Cousins of Ron Mexico

Mountain Brew Beer Ice: Stewart's Sauced Sports Beverage

2010-05-02T22:08:00.009-04:00

Last week as I was waiting for softball practice to begin, I received a text message from my friend Ben. The text contained the following picture and the simple caption "Mt brew."
Needless to say, I was intrigued. I showed my roommate and we vowed right there on the softball field to procure some of this mythic brew... er... Mountain Brew. As soon as our grueling softball practice ended 45 minutes later we jumped in our respective cars and headed out to different Stewart's Shops to try and find this novelty beer. We were both successful in our quests.

We each came home with a case. How could we not? A 6-pack was priced at $2.99 with a "case" (really just a flat as seen in the picture) going for $10.99. Stewart's was selling these for less than Beast. I mean, this beer was CHEAP. We would have basically been setting our money on fire and throwing the ashes out the window if we hadn't bought that much.

Later that night, I took this picture and sent it to my friend who loves cheap Stewart's beer. My friend joined a branch of the military and hasn't had a drink in months. Back when he was a lowly civilian, he would always buy a cheap 6 or 12-pack at Stewart's on the way over to my house. His response confirmed my suspicion.

"O my God. That is awesome!"
As you can see, the can uses the classic Stewart's lettering. Was Stewart's following the lead of 7-Eleven and commissioning their very own brew? I had to find out so I went to the internet. Surprisingly, I found very little information. In fact, the only thing I could find was a result on a Phish message board. That post had a link to the only (previously) known picture of Mountain Brew Beer Ice on the internet.

As that post notes, the beer is brewed by Genesee Brewing Company. Since there is no mention of it anywhere, I'm guessing this is like the ice situation at Stewart's. Maplewood Ice is the exclusive provider of ice for Stewart's so they started putting ice for Stewart's in special bags. Same goes for a lot of products in Stewart's. Same product, different packaging. Your welcome for the free lesson in Business 101. Next lesson will cost you a can of Mountain Brew Beer Ice. ($0.75)

Now that we've got all that covered, I think we can assume that Mountain Brew Beer Ice is nothing more than Genesee Ice in a Stewart's-ified can!

While that might not be the most appetizing thing in the world, it doesn't take away from the awesomeness of the packaging and absurd pricing. For people in upstate New York and anywhere else a Stewart's is present, this is the new ultimate ironic beer. It's a regional PBR. (I'm sorry, does Utica Club already hold that crown?)

The fact that the tiny stick figures on the bottom of the can are playing various sports really pushes it over the top. This is the cheap beer for the athlete in your life. The figures depict the following sports - volleyball, boxing, fishing, baseball, golf, basketball, soccer, volleyball, boxing and bowling.

Why are volleyball and boxing shown twice? I suppose one of the bowling guys could be into MMA, but that just leaves two volleyball characters which makes even less sense. These are the questions I don't want to have to answer.

So what's the final verdict? It's a cheap, cheap beer and you get what you pay for. Will there ever be a Mountain Brew sans ice? (I haven't even mentioned the fact that this is called MOUNTAIN BREW!) Perhaps a Mountain Brew Beer Cream Ale? Who knows.

What I can tell you is that the first thing I said when I cracked open my first can was "it smells like cigarette ash." Of course, for $2.99 a sixer you can get past that. You don't really taste anything after your first Mountain Brew Beer Ice anyway.

The Most Important Event In Television History

2009-12-03T10:06:00.010-05:00

Tonight is the premiere of MTV's Jersey Shore. This is the television show I didn't know I've been waiting for since I first met Tommy back in college. Sure, I never actually met him, but I met him and his friends and immediately fell in love in a completely hetero way.

Originally airing on November 20, 2003, I Have a Summer Share is unquestionably the greatest episode of True Life ever made. Whenever it came on MTV back in college, we had to watch it. It was too bad (in a really good way) to turn away.

Eventually, the episode went away. It became our white whale. Capturing it on my DVR was my roommate and my ultimate goal for years. At one point, it seemed like it was lost forever, but on December 13th of 2008, fate intervened. My girlfriend and I got up really early on a Saturday so we could drive to New York City for a holiday party with some friends. I woke up at 6am and turned on the television. For some reason I flipped over to MTV and there was Tommy in all his glory. It was like seeing an old friend.

And now tonight, a new cast of jerkoffs enter our lives. I know deep down that it won't be as magical or special as the original, but I'm sure I'll enjoy every moment of it.

Note: I don't care if this post sits here for 3 months (which it probably will). I Have A Summer Share is right up there with Poak Chops as far as I'm concerned.

Scorched Earth = Page Views

2009-10-21T20:12:00.009-04:00

Today was an icky day on the interwebs as Deadspin decided to post all the old rumors in their inbox after getting scooped on the Steve Phillips story. What most surprised me was how damn vindictive this whole thing is. I just don't get it. From my interactions with AJ, I've always found him to be a nice guy. Accessible, funny, I want to date him, yada, yada, yada.

What happened? As usual, Lozo explained it best. For some reason, AJ lost it when a story he kind of heard previously got broke'd by a mainstream source before Deadspin had it.

Believe me, I know what its like. I constantly gets scooped. Just today I opened my e-mail and got the official announcement about SpikeTV's counter-programming on November 7th to go against the Fedor Strikeforce card. I immediately started writing up a piece for The Rumble because hoping to at least get it up around the same time as the rest of the bloggers who are on the Spike's e-mail list.

Then I looked at MMAjunkie to check a date of a fight and saw that Junkie already had a post up. 2 hours before I even got the e-mail. I had been SCOOPED!

I was pretty upset. So, see? I understand.

That being said, posting those rumors was incredibly off-putting. It wasn't fun to watch. As I said in both e-mail and Twitter-form earlier today, it reminded me of a powerful scene from The Wire.

Yes, I suppose I just compared Daulerio to Marlo Stanfield. Its a simile or something.

My point is, it was like Daulerio was just doing these posts today... because.

Of course, its not just because. I imagine this has been a long time coming. These are items that have been saved for a rainy (or vengeful) day. Finally, after who knows how much prodding, AJ started to empty his inbox and unloaded on people that lots of readers have probably never heard of. Why now after a stupid story about Steve Phillips? This isn't even a story that the non-sporting news cycle will probably touch. This seems like something that's been building as the Dark Side beckoned young AJ.

But, for now, ESPN, go in peace. I hope that 6 p.m. meeting went well. I think the one person who probably enjoyed this the most today (besides Nick Denton) is Sean Salisbury.

[...]

Sleep tight, Bristol...

No clues there. It could always be as simple as page views - today was heee-uge if you're counting the eyeballs on Deadspin. It reminds me of the bump in traffic Deadspin received when the Erin Andrews hit the fan. Of course, back then we were all saddened that some asshole had ruined our good time.

Look, we're here to laugh and have a good time and make the occasional lewd jokes and that won't be abandoned for the sake of reaching some higher moral ground to rise above this unfortunate situation.

Indeed.

What Have I Been Writing!?

2009-10-13T20:46:00.004-04:00

It's been a few days since I checked in to tell everyone about the things that I wrote other places that you've probably already read. Geri Halliwell was [picture of girl] at some point this weekend.

Pigskin Pigsplosion - TBL
I think I went 8-6 this week! Don't look now, but somebody's over .500!

New York Times (Finally) Warms Up To MMA - The Rumble
In the past there have been some dumb articles on MMA at the NYT. This was the first one I'd seen there that was positive. I like it when my blood doesn't boil. What a weird phrase. What is my blood doing now? Simmering? What's a word for room temperature water? I guess room temperature will have to work.

Ortiz Draws Griffin At UFC 106 - The Rumble
I didn't think Forrest would be back until like 2011 or something. I wonder if Tito is still going to come out to Mosh? Or maybe he goes old school with some Bizkit? Or maybe a cut from Korn's upcoming release?

Instant Replay in Baseball?? - TBL
I think there should be more instant replay in baseball. People that also thought that argued.

Phoenix Mercury Win WNBA Title - TBL
I cover all the important stuff when I work weekends at The Big Lead. Fun fact: I stole the joke about the Indiana Fever sounding like a corn disease from my roommate. True story.

The People Scheduling The MLB Playoffs Are Idiots - TBL
The game ended after 1:30am on the East Coast. Did I say idiots? I mean those people were brilliant.

WEC 43 Recap - The Rumble
This was a really kick-ass event. I watched Sunday morning and night on DVR. The second viewing was to take notes that became the recap.

There were also some link posts and a Chuck Liddell on DWTS post on The Rumble that you can find here. There's a great video of new UFC Octagon Girl Natasha Wicks at the bottom of page 1. I can't recommend that highly enough.

There are also more smaller pieces at TBL. Author page here. Ooh! Cheerleaders!

Feel free to tell me about all the things you love about me in the comments.

New Post on The Rumble about UFC 105

2009-10-07T14:13:00.003-04:00

New post at The Rumble - UFC 105 Officially Announced

Don't let the title fool you - the post is interesting and hilarious. (Not really, but there are 2 jokes in there. I promise.)

See, I get press releases from the good people at SpikeTV and I never really had anything to do with them. I used to just glance at them and then go back to my nap. Now that I'm writing about MMA at The Sporting News, I have something to do with the releases. I can write posts about the information they provide me with! Sometimes I even put on my little press hat.

Anyway, the post is about the now official line up for UFC 105 in November. The card takes place in England so it will be tape-delayed, which I hate. I'm sure I covered that before.

Hello World (Again)

2009-10-06T20:08:00.002-04:00

The title doesn't really make much sense, I know. I never really went anywhere. I've still been on the internet. There are details of my wwwearabouts (get it?) in the post that's been up for the last 8 months. I thought about just updating it with my newest current blogging exploits, but I figured what the hell? Why not just dust off this WWW and get back to writing about what really interests me - Me.

That and TV and movies and music and stuff. I haven't really written much about that stuff lately. I've been mainly focusing on MMA over at The Rumble and general sports at The Big Lead. Other than that, blah blah blah. It just felt like the right time to start writing here again.

I'll also be taking a page from Tyler Duffy's book... er... blog and start doing linky things with the stuff I write elsewhere. This will again be the major depot for all things CRM. Just the way you all liked it.

Those of you who have been following my ascent to greatness will notice that you can find my real name on both TBL and The Rumble. It's true, I'm named after The Little Giant ladder system. Wait, what?

Anyway, yeah. Here I am. Nice to be back. I'm looking around and seeing all sorts of classics. Hey, I forgot all about that! Timeless. Boy it's good to be back.

New Content Coming Soon...

