The Ladies of T.G.I.F. Series Presents: Kellie Shanygne Williams

This of course, is Laura Winslow, the apple of Steve Urkel's eye. You may have hated Laura because of how mean she was to Steve her entire life until he became "cool" as Stephon Ur-kel. Come to think of it the entire family were downright assholes to Steve. Poor bastard.

You have to hand it to Steve Urkel. He was no dumb ass. He only pined after the hottest girls. (Laura, Myra - and he eventually bedded both)

I wasn't sure where to put the TGI logo...

Do I put it over the IS HE MARRIED?

STEPPIN' OUT!, perhaps?

I certainly didn't want to cover up the title of the magazine which I didn't know existed. Even in Albany, New York they don't carry Today's Black Woman in CVS.

So I just put it over the bar code. Ooh look! Another picture!

Look at that fucking cash register! After the theme song did they say, "Family Matters if filmed in 1950?"

Also, notice how it's not a Coca Cola machine behind her - it's a White Squiggly Line Pop machine. Isn't corporate America great?

And you know that phone is rotary. How old are we?

$2? What do you think costs 2 bucks? I'm guessing it was a Monster Energy drink...

That or a steak dinner since it's apparently the 50's.

Anyway, if this post isn't enough Kellie Shanygne Williams for you, she's currently filming, Steppin: The Movie where she'll be reunited with Reginald VelJohnson. Also starring such CRM favorites like: Stciky Fingaz, Lil' Fizz, J-Boog, and of course...Big Tigger. (Not exactly the Hiphopopotamus and the Rhymenoceros, but those are pretty good rap names)

Leave Work Early And Hit The Links!

It’s Friday and you know what that means…Some female who was on an ABC sitcom on Friday nights during your youth.

That's later though. The lovely lady pictured above is golfer Natalie Gulbis. Now I know why my brother has spent so much time golfing in his life. And here I thought all golfers were like Matthew. Or John Daley.

First of all, I don’t want to toot my own horn, but *toot* I think this little blog has looked pretty f’n good lately. It only took me 7 months to master. (The first post was pretty good though. Right?) No small feet in my opinion.

On that note, I found a blog (Well, TBL found it, but I’m taking it back for the white man) I like more than mine. It’s called Introducing Liston. I’m guessing it’s written by somebody named Liston. Or they are a big Sonny Liston fan and they are introducing him in a very rude manner. I don’t think we’re ready for the “tu” form, we just met. Either way, if you want to kill some time and laugh, check it out.

As for the Amy Winehouse survey, an astounding 14 people responded! I have to say it surpassed even my expectations. Sure I voted twice (once for “no” and once for “how many Steel Reserves have I had”) but that’s still 12 people!

Discounting my votes we’re left with a landslide for “no.” My suspicions were correct! I wonder if I can archive surveys. As soon as I can figure out how to chronicle that shit, it shall be chronicled.

What else is there…

According to our heroes over at UFCjunkie.com, Brandon Vera is going to fight in the UFC again! “The Truth” is just plain sick. Nasty knees and striking ability. Here’s the video of his last fight where he...well, go ahead and see for yourself.

I’ve been patiently waiting for Vera to come back to the UFC like I’ve been patiently waiting for Chinese Democracy. Now it looks like Vera will be fighting in the octagon before year’s end. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Axl. (Album release – not octagon appearance)

Speaking of music (seamless transitions like that don't come easy) The Mathematicians are going on tour again. If you have never seen or heard them you NEED to check them out. They'll be playing Valentines in Albany September 7th and I'll be there. I'll be in a good mood because it will be less than a week before Heather and what's that other girl's name? Oh yeah...Lauren return from their year(!) abroad. Unfortunately, the girls will miss that show, but I promise I will take them both to see The Math sometime in the next calender year - even if it means I have to drive to Middletown, Connecticut in November.


TGIF girl later...

In Which I Ramble On About Sneakers And Other Things

My goal was to buy new sneakers. I did not accomplish my goal.

I went in 6 shoe stores. I visited Finish Line, Dick’s (ha!), Foot Locker and Champs twice each. Every time I saw a moderately priced pair of shoes that I liked, they didn’t have my size.

