Oooh Oooh....It's Saturday

This is a gRAPh. SKEETS linked it on Deadspin this morning and it gave me a few good minutes of laughing to myself. Now here I am to share them with you.

Bonus: Luda video to go along with gRAPhical representation above.

The Ladies of T.G.I.F. Series Presents: Christine Lakin Month Pt. 2

As I mentioned last week, this November is all about Al Lambert. So until December comes around we're going to be celebrating Christine Lakin Month, bitches.

Interesting fact: Christine was in The Gameplan with The Rock. I haven't seen that movie so I don't know if she played a critical part in the film. I assume the answer is "no."

Interesting fact: Graduated UCLA Cum Laude with a B.A. in Communications (no joke need be written)

A Beautiful Zamboni Ride

Devils 4, Flyers 1

Dainius Zubrus scored two goals and people cheered for his success. Marty Brodeur face an onslaught of 14 shots and somehow managed to only give up one. Impressive. He actually left the ice to watch 30 Rock during the second period and no one noticed.

Rangers 4, Penguins 2

Yes! Sean Motherfucking Avery scored the game winner! That means we get an Elisha Cuthbert picture! (I know that they broke up. Stop being such a fag) I almost don’t care that my boy Henrik Lundqvist made 26 saves for his second win of the week!

Lightning 5, Hurricanes 1

It was a clash of weather-related teams Shane O’Brien proved that it’s much better to something something lightning than something something a hurricane. Johan Holmqvist made 40 saves which is impressive despite what those foreboding storm clouds may indicate.

Canadiens 2, Bruins 1

Rookie [savior] Carey Price stopped 28 shots last night. He’ll be 21 next August. He’s been in the NHL for about 29 days now. I’m writing hockey recaps for a blog. Fuck Carey Price.

Capitals 4, Senators 1

Holy shit. Ott-ow-ah lost! They’re now 13-2 which is pathetic. Olaf Kolzig stopped a bunch of shots and Viktor Kozlov added a goal and duex assistos. (That’s a Spanish/French-Canadian mix)

Canucks 3, Flames 2

The angry whale scored all three goals in the 2^nd period. John Turturro’s character from Mr. Deeds stopped 36 shots in the Vancouver win.

Coyotes 5, Stars 2

Steven Reinprecht scored two goals and had 1 assist. For some reason there was way too much going on in the NHL recap of this game for me to comprehend (After writing all these killer jokes about the other games, I’m just mentally exhausted) so I’ll just let you guys know that Coffee Talk took 4 out of 5 last night and climbed out of the MetLife Bowling League basement! Boo-flippin-ya! I bowled a real shitty 112 my second game, but sandwiched it between a 142 and a 155 so I didn’t slit my wrists.

Best. Mom. Ever.

Let me paint you a picture...

It's your birthday. Right before you go to school your mom tells you that you're in for a surprise. You're thinking, "Sweet, I'm finally getting that XBox360." So you go to school and wait for your surprise.

A couple periods go by and nothing happens. Finally, you get to drama class. You're reciting some of your lines for the big play and suddenly
walks through the door. The next thing you know, you're being told you're a bad boy for not doing your homework. Then
makes you get down on your hands and knees and leads you around the room smacking your ass with a whip 16 times. Then right asstarts to pull out the whipped* cream for you to rub on her, your fucking killjoy of a teacher stops the action.

What a bitch.

Special thanks to reader/bff Vinny for the [sexy] tip/excuse to Google and post these pictures.

*Editorial decision

Douchetastic Trip Back To The 90's

Okay, there’s a bunch of people on a plane and everyone is sleeping. Too bad this wasn’t flight 815.

Oh, everybody to the airport lobby to act zany. Bob! Get down from there!

Mmm…Cinabon!

“Everybody in the van we have to get where ever we’re going, like now!”

That’s a big hotel. I wonder what they’re doing here?

A shit-ton of douchebags on orange mopeds. This is the point in the video where the blood starts to boil. Pretty much right when the douche with the sideways hat and sunglasses starts to “rap” about lying on the grass.

What’s up with that douche with the big hair eating that cotton candy all crazy-like? Fuck that asshole.

By the way, nice wife-beater asshole. What is this? 1998?

Oh, it is 1998? Never mind then.

Now it’s time to drive our mopeds around (presumably) Miami.

What a surprise – he’s wearing a Yankees hat. Explanation: complete.

So this is definitely supposed to be Spring Break. I’m getting ready to take a swing at my computer.

Now the boardwalk makes me think Jersey short which only makes the doucheticity of this video grow.

“Yo, yo, yo. Check this shit out – it’s tight!”

Now we’re starting to wrap it up with the video game montage and then a large number of college kids walking behind the camera singing along to this catchy ditty.

Go carts. Fuck them. I want to ride some God damn go-carts.

Just realized there is a guy who has been wearing some sort of Safari hat the entire video. Nothing can possibly be said that would make this person feel bad about how awful a human they are, so I won’t bother.

Now we have a pregnant girl with something written on her stomach. Hopefully, it’s “kick me.”

Jet skis.

And, scene.

The Zamboni Ride Stops By The Video Rental Store

It’s Thursday and you know what we usually do on Thursdays...