2009-10-01T10:43:00.001-04:00

(Possibly)

Putting Down The Blog

2009-01-08T22:09:00.007-05:00

Update: In addition to TBL and MLJ, I started an MMA blog - Blood, Booze and Bruises. It's awesome and you should read it and comment.

Well, as you can see, the blog has slowed down. Other venues have presented themselves over the last year that contributed to this day. I'm not saying I'll never post here again, but for now, I have other outlets for my creativity. For the immediate future, this blog will be a frame of reference for my newer work.

If you're still stopping by with your fingers crossed that you might catch some of my newest thoughts there are two not-so-new destinations where you can still read me. By now, I'm sure you're aware that I write for The Big Lead.

I post link roundups during the week as well as random stories. If you have any submissions or suggestions, send them along to alumnigonzo@gmail.com. I also cover every third weekend all by myself.

Or... You can find me at Major League Jerk where I am now contributing on a(n almost) daily basis. I'm working on MLJ with some of my best internet friends and it's a site that I've grown to enjoy a great deal. It's fairly well-written and mostly remains on the topic of sports. Please, swing by and check it out.

And finally, you can follow me on Twitter.

I'm not 100% certain whether or not I'll return to this blog, but if I don't... it was a lot of fun. Thanks to everyone who linked, read and commented. Again, if you need to contact me, my e-mail remains, alumnigonzo at gmail dot com.

Thanks again,

Stephen/CRM

Old People Give Great Advice

2008-10-15T23:28:00.006-04:00

What's that? They didn't wear seat belts when you were allowed to drive? What do you mean music was better?

I swear it's not because I just tried to pick up Brad Johnson in one of my fantasy leagues. It's just that, this is a guy who has turned the ball over in something like 18 straight games. He drops the ball more than I (metaphorically) do.

And all because some crazy old man told him he probably could.

After saying he'd try to play, Romo's streak of 32 consecutive starts is now in the hands of Cowboys coaches and medical staff.

Really? 32 games? 2 seasons?

Fuck. You.

Who gives a shit about streaks like that? Oh, well, Ryan Leaf once started 3 straight games! He's so good! So ridiculous.

Romo isn't that good. I don't know if anyone has take the time to watch him play, but the Cowboys continually win in spite of him. (Playoffs excluded!) It could have something to do with the talented offensive line, running backs, wide receivers, tight end and... oh, those are the only positions besides quarterback?

You know how much something has to bother me to get me to blog here two days in a row? What a stupid fucking story. I know I joke, but seriously...

HE CAN'T HOLD ONTO THE BALL WITH 10 FUNCTIONING FINGERS!!!

What Did I Do To Deserve This?

2008-10-14T22:00:00.004-04:00

When I saw this rumor floated on Deadspin this afternoon, I almost fainted. The rush of blood to my head was unsettling to say the least. By the time I came to, it was 5pm and it was time to go home. I had forgotten all about it.

Of course, I sat down tonight and clicked over to ESPN. Why?

It's every sports writer's wet dream. Why whatever did Brett say!?

Predictably, Favre advised Romo to do everything possible to avoid the sideline, explaining how he played though the agonizing pain of a fractured thumb to maintain his streak with the Green Bay Packers.

Ed Werder left out part of the conversation. Luckily, I was able to obtain part of the transcript between turnover machines:

Favre: You want to know how to turn the ball over with style and flair, Tony? Romo: Shucks yeah, Brett! *Smiles* Favre: OK, first you play hurt - especially if it's to the detriment of your team. Romo: Golly!

Favre: You play hurt - they'll love ya.

Romo: *Smiles*

Favre: No matter what!

Romo: *Texts Jason Whitten*

Favre: The hometown writers will never write anything like this (or this or this or this) about you again.

Romo: Gosh!

Favre: And the national writers will give you a complete pass. You'll be a gunslinger!

Romo: Sheesh! So no more articles like this?

Favre: You got it!

Romo: Oh, boy! I'm going to have Jess make me a sling.

Aaaaand... scene!

Seriously, Romo already fumbles the ball 4 times a game (not an exaggeration). Can you imagine the damage he'd do with a broken pinkie? The hillbilly would drop his pants every other play if he's got a broken finger.

Brainsplosion: James Posey Edition

2008-10-07T22:32:00.003-04:00

Really?

I'm going to try not to freak out.

I'm not going to go into all this again. I just can't do it to myself. It's bad for the heart. I just felt like I should capture this moment in time. The night I was working on some homework and I skipped over to ESPN.com to be greeted with this feature.

A feature about James Freaking Posey. A guy who has a career average of 9.2 points per game.

The picture makes him look like a Don. Go ahead, kiss the ring. What's that? You don't think the Hornets are a mortal lock for the championship? Please.

James Posey is the spoon that stirs the drink. He's the bee that pollinates the championship flowers. He is the twist tie that helps keep your bread fresh. He is the bottle opener on your friend's key chain that you really need when you're drinking Sam Adams because you left your keys at home because your roommate drove.

He is the final piece in the championship puzzle. He's the guy that goes out there and plays because you should really have 5 players at once. He's my new favorite player.

This has been another ringing endorsement.

2008 Bejing Ol-Chimp-ic Closing Ceremonies

2008-09-05T17:59:00.006-04:00

What an eventful 36 days of events that was! We have some new national heroes and for that, we can all be thankful. Unfortunately, we also got to know some naughty little monkeys who have become infamous of the last month.These two were a real disappointment. On the left we see the the disgraced boxing chimp who was disqualified for the use of banned amphetamines.

The Judo-Weightlifting chimp was also tested positive for an illegal PED. He would have been the first Ol-Chimp-ian to medal in two sports.

Then there was the disappointment on the basketball court. The gold medal favorites in basketball experienced an embarrassing loss to the Puerto Rican chimps. You could tell they were only interested in selling shoes.

Not all of the Ol-Chimp-ians let our country down though. Unquestionably, the feel-good story of the entire Ol-Chimp-ics took place in the pool.

See you in October!

The 2008 Bejing Ol-Chimp-ics

2008-08-01T17:21:00.005-04:00

I saw this on Best Week Ever and had no choice. There's just something about monkeys in people clothes that is both timeless and hilarious. Just look at these two Ol-chimpians. So many questions come to mind:

What are a boxer and a weightlifter doing together?(Performance enhancing drugs perhaps?)

Is the one on the right even a weightlifter? He's dressed like he's going to Karate class.

Oh - and here's a picture of a chimp playing basketball. What is he doing wearing pants!?

Oh, Well...

2008-07-31T18:54:00.005-04:00

I really didn't intend on getting swept up in the whole "Manny to the Marlins" thing. Hell, I hadn't even heard about it until yesterday morning.

"Hmm..." I thought, "Manny Ramirez is pretty damn good at hitting a baseball. He would make the Marlins' lineup better."

At first, I wrote the rumors off. Going after high-priced stars isn't really the Florida Marlins' "way."

Then the rumors started to swirl and gain traction. (It was dizzying and easy to remain steady all at once.) By early evening the trade was a "done deal." The important stuff had been worked out and all that was left was picking a couple names out of a hat, lighting a victory cigar and the shaking of some hands via e-mail.

By the time ~~Project Runway came on~~ the Marlins were enjoying their 5-run 4th last night things began to unravel. Talks started to stall and the wheels began to fall off. The Marlins didn't want to give up their prized young prospect, Mike Stanton. (This Stanton character had better end up being a really fucking good player, might I add.)

When I went to bed, all I could think about was Manny Ramirez. I'm pretty sure I dreamed about him.

When I woke up, I saw that nothing had transpired and knew it probably wasn't going to happen. Having a Hall-of-Famer in the lineup to finish the season just wasn't in the cards.

Of course the rumors wouldn't die. At various times throughout the day the trade was on or dead. By 4 o'clock I was ready to throw my computer off my desk. I must have Googled the man a thousand times today.

When it was reported that the LA Dodgers had snuck in at the last minute and basically just replaced the Marlins in the deal, I was a broken man.

Then I remembered that the Marlins were only 1.5 games out of first. Shit man, we'd gotten this far without Manny, we could make it the rest of the way. The Mets are still a volatile melting pot of a club house and remain a misplaced chalupa away from a season ending race riot. Then there's the Phillies - I don't think they've ever won a post-season series in their history. (Someone want to check on that one for me? Thanks.)

And on top of that, the Marlins are only 3 games out of the Wild Card. Shit - second place in the division could be good enough for the Playoffs. This might just work out.

Besides, who wants to rent a goofy, dread-locked, clubhouse cancer like Manny Ramirez anyway?

There is a reason for this....

2008-07-22T15:24:00.002-04:00

During my immense struggles this afternoon to get a picture into the PM Roundup over at The Big Lead I attempted to post this picture here so I could use the link - which didn't work. Wordpress was giving me a bear of a time today with the pictures. Luckily a fellow blogger helped me out and the issue was resolved. That of course doesn't mean that I didn't want to throw my computer over the wall of my cubicle.

New Orleans Hornets Crowned 2008-2009 NBA Champions With Signing Of James Posey!

2008-07-16T17:13:00.004-04:00

Young Champ.

Holy crap! Did you guys hear the Hornets signed James Posey? Wow!

Posey averaged 7.4 points, 4.4 rebounds and 1.5 assists last year for the Celtics.

He does that every game?

/Eyes widen

Every single game!?

/mouth agape

Oh, boy! Looks like we can engrave the trophy right now. Not only does Posey score upwards of 7 points a game, but he hands out nearly 2 assists in every contest.

Of course James Posey is one of those players that transcends statistics. Posey leadership skills and other intangibles have helped to lead the Miami Heat and Boston Celtics to championships in the past few years.

"Hustle wins games, but I win championships" - James Posey

Posey carried the Heat to the 06-07 title, averaging 7.3 ppg, 5.7 rpg and .9 apg. Posey showed a willingness to let his teammates try and win games that post season by teach a young unproven Dwayne Wade how to win. Wade used Posey's lessons to score 28 points a game that post season. Posey's intangibles also helped Wade to shoot 250 free throws during the course of post season play. Shaquille O'Neal has often said that the championship he won with the Heat was the easiest because he just had to - and I quote - "Sit back and watch James Posey do this thang."

Celebrating the first of ~~two~~ what will be many titles.

Just two short seasons after Posey showed the Heat how to win, he went to Boston where he redefined the careers of three perennial all-stars. Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett were three popular players who just couldn't win the big one until they were allowed to play with James Posey.