Have you ever noticed how sneakers are so fucking expensive? The cheapest “cool” pair of “kicks” I found were Gil Zeros for 95 bucks. (Alas, they are low or mid-tops...doesn't anyone care about ankle support anymore? Do sprained ankles really provide that much street cred?) Interesting fact: I just visited the Adidas site and they are out of stock. Why would Adidas have any of their own shoes?

I just don’t get the shoe industry. I saw Jordan brand with basketball material on them for 179…fuck me. First of all, the sneakers were ugly as fuck. Second of all they were ugly as fuck. Fucking Jordan.

Sometimes you have to hand it to Stephon Marbury. By sometimes, of course I mean related to sneaker prices and pretty much no other time ever. Unless you mean sweet behind the back bullet passes from the top of the key for no particular reason, then you can hand it to him then, whatever “it” is.

(Scarlett wears Reebok's, isn't she cute?)

When I was a kid I never got the really cool sneakers. It wasn’t because we were poor, it was because my parents were mean S.O.B.’s. “Sorry, Stephen. We’re not going to spend 120 dollars on a pair of shoes. It’s just ridiculous. You can get the same quality for half that.”

Sheesh. How dumb is that?

Of all my sneakers, the two biggest names I had were Jerry Stackhouse and Latrell Spreewell. I don’t even know if that’s correct. I might have made that up. I can’t find any evidence on these here internets that either of those players had their own sneakers. Who makes something like that up? I might be going all Jonathan Lee Riches on you.Anyway, after dragging Justin (yup, Justin was with me and yes he loved going in all these shoe stores multiple times) all over the mall twice, I ended up not getting any sneakers.

I was so distraught that when we went to Best Buy on our way out I almost bought Wild Hogs. My reasoning was that the day was lost and I needed to keep punishing myself. Luckily Justin talked me down using these encouraging words, “There’s nothing so bad in this world that you should submit yourself to Wild Hogs.”

After Justin got done knocking some sense into me I grabbed an HD copy of 300 from the shelf, popped it in the store’s Xbox360 and let my blood thirst grow for 117 minutes. When it was over I destroyed the “romance” section and walked over to the checkout lines where I gave a rousing speech to the cashiers…

“Just there the barbarians huddle around the in-store display, sheer terror gripping tight their hearts with icy fingers... knowing full well what merciless horrors they suffered when they watched Zoom and The Shaggy Dog, yet they stare now across the plane at me ready to throw 10,000 300 DVD’s at them... HA-OOH!”

It was around this point that some called security.

After properly psyching up the check-out-jockeys, I made Justin funnel anyone who bought Wild Hogs into the “hot gates” (automatic doors) where I was waiting with “shield” (Led Zeppelin box set) and “spear” (Guitar Hero guitar). When all was said and done mall security came and escorted us to the car because “we” (I) “were” (was) being a “nuisance.”

Apparently mall cops think that anyone yelling at customers is being a nuisance. All I was doing was swinging a plastic toy guitar at people as they left the store and following them to their cars saying things like:

“That was a terrible purchase, Persian!”

“You there, guy who bought Wild Hogs…May you live forever!”

Look, if you think I will ever grow tired of making these 300 references you don’t know me. For anyone under the age of 28, this movie is a way of life. In fact the age thing might be a whole post because older people don't seem to enjoy it nearly as much as we college age boys and girls do. I'll leave that for another day.

So if you'll excuse me, I need to go shoe shopping.

Sex-E-Mail

The following is a list of Spam I've received in the last few days.

(Completely unnecessary/unrelated picture of Elisha originally from Maxim)

Desiree Magee – Sounds like a pretty real name to me. She’s offering me Viagra pills at $1.78 a piece. You can’t beat that price.

Ceyx0522 – A birthday e-card. Anytime someone sends you a birthday card 4 months early you know they love you. Unless old sexy Ceyx is 8 months late – fucker.

Karina Ramos – Offering me savings of $6590.05 on computer software. Excuse me while I e-mail this person my credit information.

Boletazo.com.mx – Ganadores Boletazo. (Nods head)

Te – Movie-quality e-card. Good because I was sick of those newspaper quality e-cards.

