?
Answer: I did, but that was for the school newspaper. Besides, my grandmother couldn’t turn on a computer, let alone find this site.

FAQ: Why don’t you write everyday?
Answer: Sometimes my job actually occupies me. Believe me, I’d much rather be looking for pictures of Scarlett Johansson and giving you a play-by-play of every PBR I consumed the night before while I watched Ninja Warrior in High Def.

FAQ: If you like blogging so much and work sometimes gets in the way, why don’t you just blog when you get home.
Answer: That’s drinking time, silly.

FAQ: Why can’t you write and drink at the same time?
Answer: The quality of the product might suffer.

FAQ: Seriously, who could tell the difference?
Answer: Good point.

FAQ: You write a lot about gambling – do you have a problem?
Answer: It’s not a problem if you’re winning!

FAQ: So you win a lot?
Answer: No. :-(

FAQ: It’s raining outside, what do you suggest?
Answer: An umbrella-ella-ella-a-a-a-o.

FAQ: You also write about drinking a lot. Is that another problem?
Answer: It’s not a problem if….I’ve got nothing.

FAQ: What happened to the picture of you chugging cheap beer?
Answer: Actually, that was me drinking good beer in an English pub. I think it was Kronenburg 1664. Also, I wasn’t chugging. I’m not much of a chugger. I don’t sprint, I’m more of a marathon drinker.

FAQ: Who the hell are all these people you always talk about?
Answer: Bill Simmons has J-Bug, Hench, Sully, Blue Boy (Blue Boy may or may not be a person made up by bloggers). I have Marv, Kyle, Mike, Justin, Ben, Foker, Chris, Pat and Slobadow.

FAQ: Why should I care about them?
Answer: You shouldn’t give a shit about them. They suck. They’re my friends and not yours.

FAQ: Well why do you mention them?
Answer: I don’t have time to meet all your friends and write about them.


FAQ: Who is “MOE?”
Answer: MOE stands for Member Of Entourage. I don’t know any of Pacman Jones’ friends either - and don’t think I want to.

FAQ: Is there a minimum amount of money I have to win at OTB before I can make it rain?
Answer: Yes, 37 dollars.

FAQ: How much does this job pay?
Answer: What job?

FAQ: Blogging?
Answer: None money - I do this for fun. No money can make me feel as good as knowing I made Pat smile. I also get a big kick out of writing “booze hound” and “silver dollar pancake.”

FAQ: So if someone offered you money to do this you would turn it down.
Answer: Fuck no! I’d take the money and run.

FAQ: So you would sell out?
Answer: I’d sell out so fast your computer would fall off you desk.

FAQ: Do you really visit the sites on your blogroll? Or are they just listed so they will hopefully give you love back?
Answer: I love every single one of those sites.

FAQ: How can I get on the blogroll?
Answer: Make me laugh.

FAQ: So this black guy walks into a bar…
Answer: Nice try.

FAQ: Why don’t you write about hockey?
Answer: Come on, this is America.

FAQ: You say this is a sports blog, so why don’t you write about a real sport, like hockey?
Answer: Alright, fine. Next hockey season, I’ll cover it extensively. I’ll do a round-up type thing every morning. Happy?

FAQ: Let’s get down to brass tacks - how much for the ape?
Answer: I don't know what you're talking about.

FAQ: Why aren’t there more pictures of Jessica Biel?
Answer: I’m doing the best I can. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t really cognizant of Biel until recently.

FAQ: Hey, doesn’t I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry open today?
Answer: No. That promotion is over.

FAQ: Are you really going to see it?
Answer: Not a chance in hell.

FAQ: Why aren’t there ever any pictures of Ashlee Simpson?
Answer: I hate her.

FAQ: Do you have any advice about pizza consumption?
Answer: Yes, I do. I love pizza and have a rule of thumb I use so I don’t eat too much pizza: Don’t eat pizza twice a day more than 4 times a week. Write that down.

FAQ: Are you ever going to get a hair cut?
Answer: Get off my back, Mom.

FAQ: Can I buy you a drank?
Answer: I don’t know what that means, but if it means you’re going to purchase me a beer - yes. Yes you can buy me a drank.

FAQ: Is Tony Soprano dead?
Answer: I hope so because David Chase doesn’t deserve another dollar from the American public. All I know is that The Sopranos is dead to me.

If you have any questions for me to add to the FAQ… you know the drill.

Lindsay Lohan Might Have A Problem

I started to do this as just an update, but then the words kept coming so here we go...

Not long after I wrote that I would want to see Lindsay Lohan hosting The Price Is Right, (see below) it was reported that she was busted for a DUI (TMZ) and had a bag of coke in her pocket.

This morning The Big Lead used this picture and then Best Week Ever used it for the breakingLohanews.

I just want to point out that I think this picture is infinitely great.

First off, she looks great. She looks Mean Girls era good. And that is saying something. Mean Girls was her absolute apex of hotness.

Look at this picture from the film. She looks good - and she's standing next to Lacy Chalbert. That's an accomplishment. I've probably mentioned before how highly I think of Mean Girls.

Then she started doing blow, lost a ton of weight and started to look like shit.

Now she's probably going to go to jail and you know that's got to fuck up whatever is working for her. And as it stands right now, if she loses 3 pounds she'll be back to full-on Skeletor mode - which isn't fun for anyone.