~~Hopefully~~ Inevitably, Posey will now take the New Orleans Hornets to the promised land. Posey, who signed a 4-year, $25 million contract today, will surely help Chris Paul reach his potential. Posey's ability to hit a wide open jump shot 3 to 4 times a game (!) will surely help Paul get over the hump and win his first MVP award.

I'm going to book a plane ticket and hotel for New Orleans next June so I can celebrate James Posey's 3rd championship. That is, once the Hornets have completed the sweep or whatever loser team from the Eastern Conference didn't sign James Posey.

Ha! ha ha ha

/falls out of chair laughing

Sorry. I just went into a laughing fit thinking about the fatal flaw that 29 franchises have - They had the opportunity to sign James Posey and they didn't. Fools!

The Memphis Grizzlies proved to be the worst franchise in the history of sports when they failed to win a championship despite the fact that James Posey played for them. Oh.. and the same goes for the Nuggets and Rockets too. In a completely unrelated coincidence, these teams didn't feature any future Hall-of-Famers, either.

It's going to be so sweet when the Hornets win the championship next year. It definitely wouldn't be because the Hornets were a year older, wiser and better. It will be because of the influence a career journeyman (This is his 6th team in 10 seasons!) who happened to luck into two great situations because he fit under the cap and can defend and hit open jumpers.

Now that Posey has signed with a team that many thought could win the title last year in their first year in the playoffs, I'm sure he'll teach us all what it takes to win all over again.

My Celebrity Encounter

2008-07-14T22:38:00.004-04:00

When I was blogging over at The Big Lead this weekend, I made a passing mention that I met a celebrity the day before. Of course, no one was paying any attention to anything I wrote that day - Or at least that's what the comments imply. So here, exclusively, is my story of hob-knob-ery with someone you might recognize.

Saturday afternoon, Lauren invited me to go to her neighbor's big annual party. Her neighbor is an older gentleman who I have interacted with once in my life. At the beginning of the summer, I helped him bring his mini-fridge out of his shed and set it up by his pool.

Not that it matters in the context of this story, but this guy's backyard rules. He's got a roof that goes from his house to near the edge of the in-ground pool and underneath the roof he has a television with cable, fridge full of beer and a picnic table. If you were going to set up your backyard, this is what you would have in mind.

Anyway, every summer this guy and his wife have a big party with karaoke and booze and whatnot. It's a big to-do.

We were there for a short while and Lauren and I went to sit down with her grandparents who know the neighbor. We were sitting there for a few minutes when an old lady came and sat down next to us so she could smoke a cigarette. It quickly became apparent that she was a feisty gal.

I wasn't really paying any attention to her when I heard her say something about Family Guy. It was odd. What was something her age doing, making Family Guy references? I eventually realized she was saying her grandson worked on Family Guy. I perked up because I'm not used to older people talking about Family Guy.

What does he do?

He's a lead animator.

Oh, wow. That's cool. Small world. Then she dropped this bomb:

You know Peter's mother? Thelma?

Yeah.

Then she pointed to herself.

She drinks, smokes and chases younger men.

Then she explained that she doesn't chase younger men. Though she was smoking and the entire time was complaining about the lack of hard liquor. When we told her we thought there might be some inside, she seemed quite pleased.

We sat there and talked to her for a good 15 minutes before she left us to search for the hard stuff. In that time she told us about the hard work that went into her grandson making it in Hollywood; the great jewelry that used to be made in the Capital Region; how raunchy she thinks Family Guy is; her friends and family in Rome; her many trips to Vegas; and the fact that Seth McFarland often inquires about her love life.

Cool New Movie Incredibly NSFW

2008-07-13T03:36:00.006-04:00

Not an hour ago the following e-mail hit my inbox:

I saw this on Attack of the Show. At first I thought it was fake. Apparently, it's a real movie.

The body of that e-mail in no way prepared me for what would follow when I clicked the link contained within. Really, no description could have prepared me for what I was about to view.

The pure unadulterated awesomeness that follows is the trailer for a very real movie simply titled, Donkey Punch.

I just don't know what you can say about something like this. This is kind of like the first time I saw the trailer for Black Sheep. Only there is much more disbelief and awe this time.

They named a movie after one of the most vile, degrading, outlandish, offensive acts in the history of civilization. This is something people with a crass sense of humor only joke about. An act that only the most depraved human beings would even begin to consider with an modicum of seriousness. We're talking about a donkey punch here, people.

The fact that I just Googled that term probably will result in my name being added to a list that bars me from future employment with any and all Fortune 500 companies.

This movie has to be the new Snakes on a Plane, right? If I know anything about the internet, fake posters and trailers using perverse sexual acts to build plots of horror films on should become all the rage in the coming weeks.Now, I've just watched the trailer for the 4th time and I'm starting to wonder about some things... For instance - How does one so debonairly bring up the donkey punch? I mean, you're chilling with some new friends, talking baseball and favorite ice cream flavors... so how exactly does one broach the subject so fluidly as to not alarm anyone?

And even if the dumb-shit girl does say - with wide eyes - "No! What's a donkey punch?" Even the dumbest, most adventurous, most "hardcore" girl would probably say, "Hmm... that's not for me."

Of course, that's not taking into account the angel dust or meth you're going to smoke. Once a girl has had a hit of the good shit, they're down for anything while they're being video taped and screamed at by some friends.

At this point, it's rape, (Don't argue, frat boys.) so, you might as well give her a haymaker to the back of the noggin.

Anyway, despite the fact that I haven't seen the movie, I don't want to give away any more spoilers. I'll instead turn my attention to the press surrounding the film.

Empire calls Donkey Punch - and I quote - "The sexiest most shocking film of the year." Wow.

Here's the official website. Wow. Don't click on that at work. Just... wow. I can't wait for this to hit American soil. It's going to be a shit show.

I've Been Burnt

2008-07-10T07:52:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure I gave a small introductory post about Major League Jerk a couple months ago and never though anything else of it. I figured that blog would last about a week and be a complete train wreck. Well, I was right about the train wreck part, but the blog has been going strong* for like 2 months or something.

Made up of commenters from The Big Lead, MLJ has turned into a fairly comprehensive and sporadically (I'm being generous here.) funny baseball blog. They even do game recaps - so you know they're for real!

Anyway, one of the contributes (and I use that term loosely) "interviewed" me recently. The "Contributer," "clown" (A pretty dumb name as far as internet monikers go, but he's Mexican and clowns are like Gods down there, so he doesn't realize how dumb a name it is. You want to laugh? You should see his real name.)

I'm aware that I just put three words together and trailed off into parenthesis. I can do whatever I want, it's my blog.

And that is the line of thinking that clown used when he posted our "interview." Read it for yourself over at Major League Jerk, a site I don't completely hate.

*strong = sucks

UFC Fight Night: Breaking News

2008-07-08T22:25:00.008-04:00

On Saturday, July 19th at 9pm, SpikeTV will broadcast UFC Fight Night 14. The fight will be shown live, from The Pearl at The Palms in Las Vegas. Oh yeah...

... I just found out this afternoon, that I'll be in attendance. That's right - I'm going to Las Vegas.

It will be my first ever trip to Vegas. Hell, it'll be the first time in my life that I go West of Michigan.

I sure hope my flight has a stop-over in Idaho. I want to see all the sites. I mean, I've been a huge fan of potatoes my entire life. Baked. Mashed. You name the pota... Wait a second...

What am I talking about? UFC! ~~Las Vegas!~~ Vegas, baby! Please send money for me to gamble away! Unlike TBL I'm not too proud to take a handout. Now if someone would just explain to me how PayPal works...

I'll be releasing more details as I learn them.

Three things I do know at this point in time:

1. I'll be staying somewhere in this area.

2. I'll be seeing a current UFC Title Holder making his debut in a new weight class.

3. I'll be posting sporadically the entire weekend. Of course, I have no idea what sporadically means. Is a single post with a picture of me outside the hotel and the words "Holy shit, this is awesome!" considered sporadic?

Hopefully, my trip doesn't end up like this.

Dale Earnhardt Is A Big Mo

2008-07-07T22:23:00.005-04:00

I was in the grocery store the other day buying groceries to eat. When I was done picking out the groceries that I was going to purchase I made my way to the checkout lines because that's what good upstanding members of society do.

As I was standing there, waiting to put my groceries on the little conveyor belt, something caught my eye. Well, well, well. Look at that shit right there. It's one of my favorite "athletes" of all time, Dale Earnhardt Jr. And he's on a candy bar!

While I'm fairly certain I would have noticed a Dale Jr. candy bar under any other circumstance, the fact that this one said "Big Mo" on it really stood out to me. I can't imagine what anyone involved in this was thinking. I mean, this candy bar is gay.

Forrest Griffin is the New 205 lb Champ! Hell F'n Yeah!

2008-07-06T03:24:00.003-04:00

I could hardly enjoy one of the best fights of the year because my stomach was in knots for 25 minutes as Forrest Griffin defeated Quinton "Rampage" Jackson to earn the light heavyweight championship. It was retarded. I need to try to sleep and digest the incredible performance I just witnessed.
Did I mention how fucking excited I am right now? You couldn't ask for a better fight.

Forrest Griffin vs. Stephan Bonner

2008-06-30T23:09:00.002-04:00

This is the fight that put the UFC on the map. (Did I already say that?)

With Forrest-Rampage this Saturday, I thought it would be a good time to look back at one of the best fights in UFC history. I can barely sleep.

forrest griffin vs. stephen bonner. best fight ever

"The Mex Man"

2008-06-27T17:08:00.004-04:00

Really? It just sounds dumb.

Please don't call me that.

Come on over to The Big Lead to hang out this weekend.

Send tips to alumnigonzo@gmail.com

Hat Tip on the ridiculous photoshop goes to RexyNomo over at Major League Jerk.

Hey Whatever Happened To The Rest of Memorial Day Weekend?

2008-06-21T10:16:00.006-04:00

Excellent question. The short of it, is that I get easily distra.... Ooh! Televised poker!

Anyway, I'm going to wrap up what I can still recall from the weekend right here. The stuff you see above is from right before the party started. As you can see, we had trick photography (The groom appears taller than the bride), fake mustaches, hats and plenty of see-gars.

As the clocked ticked towards 10, the part started to die down and we moved it next door to my house. Of course we had to pick up some at Lauren's before I could go to the new address and continue my drinking. I wasn't happy with that because I'm a child who doesn't like responsibility.

After we picked up we started to bring the booze next door. Two huge pitchers of mojitos made their way next door along with the vodka soaked fruit punch and 60 or so Jell-o shots. And the metric fuck ton of beer I'd purchased. Our living room was packed: Myself, Lauren, Mike, Katie, Foker, Kyle, Krystal, Maid of Honor Lauren and her boyfriend, Tauren. And B-Funk. I'm pretty sure that's everyone. It was like a month ago. This is one of those details that would probably be clearer had I written this when I originally intended to.

