I Need What Now?

As those of you who frequent this blog know, I'm an avid bowler. Hold on, is avid the right word? Hmm...

desirous to the point of greed : urgently eager

Umm...I guess so?

Sure let's roll with "avid."

As those of you who frequent this blog know, I'm an avid bowler. When I joined my first league this year I signed up for the United States Bowling Congress. As Mac from Always Sunny would say, "Dee, beer. That's right, bitches! I'm a Congressman. Dee - what's with the beer?"

Anyway, when you become an official member of the USBC (That's what we call it on the inside) not only do you get a cool little membership card that earns you a sweet 15-percent discount at the snack bar during league play. (Score!)

You also get a free subscription to the official USBC magazine. Being the avid bowler that I am, I decided to take a look a my complimentary magazine. What I found inside shocked me.

Apparently, I don't carry enough balls. A serious amateur bowler who only frequents one "house" should carry a minimum 2 strike balls and 1 spare ball.

I'm sorry, what's that? 3 balls - minimum?

Now, I have 2 balls, but that's misleading. One was my father's from when he used to bowl in a league when I was an infant. So that ball is about a quarter of a century old. The other ball I have was bought at Dick's Sporting Goods in a bin full of mis-drilled balls. It just so happened that one of the retard-balls happened to fit my hand just right.

I don't know if one of them is a spare ball or not. Even if I did I would have to carry it in my bare hands because I have a tiny little bowling bag that barely fits my shoes. I guess I'm going to have to get one of those mofo's with wheels.

Roy Williams Has Great Taste

You know what I like about this picture?
Everything!

Here's University of North Carolina head basketball coach, Roy Williams and the entire staff of a Hooters. Let me just say that Roy is a lucky guy, becuase I've been to a Hooters before and the girls did not look like that.

Damn you, Upstate New York! With your cold winters and your below average Hooters girls! Damn you straight to Hell!

Hat Tip to TBL reader, Robert whose last name I won't post to save his family embarrassment.

It's Super Tuesday And I'm Calling This Thing!

With .026% of districts reporting we here at Cousins of Ron Mexico are calling it for Ron Paul!


Which state you might be wondering?


Fuckin' ALL OF THEM!


Did I mention he won both the Republican and Democratic primaries? Yes, it was quite the surprise. Such a surprise that Hilary cried.

What a scoop!

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My apologies to anyone that came here from TBL expecting real news. You should have known better.

Your Half-Assed American Gladiators Post

Say isn't someone supposed to be writing something in this space? I suppose I could just post the Fucked Up Tales video again. To all of you who took the time to watch that - I apologize for raping your childhoods. It wasn't my intention. Also, I didn't make the video - I just passed it along.

American Gladiators was on last night and I started to do a dead-blog/running diary, but ended up leaving my house to watch elsewhere. Here's what I got before I left:

Firrst off, let me say that Lalia Ali looks stunning tonight. Woooo….and commercial!

The ladies up first in duck Hit and Run.

We've got Siene and Shanay. You might remember Siene because apparently she used to be a fatty, but now she's kind of cute. Good for her.

The ladies race across the bridge in what's probably the most boring event. Hulk asks

Speed Freak Evan vs. Guido Firefighter Anthony

Anthony is probably pretty happy tonight what with the Giants winning the Super Bowl yesterday.

First up for the guys is Power Ball which has ruined the livelihood of 20-something competitors via ACL tears. When you take in the violence factor Power Ball has got to be tops.

Anthony takes a quick break for some pizza-pie before we get stated. Yet again Evan can't sit still….and commercial!

Hit and Run does not disappoint. As usual

Hang Tough – Hulk makes some sort of weird monkey/ape metaphor. Very strange. Also, there's a scissoring reference.

At this point I went to Lauren's where I felt that I probably shouldn't keep writing in her presence seeing as how she sat next to me while I Semi-Live-Blogged the Super Bowl Sunday. She deserves better.

The rest of the episode took forever. It was a 90 minute episode which means 0% more action and 50% more commercials. When all was said and done the Speed Freak won easily completing the Eliminator in about 30 seconds and I don't remember who won for the women.

One thing that is disappointing is that people are starting to figure out the Travelator. This means less falling. That was bar far the highlight of most early episodes - watching people fail to climb and treadmill with a 45-degree incline.

One thing that made me laugh was watching Crush pummel the ladies in Joust. It's just good clean fun.

I also love how Hulk has taken to calling all points "big."

"You just scored 8 big points, brother."
"You just scored 2 big points, brother."
Etc.

He's a big dumb animal, isn't he folks?

The Giants Victory Helped My Family Bond

I originally posted this last night at the end of my Super Bowl Semi-Live-Blog on The Big Lead, but I kind of liked it, so I'm reposting it here. It almost looks like it was written by a real writer. Crazy right?

I guess I should sum up my thoughts in case future generations read this as an official record of what happened on this historic night. It also gives me an excuse to throw up one more picture of Elisha.

I guess the best way to explain what the Giants win means is to you that my father and brother both called me as time ran out on the Patriots magical season.

My brother called to ask if I could believe what I was seeing as his roommate lay on their living room floor drinking vodka straight. When he wakes up in the hospital in the morning I’m sure the Doctor - a Giants fan - will tell him he’s lucky to be alive. My brother’s roommate - a Patriots fan - will probably disagree.

My father then called. He grew up a Giants fan and you could hear that in his voice. He told me that he never had any doubts. I could hear my mother in the background saying “Oh please.”

While I think about how my family reacted to this historic accomplishment, I can’t help but be happy for Eli and like Peyton a little more tonight. Watching Peyton cheer on Eli from a box had to remind everyone of watching their own sibling play. Sure I never supported my brother, but if I had, I’m sure I would have been just as happy as Peyton was tonight.

Glad I could be here to provide pictures of half-naked girls for everyone while we witnessed what may go down as the biggest, most improbable upset in the history of the NFL.