In SUPPORT of American Gladiators

I'm appalled by the negative reactions that American Gladiators is receiving. Appalled!

People are complaining about everything from the editing, to the Gladiators, to the hosts to the number of commercials (I'll give you the commercials thing)...okay, so no one likes anything. I get it - everyone thinks the show is a big steaming pile of excrement.

Well, I'm not drinking the punch.

I like the new version of Gladiators. While it's far from perfect, it does have a lot of stuff going for it. Here are 9 things you should look for and enjoy next time American Gladiators shows up on your television:

1. Hulk Hogan - He's such a bad interviewer. He says 'brother' after every sentence.

No, shit? Excuse me, but I'm going to have to call shenanigans on anyone complaining about the quality of Hulk Hogan's hosting abilities. One thing I like to keep in mind is that he's Hulk-freaking-Hogan! Where you expecting Bob Barker? Bill O'Reilly? TJ Lavin? He's wearing jeans. And a sleeveless t-shirt. And he's Hulk-Fucking-Hogan! Of course he says 'brother' every time he speaks. That's the way he's been speaking for the last 30 years! Hulk is just excited to be there - and we should be happy for the same reason.

2. This guy:I don't know if you caught the first episode, but he was awesome. Apparently, he was going to try-out for the original Gladiators 14 years ago, but got stuck in traffic. So he missed his shot at stardom(?). For the last 14 years of his life he's done the following: have sex at least once which resulted in a baby and dream about American Gladiators.

Luckily, he was able to combine those two things by using his baby as something to lift. When he does push ups, his baby is sitting on his back. He does baby-arm curls. When he does the bench press he makes his baby jump up and down on his stomach. When he runs you know that little bugger is strapped to his back.

As we all know someone who has a dream this freaking stupid deserves to be humiliated and have those dreams crushed. Lucky enough for us that little Asian kid who kept referring to himself as "a spider monkey" beat him in the Eliminator which caused SuperGladiatorFan1994 to break down in tears.

3. The other contestants.

Of course since SuperGladiatorFan1994 was eliminated, we'll never see him again. Luckily in every AG matchup there's at least one person to dislike. Sometimes two!

While it's unlikely that SGF94 will ever be topped, there are plenty of reasons to hate on the other idiots that are there. Like that person is really upbeat life-coach. And that person is a pro-skater who just wants to compete, bro. And that person is from New York City.

Schadenfreude for everyone!

4. The referee is the same guy from Dodgeball. (Hat tip: Ben60657 who mentioned this fact on The Big Lead yesterday approximately 35 times before noon)

Last night good old, Al Kaplon made a special after-the-fact ruling on one of the events. He even looked at the replay. If nothing else, the officiating in American Gladiators is going to be on the up-and-up. That just makes me feels safe.

5. Toa

Just look at this guy. Where else on prime time television can you get such horribly overt (and embraced) racial stereotyping?

Toa's real name is Tanoai Reed. He's The Rock's cousin and personal stunt double. (Ed note: The Rock has a stunt double = walls closing in, disorientation, tears)

Toa is a Somoan and judging by the fact that he was born in Hawaii, that's entirely possible. The fact that he has those tribals, (What up, Marv!) the weird skirt, and screams in tongues before events drives the point home.It's so obnoxious that you can't look away.

Basically, it's like going to Boston.


6. Crush

I covered this at TBL in brief this weekend. The main point being, "Yeah. Thanks. She's OK."

7. Every other Gladiator

Quick - which of these people was born with male genitalia? (vote above)




The answer might surprise you.

Did I mention Militia has posed in a stag mag? (What a fag - ha)

And sure Helga may be worthless in every event, but its always fun to pick on big girls. Watching contestant after contestant run right by her at the end of the Gauntlet is funny because she's pathetic!

No matter how annoying any of these characters are it's still fun as hell to watch them inflict pain on the contestants. I think the pyramid is my favorite event because I like seeing people tossed like rag dolls.

8. The injuries

So far we've had a woman blow out her knee playing Powerball and a woman finish the Eliminator with blood pouring down her face after she doinked her face off a pipe while trying to swim underneath a fire.

9. The Eliminator

Anybody who says its too long is an idiot. I love seeing these people collapse through the wall like they just finished stage 10 of the Tour de France. And if you can find anything funnier than this (flip to the 1:37 mark if you're in such a hurry)



When this woman signed up for American Gladiators I guess she should have mentioned that her two weaknesses are treadmills and inclined planes. Mike, Justin and I were dying the entire time this was going on. It was like she was hanging off the side of a building. She even kept unsuccessfully trying after her opponent finished. I like to picture the AG producers having to call the fire department to get her down like she was a cat in a tree.

As you might be able to surmise, I'll be watching the next episode as well as subsequent showings. So remember, if you were disappointed by the new American Gladiators I think you need to lighten up and enjoy the fun, brother!

Update: Oops! Forgot my hat tips: With Leather; American Gladiators Blog for some info that was peppered through the post; Awful Announcing for the video - Didn't mean to be a dickhead.)