Anyway, we settled in and continued with the drinking - except for the DD's who weened themselves off for the ride home 3 and a half hours later. B-Funk had brough shitty Domino's pizza in lieu of his usual square grease bomb from Deli & Brew. I've got a 20,000 word rant about Deli & Brew for another time. (Tune in next March to read it!)

Anyway, the pizza sucked. Domino's is horrible. It makes me happy that I grew up in a tiny town where we didn't have pizza chains. (Not you pizza hut! I love you. We'll be together forever.)

The fight featured BJ Penn beating up Sean Sherk; Wanderlei Silva kicking the shit out of Keith Jardine; and Tito Ortiz disappointing in (most likely) his last fight in the UFC. Blah blah blah. You can read full recaps somewhere else on the internet.

After about an hour of the card, Tauren did like Tim Sylvia and gassed. He passed out. So we started playing Human Jenga. Those of you who aren't familiar, it's when you stack random objects on people who are passed out in a group situation. (Or Justin when he gets real drunk and goes to sleep in his room with fucking Garden State blasting at 3 in the morning.)

Anyway, its just as immature as it sounds. And just as funny. Its fun to have fun at the expense of the embarrassment of those who are unable to defend themselves. It's what makes being an American so fucking cool.

So when Tauren finally woke up (I think it was the pen up his nose that did it.) he ran outside. Of course, it was during a fight, so no one really paid any attention.

As the fight went on, we went to the task of finishing all the Jell-o shots. They were delicious. After Penn finished off Sherk (Not as gay as it sounds) the crowd began to disperse. Lauren and Heather went next door to pass out. The bride and groom to be got a ride home with Maid of Honor Lauren and her sleepy boyfriend, Tauren. It was past B-Funk's bedtime so he hurried home leaving Mike, Kyle, Krystal and Myself with a couple shots and lots off beer. And cigars.

Here's the thing about the cigars: We had talked about smoking them in doors earlier, but were rebuffed by Focker. He said we wouldn't want to smoke cigars in our house. Of course, since it was Focker after he'd had a couple drinks, we figured, "That can't be right." See, Focker, despite the fact that he might seem like the most mature because he's getting married and whatnot, isn't. He's the friend who likes to jump through fire and do generally rowdy stuff when he's been drinking.

Hence, when he said we shouldn't smoke cigars in the house, we figured we definitely should smoke cigars in the house. Drunk Focker isn't the type of person you want making your decisions. The last time he got really drunk, he ended up getting engaged.*

So once all the ladies cleared out, Mike, Kyle and I decided we should smoke some see-gars. So we clipped the ends of those sons of bitches and sparked up some tobacco. And we drank beer and watched Knocked Up which Mike and I have seen upwards of 30 times since it's hit HBO. Seriously, I'm watching it as I type this.

When Knocked Up started to wind down around 3 or 4 o'clock, Kyle and Krystal headed home leaving Mike and I sitting in a smoky living room.

When I woke up the next morning (at like 9am BTW) and opened my bedroom door, I was smacked in the face by one of the worst, heaviest stenches I've ever smelled.

It was worse than the morning after our Columbus Day party when we had mixed hard cider all around the house.

The smoke was still there, along quarter-full pitchers of mojitos, a spent Jell-O shots and a huge bowl of liquor sitting in the kitchen with fruit that had been soaking for 24 hours. And the usual post-UFC empty beer can smell. It wasn't fun cleaning up. It was almost like that stupid Dunkin Donuts commercial.

I guess the main difference is that Mike and I aren't 30 year old women living in a frat house. Other than that though - exactly the same. Right down to the shoe in the fish tank. We weren't so surprised that someone's shoe ended up in the tank. We were more confused by the fact that a fish tank had shown up in our house. We don't even have a fish.

Anyway, since it was 9am and I felt like garbage, I decided to bring a pillow and blanket out to lay down on the couch and try to fall back asleep. There wasn't really much on and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I ended up watching The Devil Wears Prada on HBO. I don't know if its the fact that I'm kind of gay or the fact that Anne Hathaway is extremely likable and attractive, but I really like that movie.

So there I lay - hungover enjoying The Devil Wears Prada. The only thing that was missing was a quart of ice cream.

When the movie ended (She made it!) Mike finally came out of his room and we went to the Deli & Brew for some lunch.

Lauren and Heather said they didn't want to come and then when we were driving home, we passed them going there. Women = decisive.

Since it was still a hung over Sunday, we decided to put on a movie. Flipping through OnDemand, I didn't want to watch The Devil Wears Prada twice in one day so we settled on Pathfinder. Pathfinder is one of those movies where the trailer looks kind of cool, but in reality, the movie is a piece of shit. Seriously, it was terrible. There was even a high-speed chase - down a mountain on sleds. Wow. I had forgotten about how bad that movie was until just now.

At this point, I don't remember anything else from the weekend....

Justin came home Monday to do laundry and drink a couple of my beers. It was nice of him I thought. He stuck around long enough to watch Stripes and... The Devil Wears Prada. Yes, I watched that movie two days in a row. What can I say? It was a powerhouse performance by ~~Glenn Close~~ Meryl Streep. I don't think any else significant happened.

We probably cleaned. And ate dinner. I don't remember. Leave me alone.

Oh! I know something I forgot to mention:

Remember how I said Tauren had run outside during the fight and no one noticed? Well, he threw up on our door. And off the porch. It would have been better if it had all been off the porch, but we weren't so lucky.

I guess that sums it up. We drank and somebody threw up. Sounds like I covered everything.

*I'm kidding! I completely support Focker's decision to marry Katie.

Very Funny

2008-06-17T18:37:00.003-04:00

Courtesy of RexKramerDangerSeeker - a true photoshop hack. The original is below. It was passed along to me by another TBL commenter and used here.

Is the photo real? Probably not, but who cares. At least we know the one above is. Tyson said he didn't want a cigar.

This Is U2, Right?

2008-06-12T22:21:00.003-04:00

The first time I saw this, sans audio, I thought it was Scott Weiland. I cursed my roommate out for changing the channel.

Then I saw the commercial with sound. Sounds like - looks like - smells like - U2. Apparently, it's not. It's Chris Martin and Coldplay.

Fuck if that's not a catchy song.

Ahh! Get out of my fucking head!

Is Today A Good Day To Box The Field? (Ouch!)

2008-06-07T10:35:00.009-04:00

So, Casino Drive has been scratched from the Belmont Stakes. Do you know what that means?

Ah! Shit. That hurt.

Oh, did I mention I went to the Emergency Room and got stitches last night? (Ouch) How could I? (Fuck) I've barely written anything. If you'll indulge me, I'll tell you my harrowing tale.

So I was washing dishes...

*Hangs head in shame*

I'm a woman.

So I put my hand inside a drinking glass to wash it and the sheer force of my massive ~~hands~~ meat hooks caused the glass to burst slicing my pinky finger from my second to third knuckle. There was a lot of blood.

I walked next door and politely asked Lauren to drive me to the hospital. She's says I was as white as a ghost, but I'm pretty sure I looked really cool.

We got to the hospital and waited. The wait wasn't too long because it was early evening - before all the Arbor Hill gun shot victims start to roll in. Let me tell you, the Albany Memorial Emergency Room has changed a lot since the last time I was there.

The last time was, oh - 4 years ago? Yeah around there. It was after Alive at 5 and we were at Jillian's to see Vanilla Ice preform. Seriously. Of course, it wasn't the Ice-Ice- Ninja-Rap-Vanilla Ice. It was the hardcore- Limp-Bizkit -sounding -Vanilla Ice. Needless to say, it was a hell of a show. From what we saw anyway.

My buddy Joe got into an altercation with some douche bag and was hit in the head with a bottle. We got to go to the hospital and the other kid got to go with the cops.

Anyway, since it was at night, the waiting room was packed and we even got to interact with a crazy woman in a wheelchair who may have been there for head trauma. She took quite a liking to Joe. And quite frankly, I have to say that they would have made quite a couple.

Back then the ER was pretty dingy. Yesterday - huge window-walls. A flat screen television hanging form the ceiling showing the College World Series. Good times all around.

After a few minutes of waiting I was taken into a room and received 8 stitches. Luckily, it was just a lot of skin that got cut and pushed to the side. It still looked extremely gnarly. The weirdest part about the entire ordeal was that I started to say things like "gnarly" and "funky." See, I don't usually say things like this. The injury changed my vocabulary. I described it with words that were out of character for me enough to make Lauren tell me to "stop talking like that."

Anyway, I'm OK. As you can see the injury wasn't too devestating to my blogging abilities. Though it does kind of hurt whenever I hit the question mark button.

Watch.

?

Fuck! That hurts! No interviews for me today.

Oh yeah! Back to Casino Drive! Casino Drive is the horse that is supposedly Big Brown's only real competition in the Belmont today, has been scratched from the race. That leaves us with Big Brown - who is nursing his own hoof injury - and the field. A field of 8 horses with odds (as of yesterday) that are all between 12-1 and 50-1. Big Brown's status as such a huge favorite (2/5) combined with his injury are just screaming for you to box the field. I really don't know how much that would cost. You'd have to do a permutation or something.

Or you could use the OTB betting machine to figure it out. It's been awhile since math class, so that's probably what I'll end up doing. Happy betting!

Update: I went out to grab some lunch and go to the bank so I stopped at my local OTB. I ran up to one of the machines and punched in the trifecta box for the Stakes - $1008. I cannot for the life of me remember what this mathematical action is called = 9x8x7. That's how you figure it out.

I guess the moral of the story (Besides my days as a top math student are long gone) is that it's butt expensive to box the field in a race. Besides, Big Brown would probably still win and fuck everything up anyway. Bastard.

Update 2: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Where Did The Big Lead Go?

2008-06-06T11:30:00.001-04:00

As you probably know, TBL is down for the count right now. It's extremely frustrating because I have 2 posts all done over there and was trying to work on the PM Roundup (Complete with Godzilla Biscuits) Anyway, here's one of the greatest things you'll have to work extremely hard to find on the internet:

I knew that I had been saving this for a special occasion. This is possibly the most ridiculous, funny thing ever put to paper by the National Lampoon guys. It's called The Utterly Monsterous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs and if you're trying to kill time while The Big Lead is down this is as good as it will get. Feel free to discuss in the comments section.