It's just too bad the girl is obviously a fucking addict.

Of course whose to say I'd be any better? If I had all that money I might consider spending entire weekends making cocaine lines into shapes of countries in the Eastern European bloc like Jared Let in Lord of War. (The Equal Time Campaign rules specify that anytime I reference Jared Leto in any sort of positive light I must also link to a ridiculous 30 Seconds to Mars video so that you remember what a fucking weirdo he is. What if I wanted to break...)

Anyway, this girl is obviously the female Hollywood version of Pacman Jones. There's got to be somebody in her life that should maybe say something (anything) along the lines of "You know, this might not be the best idea." I mean, she's got enough money to employ a straight-edge hot chick to hang out with her and drive her around. Or maybe even call for a fucking taxi. Or offer to blow somebody in the paparatzzi for a ride.

Anyway, this is most likely going to set back Linday's career and body for a while - which is a shame. At least we have I Know Who Killed Me to look forward to. She plays a stripper and that sounds like required viewing to me.

___________________________________________________________________

Other LiLo films you will get me to admit to seeing:

Freaky Friday - I was staying at a friend's house and there was no cable. It was ridiculous teenage-pop corn-fluff right before she hit her prime.

Just My Luck - We have HBO and lots of free time in my house. Say what you want about LiLo (sorry) but whoever does her make-up knocks it out of the fucking park whenever she does a movie.

Bobby - An actual serious movie. She was fine in it, as were the other 45 main(ish) characters. I don't know if it was the fact that I'd been up for a day straight, was on an airplane drinking Heineken or what, but the movie was emotional.

Drew Carey To Finally Get Some Beauties

Drew Carey has been picked to replace Bob Barker as the host of The Price is Right. In my opinion this is about the least worst scenario. I love(d) The Drew Carey show. I enjoyed Whose Line Is It Anyway. I liked the man's stand up. I'm even pretty sure there's a copy of his book lying around in my parents' house.

He's funny, doesn't take himself too serious, and did I mention his book was called Dirty Jokes and Beer?

Of all the people, I think Drew Carey might be there person that I would most want to see host- - besides Lindsay Lohan. Every show would be a guessing game: Will she show up hot? Drunk? Or at all?

Anyway, cheers to Drew Carey and The Price Is Right...I'll be DVRing

I Love Soccer! Oops! I Mean Futbol!

It’s a good day to live in America and be a fan of "the beautiful game." (Via For The Love Of Sports who loves soccer much more than I) Let me just say that 3 weeks ago I wouldn’t have know a soccer ball if I was free kicked in the head with one.

Then David Beckham touched down on American soil. Since that glorious afternoon, I haven’t been able to sleep, thanks to my [newfound] unhealthy obsession with Non-American-Football. Seriously though, I can’t wait for the NFL season to be over so I can get a full season of cheering for MLS! (Major League Soccer apparently)

All I know is that my love for soccer is out of this world, but still relegated to the Galaxy! That was the best 14 minutes of running time of my life! Go MLS!

____________________________________________________________________

I tried to blog about the affects of the Beckham debut, but couldn't keep my attention long enough to put together 2 consecutive thoughts. The basic jist [sic?] was that I always liked soccer. As unfunny as it is, I hope that soccer catches on in America.

I hope my kids play soccer some day (I don't have any yet). I would have if our school had fielded a team instead of a shitty (American) football team.

I'll always remember watching the US women win the 1999 World Cup while I was at basketball camp. ("Where were you when Brandi Chastain took her shirt off?" I've always thought that would be a great soccer campaign.)

In high school our girls soccer team (featuring a ton of good friends) was pretty good. (Sectional title and everything) College brought female NE-10 powerhouses and NCAA births which also featured good friends. Not the mention the revered Soccer girls house where I watched the Marlins win their second World Series title. (10 South Main For Life)

What does all this have to do with David Beckham? Not too fucking much, but it makes sense to me.

I guess the point is that for most of my formative life was spent being close friends with/worshiping soccer girls.

All that combined with the fact that soccer is wicked fun to play (when I was younger obviously - If I tried to run that much right now I'd fucking die) contribute to my love ("Did he say love? I think he just said love!") of soccer.

What is the point of all of this? I'm not sure. It's late Saturday/early Sunday and I've been drinking copious amounts of beer for a while now. My best points are lost in the muck and mire at this point.

I guess I just want to stress the point that I watched Beck's debut and enjoyed it. Despite the fact that he didn't get in until the end, his team lost and he didn't do much - it was good viewing. Hearing the crowd come alive whenever he moved was fairly cool and when he actually did go in...almost goosebumps. Not because it was a real goose bump moment, but because ESPN pushed it so hard that I was afraid I would be electrocuted if His (ESPN and MLS threatened legal action if I didn't capitalize) entrance didn't elicit the correct emotion.

___________________________________________________________________

I hope you're all* happy - I'm blogging on a weekend. Pretty sad isn't it?

*Yeah, all 7 of you.

You want a list? Lo, Heather, Cory (M) Mull, Whitebone, Marv, Pat, and now Justin. (If you weren't listed, then I either don't know your name or don't know you read this shit)

If you want to be added to the list of readers or have a thought about Posh or Becks, share it below (comments). Later you old booze hounds.