Jason Rivers - $910.95 savings on photoshop – sorry, I already have version 4.0, I think I’ll be good for a couple years…

Melo ibrahim -

I am Melo Ibrahim .the director in charge of auditing and accounting section of Bank of Africa. (BOA),Ouagadougou Burkina faso West Africa with due respect and regard.I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on in West Africa, but for an area of the world with so much poverty maybe they should take some of these unclaimed millions and start a riverfront project or something. I’m just saying.

Isabelle Erickson – Wants to know if I feel insecure about my penis size. I heard Isabelle had a vagina like Lisa Lampanelli.

Banco Azteco – More gobbley-gook.

Banamex – Netflix for Betamax tapes.

Moctar Kabore – More millions from the Dark Continent. I’m telling you, the riverfront is revitalizing Baltimore it can work for Africa.

Rconrelius – A musical e-card. I hope there are lolcats involved somehow.

Banamex – At the top of my que: Gremlins 2, Short Circuit 2 and Cobra...

Staatsloterij NL – I won an internet lottery that I didn’t even enter. My “Payment Serial Number” is 4WY048-07 if anyone wants to pick it up for me.

C266bd1d.5ea6a26f – A thank you e-card. Highly unlikely that’s for me. Must have been a mix-up in the e-mail. Also, very clever e-mail address. I wonder what C266bd1d.5ea6a26f stands for?

Tia Overton – Another great deal on Adobe products.

Hassan Billy – Cafes, new sidewalks, an open air market. Maybe a summer concert series. I’m telling you, we’re going to make this happen.

Wilmer Moore – Enough with the fucking photoshop already.

Katheryn Thebes – A massage therapists mailing list. I wonder if this e-mail has a happy ending?

Jimmy Carmichael – a poem.

What? What can you do?
II. Quest and Conquest
Covering the land—
Onto my frozen fingers.
And up there I cannot tell if it is still
will be penciled on the coffeeshop menus.
Writhing their stunted limbs,
Snow haze gleams like sand.
Looms in the air, deliberate and slow,
But snow has gathered there, has piled up,
Rise, to the muffled chime of churchbell choir.
snowdrops and crocuses might be fooled
To mark that square, perhaps: were Mère and Père
Stunned in their voiceless way to be alive
Dreaming time has reversed, I watch drowned snow
And I would like
End of the comedy.
The surge of swirling wind defines
Like an old soldier, wakeful, in his tent!

I don't know what the fuck any of that means, but I'm pretty sure that the attached file is completely harmless and not a virus.

Okay, bad idea jeans. Excuse me for a moment whilst I attempt to deal with* the porn sites that keep popping up...

Ralph Robinson – Find and meet single friends in your area. Nice. I am kind of lonely what with Lauren on the other side of the world. Hmm…this girl looks cute. Kind of young but she’s probably 18. Hey, what’s Chris Hansen doing here? I swear I was just coming over to play guitar hero. I don’t know how that bucket of ice cream got in my car. No, don’t open the trunk… Alright, I can explain the lawn darts. Okay, I can see how the lube and collection of butcher knives might seem bad taken out of context, but there’s actually a very funny story…Wait wait wait – I swear that ecstasy was in the glove compartment when I bought the car – I bought it from that Fucillo guy, he’s fucking nuts! Would you really put it past him to put ecstasy in the glove compartment? You would? Fuck. Somebody get the Heavy Hitters on the phone.

*By "deal with" I mean "spend the entire day looking at."

Amy Winehouse?

So, Amy Winehouse is in rehab? Interesting since her breakthrough single is “Rehab.” Kind of seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy no? I’m not here to talk about her drinking and drugging though. I’m here to wonder if she’s attractive or not? I can’t decide. Usually, it’s so simple.

Do we need to “Hot or Not” her? I think so. Ooh! What a perfect time for me to unveil a survey! Look over to the side! Vote! It's the age old internet question whenever you see a picture - Yes or no.

I’ve seen her video. I’ve looked at her pictures. Not a bad body, but her face is on par with a “Poor Man’s Chelsea Clinton.” (Last link - not Amanda Bynes obviously)

As for her music…damn that is a catchy fucking tune. The first couple times I heard “Rehab” I thought it was a mistake. Music doesn’t sound like that. Not today. I mean, the girl is one of a kind. That’s why we need to get her out of rehab despite her daddy’s wishes.

Anyway, for further videographic evidence as to Amy Winhouse’s (un?)attractiveness watch this video.