We'll let you know as soon as TBL is back up and running. Hell you could even send a tip or two and I might even turn it into another post. (Or two...)

alumnigonzo@gmail.com

Bonus: Megan Fox

Kimbo Slice To Fight Brett "The Grim" Rogers

2008-06-05T18:11:00.004-04:00

Kimbo Slice was just on The Dan LeBatard Show where he revealed that his next fight would be in October against Brett "The Grim" Rogers. (Audio Here) Rogers challenged Kimbo at the press conference after the Elite XC show last Saturday.

Scheduling this fight is probably the smartest move that Elite XC could make in the shadow of Kimbo's controversial fight with James Thompson. Whether Rogers came up with the idea to call out Kimbo on his own or not - this gives Elite XC a storyline to push leading up to (presumably) one of the next shows they have on CBS.

This is a dangerous fight for Kimbo. In fact, it's a fight I never thought Elite XC would schedule. Judging by what America saw on Saturday, I don't know why Rogers wouldn't be favored to win. Of course, when this fight happens, Kimbo will have another 4-5 months of training. Hopefully, Bas Rutten will work in some cardio this time.

[Hat tip: cortes]

ESPN The Magazine Ignored Me :-*(

2008-06-04T16:49:00.003-04:00

So I was reading Bill Simmons' latest offering yesterday afternoon when I noticed two things:

1.

Chad Johnson took over as Editor-in-Chief of ESPN The Magazine for our Revenge of the Jocks issue

Or at least I saw some variation of that on the Simmons' page.

2. ESPN The Magazine has an e-mail address at Gmail. (editor.espnmag@gmail.com) I found this odd because when I was doing the Master's Live-Blog Live-Blog and traded a couple e-mails with ESPN's Jason Sobel (Sorry, I'll stop name-dropping.) he had an addy @espn.com. What's up wth that?

Anyway, seeing an actual e-mail for an ESPN person, I decided to e-mail a couple jokes. Something along the lines of:

"Hey, since Chad Johnson is editing the magazine this week is he going to threaten not to publish it and then have it show up in my mail box on schedule?" And "Is the entire issue going to be about Chad Johnson?"

Ha ha! Man I'm funny. The point is, nobody e-mailed me back. Maybe it's because my jokes sucked, but come on. I'm Cousins of Ron Mexico. A brother can't get a reply?

Then again, maybe the e-mail went directly to Ocho Cinco. I hope I didn't offend him. He might send Chris Henry after me. Shit.

Take It Back! If I Wanted Something Your Finger Had Touched I Would Have Ordered The Inside Of Your Ear!

2008-06-03T10:25:00.006-04:00

I learned something about blogging last night. Apparently, when a fellow blogger - Heather in this case - sends me a story related to a subject that I have been known to write about, I'm supposed to relay this story to you guys. After the string of Utica Club posts towards the end of last week, Heather - who had a bit of a rough birthday weekend - sent me the following story. Of course I've broken it up to make snide comments and clarify things. Enjoy:

So I went out to dinner with my parents last night and they were talking about their "crazy" college days at Plattsburgh.

Are there any other kinds of days at Plattsburgh? The place has an Applebee's for crying out loud. Marshawn Lynch would be in Heaven.

I guess they would go to Albany parties and be beer snobs because everyone would drink Utica [Club] and they were used to good Canadian beers.

La-dee-freaking-da Mr and Mrs President!

Thats when my dad decided to tell his story of Utica beer, which, until yesterday, I had never heard him acknowledge before.

To be fair, Heather just turned 24, so she was too young to understand before this weekend.

Apparently in the 70s when they were going through their stone age gas crisis and everything was "going green."

Um...fossil fuels! Ha!

Oh yeah - They had to fill up the tank uphill in snow both ways... What did gas cost then? 25 cents a tank? My heart goes out to the older generation. No, really.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but haven't gas prices been rising non-stop since gasoline was first provided for public consumption? Can we please stop with the fucking "Gas Prices On The Rise!" headlines every single day? Yeah, I get it. It's 2 cents higher than it was yesterday.

Qui bono - who benefits? Qui gives a shit - that's the way it's always going to be. If America invaded every oil producing country in the world today and we suddenly had unlimited resources, do you really think that gas prices are going to stop going up? Or for that matter go down? Because they aren't. So take your headlines and your news stories about record gas prices and shove them. It's like Dennis Miller once said, "Gas is more expensive than my 10-cent words."

Utica, had created wide-mouthed beer bottles with like a pull-off top.

Sounds like pudding.

It actually sounded like a pudding top to me.

Oh! Heather is sooo smart!

But anyways, my dad is at this party and a guy opens his Utica and begins to drink it then starts choking ("I remember my first beer")

Good Beerfest reference, but to quote Kevin Smith: "Not for nothing, but I'll make the fucking jokes."

So they're all giving him shit about that, saying "It's just a beer man!!" Then he hold out his hand and there is a dead mouse in it.

Doesn't that sound just like a hippie? "Wooah! It's just a beer, man! Be cool." Make sure to read it in a hippie voice. I bet that was really said, too. And that there was some contra-fucking-band involved.

Somehow a dead mouse was in his beer, and it of course ended up in his mouth when he tried to drink the refreshing beverage.

I don't care how gross that is. That is a great story. I would love to see that happen at a party. Especially to someone I don't like. Hilarious. Of course, if something like that happened today, whoever gargled the mouse would own the charred remains of the brewery.

Anyway, back to how blogging works:

A blogger - Heather in this instance - sends me a somewhat related story and I write something hilarious like what you see above and then link to her blog (The Duchess of Devonshire's Gossip Guide to the 18th Century) and everybody that read this story goes there and she gets all sorts of hits. It's the blogosphere's version of buying her a beer. So basically, what I'm saying is - Heather, you owe me a beer.

Just make sure there aren't any fucking mice in it.

[The Duchess of Devonshire's Gossip Guide to the 18th Century]

Look Who Gets To Attend The Team Building Retreat

2008-06-02T19:14:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile, but today is just as good as any.

The phone rings - MOE picks up.

MOE: Yo.

Roger Goodell's Secratery: Hello, this is Sheila from Commisioner Goodell's office. Is Adam there?

MOE: What? This Tyron?

RGS: Excuse me?

MOE: Oh, shit. This Jazmine? From the club?

RGS: No, this is Sheila from Commissioner Goodell's office. I have the Commissioner for Adam Jones.

MOE: Uh... hold up, yo. *Hangs up phone* Yo, Pac. Somebody's on the phone, son.

Adam: Who is it?

MOE: I don't know. Says it's Shelia. From the club.

Adam: Motherfucker, we don't know no Shelia.

MOE: Maybe it's the pizza guy.

Adam: Why would the pizza guy call?

MOE: I don't know. You order a pizza, yo?

Adam: No, did you?

MOE: Yeah.

The phone rings - MOE answers again.

MOE: You outside?

Commissioner: Just put Pacman on the phone.

MOE: Woah. Yo, Pac. It's for you.

Adam: Come on mother fucker. Do it like you're supposed to.

MOE: Oh, shit. *Puts phone back to his ear* You done reached the home of Pacman Jones. Please hold for Pacman Jones.

MOE sets the phone on the table and walks away. Pacman picks up.

Adam: You got Pacman.

Commissioner: Hello, Adam. This is Commissioner Goodell.

Adam: What up Goody?

Commissioner: *sighs* Nothing Adam. Listen, I've decided to grant you partial reinstatement.

Adam: What?

Commissioner: It means you may begin participating in team activities.

Adam: You mean like, camping and whatnot?

Commissioner: Well... Yes, I guess.

Adam: Can I play football?

Commissioner: That is a privilege. You may participate in training camp and preseason games as long as your behavior stays on the up and up.

Adam: That's cool, dawg.

Commissioner: Yes. It is cool. Don't fuck it up. No strip clubs. No guns. No drugs. None of that kiddie shit or you're done. You got it?

Adam: Fuck yeah.

Commissioner: Don't make me regret this, Adam.

Adam: Peace out Goody!

Pacman hangs up the phone and runs to tell MOE.

Adam: Yo son - I can play ball again.

MOE: Nice. When?

Adam: Well, I've got to do some team building activities first.

MOE: You mean like camping?

Adam: Yeah, trust falls and shit.

MOE: So you wanna go to the club and celebrate?

Adam: No, dawg. I can't be doing that shit. I gotta turn to my new teammates for guidance.

MOE: Who you gonna call Pac?

Adam: My boy, T.O.

Pacman picks up the phone and calls Terrell Owens.

T.O.: You got T.O.

Adam: What up, boy? I'm reinstated! I can play! All I gotta do is stay out trouble. What you doin?

T.O.: Oh, nothing...
Adam: Yo, what's that noise? Are you at the fuckin' club?

T.O.: What? No...Yeah. Come on out.

Adam: Motherfucker, if I get caught in a club I'll get suspended again.

T.O.: Yeah... Here you go baby...

Adam: What?

T.O.: Shake that ass...

Adam: Fuck. I gotta go.

T.O.: What a fu...

Pacman hangs up.

Adam: Shit son. That boy ain't no help.

MOE: You could call Tony Romo.

They both laugh.

Adam: Nah. I'll call Deion. Primetime will give me the guidance I require.

MOE: No doubt, son.

Pacamn calls Deion Sanders.

Deion: Hello?

Adam: Yo, Primetime! It's your boy Pacman. I got reinstated and shit!

Deion drops the phone.

Deion: (Shouting) Baby! I dropped the phone. Come pick up the phone for me.

Adam: Hello? Deion?

Deion: (Shouting) Baby! You're a woman. I make too much income for this. Come pick up your man's phone! Be subservient, baby!

Adam: I'm fucked.

Why Do The TAPOUT Guys Do This?

2008-06-01T19:46:00.005-04:00

What follows, stems from a conversation between Lauren and I.

Why do these guys dress this way? We're sitting here doing the blogging thing while we wait for the WEC show tonight and there's an episode of TapouT on. It must have been the first time Lauren had seen these guys because she expressed great confusion about their outfits.

And she was right. Why do they dress like this? I have no explanation. She suggested I turn to the blogosphere for the answers. She told me to post their picture and ask "Why do Visigoths do this?"

I said, "Huh?" I had her repeat the word "Visigoth" 12 times before she told me to just go away. After some more bugging, she explained Visigoths to me. I won't even bother trying to explain it to you because I'd muck it up - I'm sure. She did however, find me these pictures that get the point across.
So seriously, why do the guys from Tapout dress like asshats?

Sing A Song Of Joy - Utica Club Lives On!

