The Ladies of T.G.I.F. Series Presents: Kaley Cuoco

Some of you might be wondering...who the hell is Kaley Cuoco? Well, she's not what you might think of as a traditional TGIF girl. She played Bridget on 8 Simple Rules...For Dating My Teenage Duaghter which moved to ABC's Friday night line-up in the Fall of 2004. Of course this was ABC's short lived, poorly revived version of TGIF. 8 Simple Rules... was trying to move on from the death of John Ritter - but we don't need to talk about that.
If you want more pictographic information on Kaley, try this site. Or learn to Google - it is 2007 after all, you silly goose.

Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Revealed!

WARNING: The following blog post contains SPOILERS, really hot women and lots of unnecessary exclamation points. You have been warned.

Hey everybody. I know I don't usually blog from my home, but I thought I had a scoop! (I don't) I was looking at imdb.com before bed tonight (got to keep up to date on the entertainment world) and saw a link to the start of Esquire's 4th Annual Sexiest Woman Alive. It features a picture and some small clues as to who she is.

As soon as I looked at it I thought Scarlett had won again, but something about it wasn't right. It's the tattoo. Scarlett would never defile her stunning porcelain skin with such filth. I read on.

A clue: Looks like Ashley Judd.

Could it be Ashley Judd? No one looks more like Ashley Judd than Ashley Judd. It might be Ashley Judd...

...Nah, too obvious. Even for Esquire. (I don't know what that means!) So I thought for another 5 seconds and came up with...(wait for it)...Charlize Theron.

"Nah, way too simple I thought."

So I Googled.

You know, sometimes I think about quitting the blogdustry, but then I realize it's mostly just spending 20 minutes writing something and then spending the next hour and a half looking at pictures of half-naked hot chicks and I decide to keep doing it. This was one of those times when you get the perfect storm of words (nothing special) and hot chicks (oh yes).

So, for you, my friends, I looked at pictures of Charlize Theron. I looked at pictures of Ashley Judd. I looked at pictures of Scarlett Johansson. (I'm very thorough)

After a couple hours I stumbled upon conclusive evidence: Charlize Theron's tattoos. And that's when I realized: Charlize Theron is really fucking hot...

No, wait! I realize that she's Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive (2007)! I did it! I solved the mystery! Get me the van, the dog, and the kerchief - I went Freddie Jones all over Esquire's ass.

So, may I present to you 2007's Sexiest Woman Alive... Charlize Theron!

Yeah. Thanks. She's OK.

Now, I don't want to diminish Charlize Theron's Who's-Now-level-accomplishment, but come on, Scarlett has to be number one. There's no question. I'm not taking anything away from Rita, but come on! We're talking Scarlett Johansson. This, Scarlett Johansson. If you're telling me a woman can take that picture and not be the sexiest woman alive, you're fucking crazy. I rest my case.

Anyway, now that all the pageantry is out of the way, let's get on to the real issue - steroids in baseball.

I'm kidding! Who gives a fuck about steroids? How could I possibly ruin a wonderful post that features the likes of Charlize Theron, Ashley Judd and Scarlett Johansson, with baseball talk? That would be madness!

In fact, to make up for the fact that I did bring up the "b" word, here's a couple bonus pictures of my friend and your favorite (Is that 2 Old School references in one post? How do I do it?) - the woman that basically has the Sexiest Woman Alive on lock for the next 7-19 years...

Scarlett Johansson

Hey, Everyone! Beers On Me! I Hit The "Dead Unknown Uncle's African Bank Account" Lottory!

FROM. Mr DANKO SALAM Who?
ACCOUNTING OFFICER IN FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. Ooooh....
BANK OF AFRICAN OUAGADOUGOU Gudzumtight. BURKINA FASO . Sounds so real thus far.

All the pleasure is mine Great grammar asshole to write this message to you in order to request your invaluable partnership for the realization of a very important transaction which must be treated with great discretion. Run on sentence much fuck-o? Discretion, eh? Sounds important! And super secret!
I ask of you from this very begining to excuses me for all the inconveniences Lets's Uses, pluralizes everythings! which my mail may cause you; all the same though we do not know each other personally Are you shitting me? We don't know each other? and we have never meet before. So you're saying we don't know each other and we've never met? You're blowing my mind, Danko. I believe firmly that a true confidence can be born from our communication If you're going to scam someone, maybe step up the translator from Babelfish and thus support a true partnership between you and I. Are you hitting on me? I'm flattered...

I am audit manager, in foreign remittance department Sounds pretty official here in Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso; That's where I make my car payments. I have been working in this banking institution for the pass Nice one Grossman 14 years. That's a career!

It was during my investigation You're a detective now? in the bank I discover Is this happening right now? that the deceased customer What deceased customer? I didn't even know anyone died. This is quite a bombshell. Deposited the sum of $29,850,000 dollar (Twenty Nine Million Eight Hundred An Fifty Thousand Dollars) Thanks for the clarification. I get real confused by numbers that big. and I notice in the file that during the deposition of this money Is the money testifying? with the Bank he did not indicate is true next of kin to the board of directors in is Paper work with the bank of Africa here in Burkina Faso west Africa. What the fuck happened to Ouagadougou? Now we're in west Africa?

After all intensive routing Investigation Slow the fuck down Sherlock. I find out that no body has ever come to put claim over the released of this money, Well why didn't you just say no body has ever come to put claim over the released of this money? I would have already called you. it is upon this I am now seizing the privilege and opportunity to contact you as to apply to the bank as a business associate to the deceased customer Mr Martin J. Hillenbrand. Wow, you're giving me the opportunity to go into business with a dead man that I've never met who is...er was related to me? Oh, Uncle Marty! My father's never spoken-of brother who fled to west Africa with his untold fortunes! I always wondered what happened to him. Shouldn't my father be contacted? Oh, right he doesn't have an e-mail account.