I’m still perplexed. The huge ass hair, the tattoos, the giant mouth...

Oh who gives a fuck? She's British and talented. Get better Amy....if you get through rehab, I'll buy you a drank.

Fun With Wikipedia: Vince McMahon Edition

I wrote the following last week before Pacman's wrestling debut. Here's a shitty video of ESPN's coverage of the TNA event. (Via The FanHouse) My favorite part? Stu Scott explaining that professional wrestling is fake. Thank God! For a second there I thought the Titans worst thoughts had come true!

Now onto the main event!

I was going to write a whole long post on Pacman and Moe, but fuck me if I can figure out if Vince McMahon is involved. I guess it’s a good thing in the long run that I don’t know who exactly is in charge of whatever Three-Letter-Acronym Pacman will be involving himself in tonight. I just want to wish him success:

You there, Pacman Jones. May you live forever.

Anyway, as I was Wikipediaing (really?) Vince McMahon for super important research reasons I became absolutely hypnotized by his Wikipedia entry. I’ve been on it for over an hour now. Here, let me share my experience with you…

“In 1989, McMahon tested the movie producing waters by co-producing the Hulk Hogan vehicle No Holds Barred.”

Aside from the term, “tested the movie producing waters,” there isn’t much funny about that sentence. However, it is an opportunity to share the sweet trailer for No Holds Barred, a movie I’ll be looking for on DVD starting yesterday.

“Vince McMahon began a feud with Eric Bischoff in late 2005, when he decided that Bischoff wasn't doing a good job as General Manager of RAW. He started "The Trial of Eric Bischoff" where McMahon served as the judge. Bischoff ended up losing the trial, and Vince "fired" him, and put him in a garbage truck and it drove away.”

How great is that? I love wikipedia. It sounds like that was written by a semi-retarded 10 year old – and it probably was! Seriously, what kind of power does Vince McMahon have? He just decided this guy, Bischoff isn’t doing a good job so he puts him on trial? And he’s the judge! I have to tell you, when I read that Bischoff lost the trial, I was stunned.

And what can possibly be said about the ending?

“Vince ‘fired’ him, and put him in a garbage truck and it drove away.”

Nothing. Nothing can be said about the ending. Let me tell you, if I am ever in the position to fire someone, you know there is going to be a garbage truck waiting around the corner. You know this.

Here’s some people Vince McMahon has fired, the reason for the firing, and my initial thoughts.

Hulk Hogan - after it was proven that Hogan was indeed "Mr. America."

Seems like a strange reason to fire someone. I wonder if Ben will be fired when it’s proven that he is, indeed “Mr. Canada.”

Every WWE fan - prior to firing Jim Ross, McMahon vented his rage by "hiring" everyone who was watching him for the sole purpose of "firing" them seconds later.

Now, that is presumptuous. I’m pretty sure that the HR department would need to be involved with any hiring. There would need to be paperwork filled out and probably a background check of “Every WWE fan.” And how did McMahon know that everyone accepted the job offer?

Can you put that on your resume? Wrestling fans don’t seem like the type to have resumes, so it probably doesn’t matter.

A pyro technician - who caused a freak explosion of one of the fireworks, leading McMahon to initially believe that it was God who caused the explosion.

Wow. Just wow.

Limo driver - who nearly crashed into "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's truck. McMahon promptly dragged the driver from the car, beat him unconscious, and fired him on the spot.

That last part literally made me laugh out loud. That's a bit of overkill I think. He fired an unconcious man.

Here’s one for you:

“Stone Cold Steve Austin for his trademark drinking of beer and flipping the middle finger.”

I know some people who owe Steve Austin some royalties.

A look into McMahon’s personal life:

“Vince wanted to be a wrestler when he was young but his father wouldn't let him (he was told that promoters do not appear on the show and should stay apart from his wrestlers).”

Funny, that’s also one of the first things my father taught me.

“However, in 2007 it was reported that WWE cannot back up its claim that McMahon is a billionaire.”

Hard hitting news.

Well those are my thoughts on the incredibly wild wikipedia page for one Mr. Vince McMahon. This could possibly be a new feature. What with all the idiots putting poorly worded loosely-based-on-the-truth information on Wikipedia pages, there’s got to be something to laugh on most entries. We’ll see.