2008-05-30T17:42:00.004-04:00

I have to say, one of the best things about having a platform like The Big Lead is the fact that I actually get e-mails from people that have real insider information. That's why I have the following happy information to share about the Saranac Brewery fire:

"...none of the beer was destroyed in the fire. They'll have to outsource it to get it bottled until they rebuild the canning facility that was destroyed. So mourn not."

Beautiful, right? Uncle Charlie is alive and well.

In tribute to the happy news, here's the song that goes along with the above photo. I have to get this as my ring tone. I mean - I have to. It would be the highlight of my life.

A big hat tip goes out to Office Naps where I found the picture and the adjoining song.

[The Utica Club National Carbonation Beer Drinking Song]

Tragedy Strikes The Home Of Utica Club

2008-05-30T08:37:00.006-04:00

Somber post this morning as the FX Matt Brewery - better known as the Saranac Brewery - has been burning since yesterday around 4. Saranac Brewery is best known on this blog as the brewer of Utica Club. The brewery is one of the oldest in America at over 100 years old. Utica Club was the first beer sold in America after the repeal of Prohibition.

I just visited the brewery for the first time last Fall. Lauren asked me to run out to get breakfast with her and basically kidnapped me. As we got on the Thruway, I realized something was happening. Here's an actual quote as I figured out something was up:

"Say, Lo. Since we missed the turn for Dunkin Donuts over 12 miles ago, don't you think we should turn around now?"

For some reason she deemed me worthy of a surprise trip to a brewery and casino. (I don't think there's any mystery why I'm with this girl.)

We got to Utica and took a tour of the old brewery. It was an extremely cool experience that I'm glad I was able to have. After the tour we got to sample some beers in the in-house bar. I also got a stein, glass and shirt from the girt shop.
Aside from my trip to the brewery, friends and older readers will know that I love Utica Club beer. It's cheap as hell and it's semi-local. "Uncle Charlie's" remains the only bright spot to Bomber's Burrito Bar on Lark Street in Albany. $2 Utica Club cans are a tough deal to beat in any city.

Hopefully, the family decides to rebuild and continue with the rich tradition.

It Was A Long/Drunk Weekend: Part 4

2008-05-29T15:02:00.005-04:00

I really should have just done a 20,000 word post while everything was still "fresh" in my mind.

In which it is now Saturday....

Saturday morning I woke up and made myself a healthy breakfast of an egg and cheese sandwich. The breakfast sandwich consisted of upwards of 3 eggs and a piece of cheese to match each. After eating, I headed next door to see what sort of hard labor Lauren and Heather had planned for me.

I carried chairs, a poker table, hung up Christmas lights (in May) and other assorted tasks before running off to lounge in my living room. I went out and got more beer. I surfed the internet. Just like you're doing right now! (You and I - we are so the same.)

The party was set to start at 4 and I really don't remember much of what happened before it. Mike was at work, working on his 20-somethingth hour of OT for the week. (Keep in mind I was sent home early on Friday.) I hung out next door and waited for the "party people" to show up.

At around 1 I had my first beer of the day - a Labatt. It was delicious. As I sat on my couch drinking it while watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure, I knew it was going to be a good day.

I also knew I was going to have an absolutely banging hangover on Sunday.

So with complete disregard for my future self, I had a couple more beers while I flipped between Pee Wee and GO. (Which has one scene worth watching.)

When 4 o'clock came around I headed over to Lauren's so that I could ~~drink socially~~ greet my friends as they arrived. Of course Foker and Katie (And 4 other friends) were the first ones to show up. I feel like their entrance may have lost something since there was no one there to say "OMG! Hey you guys!" or anything of the sort.

We escorted everyone to the backyard where the drinks were waiting. There were also cigars, fedoras, and fake mustaches. (Havana Nights-theme) Mike put on a fake mustache and since he's a filthy Italian, he looked extremely natural in it.

Kyle and his lady friend were two of the first non-bridal party guests to arrive. Their final decision for a dish to share? 118 Jell-O shots. As they walked onto the lawn, Foker's sister and husband showed up with a punch bowl full of fruit soaked in Everclear vodka. As they approached I noted that, "Unless I miss my guess - we're in for one wild night."*

The party filled up fairly quickly and we broke away for a game of jarts. Kyle and I beat Mike and Tauren handily. Tauren is the longterm boyfriend of the maid of honor. He would make quite the impression before the evening was through.

After the jarts we settled down for a game of poker. Tauren went out first and bought back in. Then he ended up knocking me out and frustrating the hell out of me. (Of course who doesn't when I'm playing poker?)

As soon as I busted out I got up and distanced myself from the situation. By that I mean I grabbed a beer and started bitching from 3-feet from the table. To help me calm my nerves, Foker and I decided to light up a see-gar.

As you can see in the picture above we had Keystone and Bud, but much to the dismay of no one, we didn't have any Genny Light. (Sorry UU) There were also some Nick Lachey's (Miller Lite) and as mentioned previously - Jell-O shots. Back to the story...

As you can see it was chilling time. I smoked that cigar for about 2-hours until it was finally pointed out to me that I was taking way too long. What can I say? I like to take my time.

The cigars signaled the turn in the weekend. The sun was beginning to set. People were starting to buzz. The cooler was getting slowly lighter. The men smoked cigars and drank while the women giggled about unimportant "wedding details" and drank to a lesser extent. And it was good.

Tune in next time for Part 5: In which we watch UFC 85...

*I didn't really quote 300 at this point in the day, but I totally should have. I think it would have been super badass.

It Was A Long/Blurry/Fun/Drunk Weekend: Part 3

2008-05-28T14:20:00.005-04:00

As we continue further into the week and farther away from Memorial Day weekend, it's important to remember that in the future I should live-blog long weekends. Without further ado...

In which it is now Friday night...

Having bought the cigars and started to clean up the house, I was understandably getting thirsty. It was Friday night after all and who am I to not imbibe? When Mike returned home from work I greeted him at the door with cases of beer neatly packed with the empties that we had been collecting on our back porch for the last few months.

We started throwing empties in the car until it was just about full and then headed off to be rewarded for our hard ~~work~~ drinking. First we took the loose bottles and cans (those that didn't fit in cases for some reason or another) to Price Chopper so we could appear like the Rockefellars we are as we stuffed the returnables into the magical machines that give us little pieces of paper for our trouble.

Of course anything that wasn't a 22-ounce Bud Light wasn't read by the machines and we had to invite one of the dunderhead employees over to count our remaining bottles. I don't know if you've ever seen a dimwitted upstate New York woman look at an import beer and question its value, but it's worth checking out.

"I've never seen this one before."

Oh, I'm sorry, dumbass. It's Labatts. They don't have that in Menands yet?

Then she proclaimed one can "isn't worth anything" as she turned it over and over looking in every place but the top. We litterally had to take the can from her hand and point directly at the 5-cent symbol. Guh.

After that adventure we headed to the beverage center to cash in the rest of our empties for fresh drinks. We had something like $15 worth of assorted cans and bottles for the lovely Schantz beverage in Watervliet. When you take bottles back there the kids who work there give you a small piece of paper with the dollar value of your returns on it. Seems a bit sketchy, but it works for them.

We grabbed a few cases, some Sparks and headed out. When we got back we decided to order some pizza. (Wait, didn't we just have that for lunch?) As we were putting the money together for the delivery guy, we realized that we seemed to have paid a bit much for the beer. After a few seconds of pondering I immediately realized why our booze bill had been so high - I never handed the clerk our little redemption slip.

Realizing I probably wouldn't be able to go back in the morning and have anyone believe that this piece of scrap paper was really worth 15 bucks, I saddled up and out the door I went. Again. For good measure I picked up another 4-pack of Sparks while I was out.

Then I ran back to Price Chopper to see if there was any sort of Margarita mix for Lauren and Heather. Then I ran to the liquor store next to Price Chopper. Then back to Price Chopper. I ended up buying some cheap mix and finally headed home for the evening.

By that time it was almost time for the pizza to arrive. As you can imagine, I was pretty excited. But before the 'za showed up, Lauren called and asked me to bring a bottle of rum next door. I agreed despite the fact that I knew the pizza was so very near. I also grabbed the bag of cigars to bring next door in case Lo and Heather wanted to start setting stuff up. So with a bottle of rum in one hand and a clear plastic bag full of cigars in the other, I walked out the door.

Right as the delivery guy was stepping onto the porch.

I must have looked like Nelly. The only thing that was missing was a 9mm sticking out the front of my boxers.

The delivery guy set the pizza down and left without incident.

I'm kidding of course. I said, "Excuse me for a moment while I run inside and grab some dolla-dolla-bills, ya'll." After the pizza guy left I dropped the pizza off and sprinted back to the house where Mike was extremely confused.

I hadn't seen him since I returned from the store and he thought the pizza guy had walked into the house, taken the money and (thankfully) left the pizza.

Since the new Indiana Jones movie had just come out and we were both big fans, we decided to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. Originally, when I started writing this, I was under the impression that we watched Strange Wilderness. A common mistake, I know.

Actually, we had watched Strange Wilderness the night before. It was funny, but nowhere near Grandma's Boy-funny. Basically, it was retarded, but it made me laugh. So, yeah - what Upstate Underdog said.

After we watched the Indy flick (See what I did there?) we probably played 72 holes of Tiger Woods and drank a lot of beer. Who can keep track of all these wild nights?

Tune in tomorrow for Saturday!

Weezer's New Video Is Self-Aware

2008-05-27T21:43:00.006-04:00

Or at least most of the people in the video appear to be. If you like the internet I think you'll love the new Weezer video.

Except for the nearly inexcusable use of Chris Cocker, it's a good video. My personal favorite cameo is by K-Fed. I wonder if he even has the internet anymore?

I also wonder if Trey Parker and Matt Stone directed.

It Was A Long/Blurry/Drunk/Fun Weekend: Part 2

2008-05-27T13:06:00.004-04:00

This is the story of the long Memorial Day weekend I just experienced. To get caught up read Part 1: In which the weekend begins...

In which I buy see-gars....

Under Kyle's sage advice, I went into a new tobacco shop to purchase some Punch brand cigars. As I may have mentioned previously, I know nothing about cigars. So any knowledge I had was limited to what Kyle had told me over the phone in between curse laden rants about fruit salads. (He was trying to find out what to have his girlfriend make to bring to the party. I'll reveal his choice later in this series.)

I walked into the new tobacco bar - that's right, it was a bar of sorts. You know, one of those smoking rooms you hear so much about from guys with purple robes and corn cob pipes. I'm not sure how much of this is real and how much is my imagination.