As a foreign partner which this money will be transfer into your account, you Are entitle to 40% of the total money why 55% will be for me Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the fuck on for a second. My cut is 40% and you get 55%? Where the fuck are you getting those numbers? I think you had best take another look at your books, buddy. You think I'm taking less than half? as the moderator of this transaction Oh! Well why didn't you say so! I totally forgot you were the moderator of this here transaction. Of course you should be entitled to 55% since you're playing business match-maker with me and a dead guy. and 5% is been mapped out for measeallanouse Not even close to the correct spelling. Though figuring out that miscellaneous starts with an 'M' is pretty good. expenditure that may be incur during the course of this transaction Of course there should be a couple million dollars set aside for miscellaneous expenditure that may be incur[red].

PROFILES OF THE DECEASED CUSTOMER Oooh good, a profile!
Mr Martin J. Hillenbrand. That was his name - don't wear it out!

The late customer Martin J. Hillenbrand he death on Friday July 5, 2003 Jesus Christ! What have you been doing for the last 4 years? I'm in the book for fuck's sake. at Commemorative Centre of Cancer of a Crisis Cardiac Commemorative! Cancer! Crisis! Cardiac! This all sounds very serious! here in OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. So now we're back in OUAGADOUGOU?

Appointee: Foreign Service officer.
Title: ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary. Titles generally start with a capital letter jerk-off.
Appointment: May 1, 1972 and Presentation of Credentials: Jun 27, 1972 Termination of Mission: Left post, Oct 18, 1976. Who is that supposed to be? What? Now, I'm lost.

The Late Ambassador becomes Businessestacom What the fuck does that mean? in his Country and here in Ouagadougou BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA. NOW WE'RE STARTING TO SHOUT!


I will urge you to go through this proposal properly Of course. and let me know if you are willing to accord me this assistance for us to achieved I feel like this might be the beginning of a beautifully constructed run on sentence that goes from here to there without so much as a semblance of order you know what I mean? this golden opportunity for the betterment of our life, Our life? Look pal, we may be business partners profiting off a dead man's inability to complete paper work while living, but we are not moving in together. I also want to let you know that this transaction is 100% risk free Of course it's risk free. there is nothing for you to be afraid off, I ain't never scrared. Except of snakes. And spiders. And loopholes. all loopholes Ahh! have been properly taking care Phew! before contacting you. Thank God, I hate loopholes.

Anxiously waiting for your prompt response. I'll get to you as soon as I clear my schedule for my trip to Africa.
Yours faithfully Good to know, fag
Danko Salam. Always good to end with a period. Good show old friend. I think I might name my fantasy football team after you.

A Great Big Bushy Beard!

Well, I had to share this seeing as how I have been growing a pretty sweet beard over the last couple months. This is one of my favorite running features on College Humor: The Graphic Truth.

Volleyballs you're friends with

Amount of time spent having sex

How often you trip on your beard

Amount of people encouraging you to keep growing "that phat beard"

Amount of people who think it looks good

Spells cast

I'll be shaving soon. Within the next two weeks definitely. I'll be scaling the entire operation back from full beard to goatee. Lauren will be returning to native shores in just over a month (!) and I need to get my act together. Here, I present to you Top 10 list of things I have to do before Lauren returns home.

10. Look at beard














9. Clean room

8. Drink case of Steel Reserve (not necessarily in 1 night, though paramedics would be impressed)



7. Play Madden '08 48 hours straight to get it out of my system

6. Haircut



5. Buy her presents (I'm nothing if not a suck-up)

4. Cut up calling card and delete pin number from my brain - Never again shall I dial 40 digits to reach someone on the telephone (That number is not an exaggeration)



3. Jarts, lots of fucking jarts



2. See The Nanny Diaries - don't tell anyone about it ever...fuck



1. Shave beard

The reason for all this pageantry? I think I needed to chronicle this part of my life: The Beard Era. It was a lonely time. It was also the time that birthed the Cousins of Ron Mexico - a good time for all of us. So enjoy the beard for now, because I'm reaching the intersection of encouragement and sarcasm and am ready to move on with my life.

So for now and forever, Viva la Beard - you may be gone, but never forgotten.

City Youth(s) Exhibit Asshole-ish Tendencies: No One Suprised

Believe it or not, there are vandals in the capital of New York. One such vandal vandalized, or “tagged” the sign for a certain college in Albany with Larry David’s favorite comedic utterance: “pussy.”

So now, just outside there is an anti-graffiti crew cleaning pussy. Working for the city’s anti-graffiti division has got to be one of the few jobs where you will get a phone call saying, “Get out to the college, you have to wash off some pussy.”

Above is my recreation of that tricky bastard celebrating “tagging” the sign while the hardworking municipal worker attempts to save the city from the tagger’s handy work. You have to wonder if this use of pussy was an indictment of the institution itself, or if it was just a simple lashing out by a misguided youth. Personally, I like to think it was a young Graffiti Artist, new to the city of Albany whose ill-advised handle is “pussy.” (No capital letters – much more “street” that way.)

All over America, young vandals have been blamed for writing “pussy” on trains, overpasses, rock walls and abandoned buildings when it was just one person with a really dumb (and dirty) pseudonym.

I for one cannot understand why people would write such a profane word. Just to get a reaction perhaps? It certainly isn’t to further the discussion of sexual enlightenment. It’s just shocking and revolting. It’s crude. It’s rude. And it’s the sign of a weak, unimaginative, immature mind. I for one would never use profanity to get a cheap laugh and I certainly wouldn’t write “pussy” just for “fuck’s” sake.