Hey Whatever Happened To The Rest of Memorial Day Weekend?

Excellent question. The short of it, is that I get easily distra.... Ooh! Televised poker!

Anyway, I'm going to wrap up what I can still recall from the weekend right here. The stuff you see above is from right before the party started. As you can see, we had trick photography (The groom appears taller than the bride), fake mustaches, hats and plenty of see-gars.

As the clocked ticked towards 10, the part started to die down and we moved it next door to my house. Of course we had to pick up some at Lauren's before I could go to the new address and continue my drinking. I wasn't happy with that because I'm a child who doesn't like responsibility.

After we picked up we started to bring the booze next door. Two huge pitchers of mojitos made their way next door along with the vodka soaked fruit punch and 60 or so Jell-o shots. And the metric fuck ton of beer I'd purchased. Our living room was packed: Myself, Lauren, Mike, Katie, Foker, Kyle, Krystal, Maid of Honor Lauren and her boyfriend, Tauren. And B-Funk. I'm pretty sure that's everyone. It was like a month ago. This is one of those details that would probably be clearer had I written this when I originally intended to.

Anyway, we settled in and continued with the drinking - except for the DD's who weened themselves off for the ride home 3 and a half hours later. B-Funk had brough shitty Domino's pizza in lieu of his usual square grease bomb from Deli & Brew. I've got a 20,000 word rant about Deli & Brew for another time. (Tune in next March to read it!)

Anyway, the pizza sucked. Domino's is horrible. It makes me happy that I grew up in a tiny town where we didn't have pizza chains. (Not you pizza hut! I love you. We'll be together forever.)

The fight featured BJ Penn beating up Sean Sherk; Wanderlei Silva kicking the shit out of Keith Jardine; and Tito Ortiz disappointing in (most likely) his last fight in the UFC. Blah blah blah. You can read full recaps somewhere else on the internet.

After about an hour of the card, Tauren did like Tim Sylvia and gassed. He passed out. So we started playing Human Jenga. Those of you who aren't familiar, it's when you stack random objects on people who are passed out in a group situation. (Or Justin when he gets real drunk and goes to sleep in his room with fucking Garden State blasting at 3 in the morning.)

Anyway, its just as immature as it sounds. And just as funny. Its fun to have fun at the expense of the embarrassment of those who are unable to defend themselves. It's what makes being an American so fucking cool.

So when Tauren finally woke up (I think it was the pen up his nose that did it.) he ran outside. Of course, it was during a fight, so no one really paid any attention.

As the fight went on, we went to the task of finishing all the Jell-o shots. They were delicious. After Penn finished off Sherk (Not as gay as it sounds) the crowd began to disperse. Lauren and Heather went next door to pass out. The bride and groom to be got a ride home with Maid of Honor Lauren and her sleepy boyfriend, Tauren. It was past B-Funk's bedtime so he hurried home leaving Mike, Kyle, Krystal and Myself with a couple shots and lots off beer. And cigars.

Here's the thing about the cigars: We had talked about smoking them in doors earlier, but were rebuffed by Focker. He said we wouldn't want to smoke cigars in our house. Of course, since it was Focker after he'd had a couple drinks, we figured, "That can't be right." See, Focker, despite the fact that he might seem like the most mature because he's getting married and whatnot, isn't. He's the friend who likes to jump through fire and do generally rowdy stuff when he's been drinking.

Hence, when he said we shouldn't smoke cigars in the house, we figured we definitely should smoke cigars in the house. Drunk Focker isn't the type of person you want making your decisions. The last time he got really drunk, he ended up getting engaged.*

So once all the ladies cleared out, Mike, Kyle and I decided we should smoke some see-gars. So we clipped the ends of those sons of bitches and sparked up some tobacco. And we drank beer and watched Knocked Up which Mike and I have seen upwards of 30 times since it's hit HBO. Seriously, I'm watching it as I type this.

When Knocked Up started to wind down around 3 or 4 o'clock, Kyle and Krystal headed home leaving Mike and I sitting in a smoky living room.

When I woke up the next morning (at like 9am BTW) and opened my bedroom door, I was smacked in the face by one of the worst, heaviest stenches I've ever smelled.

It was worse than the morning after our Columbus Day party when we had mixed hard cider all around the house.

The smoke was still there, along quarter-full pitchers of mojitos, a spent Jell-O shots and a huge bowl of liquor sitting in the kitchen with fruit that had been soaking for 24 hours. And the usual post-UFC empty beer can smell. It wasn't fun cleaning up. It was almost like that stupid Dunkin Donuts commercial.



I guess the main difference is that Mike and I aren't 30 year old women living in a frat house. Other than that though - exactly the same. Right down to the shoe in the fish tank. We weren't so surprised that someone's shoe ended up in the tank. We were more confused by the fact that a fish tank had shown up in our house. We don't even have a fish.

Anyway, since it was 9am and I felt like garbage, I decided to bring a pillow and blanket out to lay down on the couch and try to fall back asleep. There wasn't really much on and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I ended up watching The Devil Wears Prada on HBO. I don't know if its the fact that I'm kind of gay or the fact that Anne Hathaway is extremely likable and attractive, but I really like that movie.

So there I lay - hungover enjoying The Devil Wears Prada. The only thing that was missing was a quart of ice cream.

When the movie ended (She made it!) Mike finally came out of his room and we went to the Deli & Brew for some lunch.

Lauren and Heather said they didn't want to come and then when we were driving home, we passed them going there. Women = decisive.

Since it was still a hung over Sunday, we decided to put on a movie. Flipping through OnDemand, I didn't want to watch The Devil Wears Prada twice in one day so we settled on Pathfinder. Pathfinder is one of those movies where the trailer looks kind of cool, but in reality, the movie is a piece of shit. Seriously, it was terrible. There was even a high-speed chase - down a mountain on sleds. Wow. I had forgotten about how bad that movie was until just now.

At this point, I don't remember anything else from the weekend....

Justin came home Monday to do laundry and drink a couple of my beers. It was nice of him I thought. He stuck around long enough to watch Stripes and... The Devil Wears Prada. Yes, I watched that movie two days in a row. What can I say? It was a powerhouse performance by Glenn Close Meryl Streep. I don't think any else significant happened.

We probably cleaned. And ate dinner. I don't remember. Leave me alone.

Oh! I know something I forgot to mention:

Remember how I said Tauren had run outside during the fight and no one noticed? Well, he threw up on our door. And off the porch. It would have been better if it had all been off the porch, but we weren't so lucky.

I guess that sums it up. We drank and somebody threw up. Sounds like I covered everything.

*I'm kidding! I completely support Focker's decision to marry Katie.

Very Funny

Courtesy of RexKramerDangerSeeker - a true photoshop hack. The original is below. It was passed along to me by another TBL commenter and used here.

Is the photo real? Probably not, but who cares. At least we know the one above is. Tyson said he didn't want a cigar.