As I walked in I was greeted by a large dog. This is completely unrelated to the plot of this story, but I like dogs and this one was pretty cool. That's why I'm mentioning it.

The store's employee asked me if I was looking for anything in particular. I dropped the "Punch-bomb" on him and he led me into the walk-in humidor and pointed them out to me.

I have to say, I've always been a fan of walk-in humidors. I don't know why. I like walk-in coolers too. Something about isolated rooms with special environments just do it for me. I can't explain it. Maybe its because when I go into a cooler or humidor I feel like I'm a researcher on a new biosphere project. I guess I just like pretending I'm Pauly Shore.

As I stood in the cigarosphere looking at the 8 or 9 boxes of Punch cigars it dawned on me that I really had not fucking clue what I was doing. The only difference I would be able to discern between any of these cigars were size and color.

So I set about studying the cigars. I compared the length and thickness of the cigars. I picked them up. I looked them over at all angles. I inspected them more closely than anyone had inspected a cigar before.

I figured out nothing.

I ended up walking out of the humidor with a big pile of cigars which made the man at the counter say "Wow." I immediately knew I was doing something out of the ordinary. Apparently 10 separate single cigars are somewhat out of the ordinary. Perhaps I should have gotten a box? Oh well.

I said goodbye to the dog and left with my sack full of cigars. As I started to drive home I realized that I was supposed to have something to cut the end off the cigars. So I stopped at another cigar shop to get a... I had no idea what those tiny little cigar guillotines are called.

When I went in and asked the grizzled old woman behind the counter for a "cigar lopper." Apparently, this isn't the preferred nomenclature. The woman looked at me like I was Pumpkin Romanoff. Feeling like a simpleton, I just shrugged - "Cigar cutter?"

She got that. She walked over near where the hookahs were set up and I expected her to pull out some grand glass piece with a blade. Luckily, she just grabbed a cheap plastic model. I threw it in my pocket and on my way I went.

When I got home I started to clean up the house. People would be coming over after the engagement party the next night to watch the fight so the place needed to be spic and span.

Tune in later for Part 3: In which Mike and I go to the beer store and then play a game we like to call, "Drink the beer."

Also: A review of the Happy Madison production, Strange Wilderness! It should be intriguing!

It Was A Long/Blurry/Drunk/Fun Weekend: Part 1

2008-05-27T11:45:00.004-04:00

Since it was a long weekend (Three days = "Wahoo! No Parents!") there are plenty of crazy stories to share. I'm not sure how many parts this tale will be woven into, but I know it's going to take at least three if I want to tell all my harrowing adventures in an adequate and timely fashion. (Warning: Might not actually be timely.)

Part 1: In which the weekend begins....

I'll start with Friday at lunch. Mike (Roommate), Brendan (Old, smelly, balding guy at work who isn't actually old, smelly or balding. You can see why Mike and I are so well liked.) and I went to the local pizzeria for some 'za. You know - like the young people do when they need a good "nosh." While we were there we found some WalMart brand soda with great names like "Mountain Lightening" and "Dr. Thunder."

While Mike and I weren't that impressed with the cheesy knockoffs - who hasn't seen a shitty non-brand name soda? - Brendon was so smitten by the discovery that he changed the signature on his company e-mail to read "Brendan 'Dr. Thunder' Namewithheld." Obviously they didn't have such outrageous pop cans in the 80's. By the way - Brendan's last name really is "Namewithheld." It's Dutch. Like "Gak."

Anyway, after the hullabaloo at lunch (Holy shit! A weird name on a soda can! Gadzooks!) I was sent home from work early. Luckily, it wasn't like the last time I was sent home from work early. (That time I was told not to come back.) This time I was told I could leave because there wasn't that much work to do. I didn't argue because it was gorgeous outside. So I grabbed my iPod and bounced. Of course, I was sweating by the time I reached my car. While I blame the slight incline of the parking lot, I wasn't too surprised because the sun was shining.

When I got home I got to run to the bank to cash paychecks and start pricing cases of beer. See, we were throwing an engagement party for our friends Mike and Katie. (Scroll to the bottom, Eli and Abby are not our friends.) Mike and Katie have been together for like 19 years or something and Mike just recently ~~ruined it for his guy friends who are also in committed relationships~~ proposed to Katie.

When Mike and Katie got engaged, 18th Century Gossips, Lauren and Heather, decided they should throw an engagement party. They did most of the work, all I was in charge of was beer and cigars.

Why cigars? The theme was Havana Nights. As we all know, Cubans are famous for playing lots of baseball and making kick-ass cigars. Since I didn't want to organize a game of softball where we played barefoot and used old milk cartons for gloves, I volunteered for cigar (Or "See-gar" if you want to make it sound gay. Example: "Hey, Kyle. I've got a see-gar for you to smoke.") and beer duty.

Something you might not know about me - I know jack shit about cigars. I'd never smoked one in my life and... well I guess there is no and. I just don't know anything about cigars. So I turned to the one man who knows about cigars - Kyle. He told me to go with Punch brand because they wouldn't - and I quote - "make lightweight assholes puke everywhere."

Sounded simple enough to me.

Tune in later today for Part II: In which I start to drink beers and other things happen... For now, I'm going to lunch.

Unbeknownst To Us, We Are Regulars

2008-05-15T16:07:00.004-04:00

Our bowling league ended last week. It was a sad day for competitive alcoholics everywhere. For nearly half a year I've been going to a bowling alley every Thursday without fail. (Except for Thanksgiving and a couple other bullshit holidays.) It was a wonderful tradition.

Every Thursday I'd leave work around 3:30, go home, make myself a hearty meal and patiently wait for Mike to get home so we can head to bowling. Good times all around.

Now bowling is over so we have to we aren't assured of that one night a week where we actually have a beer sport scheduled. So we decided to go Tuesday night.

We went to the nearest bowling alley which is in the beautiful town of Menands. Back when I was an ice delivery boy we'd make stops in Menands. I referred to it as the armpit of the Capital Region. Now I live within walking distance.

Anyway, the bowling alley is huge. It's like an old airport hanger. Whenever we would drive by it we'd see the huge parking lot outside the old building at the end of a dead-end street we would joke that it was the perfect parking lot for a rape. (I paint a beautiful picture, don't I?)

So we decided to go to that "house" to "roll." We got there around 9 and Mike v-lined for the bar door to get the first pitcher. I walked towards the main entrance to head to the front desk, but found the door locked. On the locked doors was a piece of white paper with the summer hours written on it. They were basically Friday/Saturday/Sunday sometime to sometime. I have a great memory like that.

I felt a little defeated because I didn't really want to go to another alley. I was already at this one. Just open the damn place up. I'm special God dammit!

I walked over towards the bar entrance and met Mike on his way out the door. He had information that confirmed my diagnosis from moments earlier - the alley was closed.

We turned and started to walk away when an old guy came out the bar door and said:

"You guys are regulars. Come on in. We'll turn on a lane for you."

We responded with an eloquent: "Really?"

See, we aren't regulars. I've been there...twice. In my life. Mike too. I'm fairly certain the last time we went was on the day of the morning of the Super Bowl. (See, despite the ~~strike through~~, I really was bowling. See what I did there?)

Basically, we hadn't stepped foot on that property in over 4-months. I don't know how that makes us "regulars," but they were ready to let us in and turn everything on just for us.

Keep in mind that this place is what we imagine as Rape Central so heading inside as 6 older Greekish gents ate dinner and watched the Yankees might not have been the best decision. The guys who were there all looked like the Greek from The Wire. It was a little terrifying.

Of course, we were never violated. (Ed. Note: Aw, shucks!) Or robbed. (Yeah!) We just bowled like we owned the place. Let me tell you, it's weird to be in a 48-lane bowling alley without another soul in sight. Every time the pins reset it sounded like a horse "neighing." (Sic?) All very weird.

When we left we paid some unknown rate and left as the old Greeks' poker game was just getting going. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to own a bowling alley. These guys were living my dream!

In conclusion - Aim for the stars kids!

Happy Mothers Day!

2008-05-11T11:19:00.001-04:00

This isn't me by the way.

OK. It is me. Don't act like you're not impressed.

Introducing: The Foxboro Hot Tubs

2008-05-11T00:48:00.003-04:00

Sound familiar?

Yup, that's Green Day. While they're working on the follow up to American Idiot they found time to cut an album under a different name: Foxboro Hot Tubs.

So strange.

Arguably the biggest band in the world after Idiot came out they posted 6 songs online for free download back in December - which I completely missed. Then they did it again earlier this year and I missed that too. I blame the shitty radio stations in Albany. Seriously - How the hell do you miss this if you work in the industry?

Of course these are the same stations ignoring Weezer's latest offering, so why should I be surprised? We need room in the rotation for Three Days Grace after all. And you have to play Buckcherry's most annoying song since Crazy Bitch once an hour or someone might change the channel. (Remember when Buckcherry was kind of cool? What? That was in high school? Never mind.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, Foxboro Hot Tubs. It's like a punk rock version of the Beatles. Sorry if I offended any Beatles fans. Enjoy the ~~Green Day~~ Foxboro Hot Tubs.

The Marlins Gave Who A What Now?

2008-05-10T21:51:00.007-04:00

Exciting news for Florida Marlins fans today: The Marlins signed Hanley Ramirez, their best player - and arguably the best young hitter in baseball - to a contract in the neighborhood of 6-years and $70 Million.

That's right - The Florida Marlins actually locked up one of their good players for the foreseeable future. This is the most excited I've been about Florida signing someone since Jeff Conine signed a one-day contract to retire as a Marlin. Hanley originally came over in the deal that sent away Josh Beckett.

Ramirez is pretty excited about the deal:

When reporters approached Ramirez before Saturday's game against Washington, he smiled, laughed and waved.
"No comment, no comment," he said.

Boy it feels good to be a Marlins fan. Not only are the Marlins currently in first place in the NL East - with one of the best records in baseball - but they signed their best player for the first time in... ever.

This is especially encouraging after an off season that featured the trade that sent away the faces of the franchise, Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera. When that trade happened I was a little sad as Cabrera was one the top-5 hitters in all of baseball as well as one of my favorite players.

Willis, on the other hand, was already a "meh" for me as he seems destined to continue down the Hideo Nomo Trail to mediocrity. As he put muscle on his frame it became hard for him to continue with his once-effective throwing motion. After a good rookie season that coincided with the 2003 Championship and a tremendous 2005 season (22-10, 2.63 ERA, 5 shutouts) Willis began to lose it.

Last season Willis went 10-15 with a 5.17 ERA and he struggled early this year before getting injured. Oh, well. That's how the Florida Marlins do. We win championships and then sell off our formerly beloved players for young players that in turn will also someday be loved and eventually traded away.