Oh, you don't? Well, neither do I. I don't really have a "Thursday thing." So for today's Zamboni Ride instead of trying to make jokes, I'm just going to give you the favorite movies of all the players who scored game-winning goals last night. I think it will be an excellent opportunity for you, the reader to get to know your favorite players. Let's go!

Sabres 2, Bruins 1, OT

Rookie Clarke MacArthur scored the game-winner in OT of his first game. A good start.

Favorite Movie: Road House

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: Ghost (He loves the Swayze for a youngin)

Flyers 3, Penguins 1

Jeff Carter with the game winner early in the 1^st.

Favorite Movie: Dirty Dancing

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: The Sweetest Thing

Lightning 3, Panthers 1

Martin St. Louis in the first.

Favorite Movie: The Outsiders

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: Bee Movie

Red Wings 3, Predators 2, SO

Pavel Datsyuk in the shootout.

Favorite Movie: Red Dawn

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: Urban Legend

Blackhawks 5, Blue Jackets 2

Brent Seabrook in the third.

Favorite Movie: Black Dawn

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: Caligula

Avalanche 4, Oilers 3

Marek Svatos in the shootout.

Favorite Movie: Point Break

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: The Real Cancun

Coyotes 6, Ducks 5, OT

Shane Doan in OT

Favorite Movie: Father Hood

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: Scream 2

Stars 3, Sharks 1

Mike Modano became the highest-scoring American in NHL history with this game-winner. Bonus picture of his wife Willa Ford. (HT: The Big Lead)

Favorite Movie: Three Wishes

Favorite Non-Patrick Swayze Movie: Waking Life

Oh, did I neglect to mention the Patrick Swayze thing? A nice little twist, right?

What Would Purple Jesus Do?

I'd just like to point out that thus far I'm the only one who voted for my fantasy basketball team to win my league. (Yes, I voted twice - once at work and once at home) I have to say I'm hurt. Especially since 3(!) people have voted for my own flesh and blood to win. Judas'!

Also, this weekend was the first time in forever (a week or two?) that both my fantasy teams won. Again, a special thanks goes out to Purple Jesus for his in-fucking-sane NFL record 296 rushing yards. Kid is averaging 6.6 yards per carry through 8 fucking games. It doesn't make sense.

He's the number one pick in every fantasy draft next year.

He's going to start the Pro-Bowl as a rookie.

If he gets 25 carries a game the rest of the way He could break the season rushing record.

Did I mention Larry Johnson's sprained foot? Fuck. Me.

Anyway, Purple Jesus would finish his annotated bibliography, so that's what I'm going to be doing the rest of the day.

Quick Trip Around The Rink That Is The NHL On Our Old Friend The Zamboni (Ride)

Islanders 3, Rangers 2

My boy Henrik Lundqvist was cruising towards his second shutout in as many days when all of a sudden the God damned Islanders woke up threw a barrage of shots at him. When the onslaught was done, Lundqvist had given up 3 third period goals and the Islanders had the win. Rick DiPietro has 28 saves and a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Thrashers 2, Capitals 1, OT

Todd White’s 100^th career goal gave the Thrashers the win. There were also a bunch of penalties and lots of skating around – just like all hockey games. It was a thrilling spectacle that was enjoyed by all those in attendance.

Senators 5, Maple Leafs 1

The Senators continued to kick ass and take names last night as they crushed Toronto. Martin Gerber gave up one single goal which is a lot more than can be said of Vesa Toskala. Ott-ow-ah improved to a staggering 13-1-0. For those of you scoring at home, that’s really fucking good.

Back Later Maybe....

There will most likely be no blog post today due to the fact that I hate my job.

We Love A Good BJ On The Zamboni Ride

Blue Jackets 3, Blues 0

If you come here for a hockey fix, thanks. But if you come here for a hockey fix and you dislike the Columbus Blue Jackets and Pascal Leclaire, then you might need to find another blog because as long as this *5^th shutout of the season yesterday* keeps up, this space will be used for blowing Pascal Leclaire like he paid me and it was my sole profession. "The Pride of Whoville" stopped 21 shots on his way to lowering his season GAA to 1.12 and raise his Save % to 0.957 – both lead the league. Manny Malhotra, Rick Nash and Jason Chimera all scored for the Blue Jackets, which confused Pascal. After each goal he could be seen looking around in wonderment confused as to what the crowd was cheering for.

Senators 2, Bruins 1, SO

Tim Thomas and Martin Gerber were both sharp as tacks in the goal last night, but Thomas couldn’t stop either skater he faced in the shootout as Ott-ow-ah improved to 12-1 on the year. (FYI – that’s pretty nasty) Antoine Vermette scored in regulation and clinched the game with the second shootout goal.

Predators 5, Blackhawks 2

Alexander Radulov and Jason Arnott each tallied a goal and lent a helping stick last night in Nashville. The win stopped a personal skid for goalie Chris Mason (7 straight L’s after starting 2-0 with a shutout) so he can finally grow his hair out again. Martin Erat and Jordin Choo-choo!* Tootoo also scored. Chicago and Nashville both currently sit at an absolutely mediocre 7-7 in the Western Conference.

*Something tells me that wouldn’t be the first time he’s heard that one.