At least that's how it used to be! Hanley Ramirez is now officially a real, live, honest-to-Jeffrey-Loria, Marlin until 2014! Hopefully, this is a sign of things to come. And who knows - the next long-term Marlin could have come over for Dontrelle Willis' rotting corpse. At least now we know what it feels like.

Regarding "Poak Chops"

2008-05-07T23:29:00.002-04:00

I have to admit that if this blog was going to remain idle for the amount of time it did, I'm glad it was with that post out front. When I originally posted it, I had visions of it becoming the next Rick Roll. (For the record, I think the Rick Roll is the best thing that has ever come out of the internet.)

I thought for sure it would become a huge part of pop culture. Ham hocks. Tracy Morgan in drag. A crunk and catchy beat. Let's face it, Poak Chops has it all.

A New Post?

2008-05-07T10:42:00.005-04:00

Hey. Remember me?

Me either.

Anyway, this blog will be less neglected in the coming days/weeks/months/etc. I'm super cereal.

Until I get to extremely cool new postage, I have to welcome a new blog to the 'sphere -

Major League Asshole

It's written by a group of idiots that comment at The Big Lead. They aren't especially talented or funny - or good looking for that matter - but they try. Jesus, do they try. They've combined for 32 posts in the last week. That's like... *0 times 32, carry the 4* ...6 or 7 times as many as I've written in that time.

Poak Chops

2008-04-17T00:03:00.001-04:00

What the....?

Along with that moment of ... I don't know. Anyway, this is not the suckiest sports blog despite the fact that I neglect it like some metaphor. This blog and the few people who heard of it defeated Bugs & Cranks in a close "victory."

Oh yeah, make sure to check out new stuff over at The Big Lead.

Cups Of Water And Oyster Crackers

2008-04-09T10:27:00.007-04:00

So I just went to get a Styrofoam cup full of water from the cafeteria because you know, I get thirsty and whatnot. I've been doing this every day since I started the new job. I find it important to drink lots of water everyday. First off, it's delicious! I mean, water, man. That's some tasty stuff.

Anyway, I've been going through around 3 Styrofoam cups a day. What can I say? I love the environment. I always wanted to be a Planeteer.

So as I'm pouring my tall cup of water this morning, the cafeteria lady says, "Just the cup?"

I ignored her.

As I finished pouring filling the cup I picked my head up and she again said, "Just the cup?"

I was confused. "Huh?"

"The cup costs 10 cents."

I almost went off right there, but I didn't. Was there a reason for me to even be the least bit thrown off by the fact that she wanted to charge me a dime for something I had grown to identify as free? Not really, but still.

Nobody stopped me any of the other 200 times in the last 2 weeks that I went in and grabbed a cup like I owned them. I guess the moral of the story is that I have made out like a bandit in my first 2 and a half weeks at the new job. I've taken at least $2.30 in free merch.

And I'm not even mentioning the Oyster Crackers that Mike and I take every afternoon on the way back from lunch. Yeah, they're for the people who get soup, but we take them anyway. They make a hell of a mid-afternoon snack.

It gives my mind the impression that I'm actually eating. They aren't filling. And on top of that they're kind of salty so they can't be good for you which automatically makes them 100x better.

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I sincerely hope that this is the post that people see when they come to determine if they should vote for me in the Suckiest Blog Tournament. By the time those people get to the Oyster Crackers story they'll be so confused as to how this is a sports blog their ears will start to bleed.

Speaking of the Suckiest Blog Bracket, my region - The Jealous of Newspaper Guys Region - kicks off tomorrow so don't forget to vote ~~for~~ against me. Or don't. It would be nice to win something.

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Oh yeah - I have no images because at the new job Google Image Search is blocked. So I'm sorry that you don't get a picture of a cup of water or oyster crackers or something else I mentioned.

April Madness!

2008-04-04T23:54:00.003-04:00

Guess what? This little blog has been included in a tournament!

The good news is I think I can win it.

The bad news is that it's the Suckiest Sports Blogs That Ever Sucked Tournament, Sponsored By Aeropostale. I (dis)like my chances here. How about a sexy picture? Yeah, that doesn't suck.

I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to not win this. Damn you, Dave Lozo!

Houston Alexander Has Quick Fights

2008-04-02T19:48:00.008-04:00

Here's what I wrote this afternoon over at The Big Lead:

Tonight marks the return of Houston Alexander who seemed like he was on the fast track to a light-heavyweight title shot before he was derailed by Thiago Silva back in November. The Omaha DJ’s three UFC fights have lasted just over 5 minutes combined.

Well...

Of course I missed the beginning of Fight Night 13. Then, like a fool, I flip over to MMAjunkie.com and for some reason I checked out their Live Results thread. That's when I saw it:

James Irvin def. Houston Alexander via TKO (punches) -- Round 1, 0:08.

What?

James Irvin def. Houston Alexander via TKO (punches) -- Round 1, 0:08.

Huh?

James Irvin def. Houston Alexander via TKO (punches) -- Round 1, 0:08.

How do they show results? Does that mean there was only 8 seconds left in the first round?

Irvin instantly connects on a right-handed Superman punch and drops Alexander to the mat. The bout is instantly stopped, though Alexander protests the stoppage.

At this point I immediately hit "Start Over" on my cable box.

I sat and listened to the introductions all the while knowing what was coming. "It's going to be a stand up battle" or something like that. Then...

Whoops!

Just like the Rampage - Liddell fight. Irvin hit Alexander on the button and he went down. Alexander was limp and that was that. Tied for the fastest knockout in UFC history. Needless to say, that fight won't do any damage to the shorter-than-average average fight times for Houston Alexander.

Semi-Update: Of course MDS had a post up before Alexander hit the mat. Dude - take a nap or something.

Video Game Flashbacks

2008-04-02T15:43:00.003-04:00

This afternoon I was sitting in my cube (That's right, people - I have a cubical) listening to the radio online. (WQBK Q103 - home of Free Beer and Hot Wings - to be specific)

I know what you're wondering: Is he going to tell me about hearing Creed twice in one day?

No. Maybe some other time.

Anyway, I was listening to the radio when all of a sudden I hear the opening chords for "Mother" by Danzig. Now, most people would hear this and think "Oh, OK. They're playing Danzig."

Not me though. As soon as I heard the first chord my hands started to move involuntarily. My left hand started to twitch and my arm moved so that it looked like I was a half-assed hitchhiker. My right hand made a weak fist and moved down towards my pocket.

Suddenly I started to hear colors:

Red. Green. Blue. Yellow. Orange.

That's when I realized I was playing Guitar Hero in a crowed office...

Back story: My love affair with GH wasn't that long-lived. When Lauren came home last Fall we played all the time. But that was only for a couple months. We had ripped copies of each version: 1, 2, III, The 80's - you name it, we played it.

Eventually, Lauren's sister got a Nintendo Wii and we refocused our energy on basement bowling and left GH behind. Sure I never moved past the Medium setting (5 buttons was way to hard) but Guitar Hero changed my life.

Whenever I'm driving and hear certain songs, I'm immediately transported back in time and place.

It's terrifying. What if I'm out driving in a snow storm some night when I start flipping through radio stations and Scan myself right into the middle of Metallica's One?

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

At this point, solo number 74 kicks in, I freak the shit and crash into a snow plow.

Now, I don't read a lot of medical journals, but I'm pretty sure they'd need Gregory House to figure out why the hell this coma-guy keeps head-banging.

It's scary stuff, man. And that's why video games are bad for you.

"Shake Hands With The Pins"

2008-04-01T09:16:00.005-04:00

That's how my friend Brian taught me to throw an effective hook with a bowling ball. When you roll, you just shake hands with the pins.

I was writing a post for The Big Lead and I wanted to end with that reference, but realized that the tens of thousands of people who might read it probably wouldn't get something said between two college kids in Albany, New York more than 4 years ago. Thus, "shake hands with the pins" would probably be lost on the majority of the readership.

(If you came here from TBL to read this, I hope you get it now.)

See, politicians shake hands when they campaign and bowlers shake hands with the pins when they bowl. See how that fits together? Pretty damn clever if you ask me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find out if John McCain or Hilary Clinton are any good at jarts.

How The Heck Are You?

2008-03-26T19:04:00.008-04:00

To answer two questions that you might be pontificating over:

Yes, I have a new job.

Yes, I've taken an increased role at The Big Lead.

Heck, I was even included in the new description of the site that went up after TBL Himself came out of the ~~closet~~ basement.

All of these things have factored into the overall neglect of this blog. No excuse - I know.

That doesn't change the fact that this blog is going to have to turn into an after-hours pursuit. Mostly because I don't have access to all the wonderful pictures at the new job that I did at the old job. I'm behind some sort of firewall and I don't particularly like it.

That means that even if I wanted to search for totally bad ass pictures like that one of the busy bee - I can't. It's only my fourth day so I'm sure I'll figure a way around it. Multi-national corporations can't hold me down. Ya heard?

As I get further into the job and learn the ropes, I'll be getting back to it. It's a habitual thing and I'm in an unwanted detox right now. Also, I'm looking for a new new job - so if you know any sweet writing-based positions send them along because we both know you can't do it.

WNBA Live 2008

2008-03-25T23:51:00.002-04:00

MTV kind of knows what they're doing now? What? First Human Giant, now this?

Of course, this has nothing to do with music, but I guess we're way past that.

Simon Sez This Movie Sucks

2008-03-21T11:01:00.001-04:00

So there I am on a normal Friday morning watching some television when all of a sudden...

I found this gem on HBO. Regular HBO mind you - Not HBO Zone. Or HBO Signature, but regular HBO.

I was initially drawn in by...

WTF?

Hold on. While I was writing that I looked up at the television and realized that Rodman and Cook were in a car that flew off a cliff. Doesn't sound so bad does it? Well, as the car started to plummet - possibly riding the world of Dane Cook - a parachute opened up and they floated to safety. I swear you couldn't even tell there was a green screen. (Oh, yeah - sorry for getting your hopes up about the whole Dane Cook falling to his death thing.)

...anyway. Like I was saying, I was initially drawn into the film by this lady: This is Natalie Cigliuti. If you kind of remember her from a part of your childhood that you tried to forget, it's because she played Lindsay in Saved by the Bell: The New Class. *shudders*

I mentioned this movie was horrible right? In fact its #51 on the IMDB bottom 100 bad. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go have parachutes installed in my car.

Update: There is now a quicksand involved.

Update 2: Don't judge me for watching this.

Update 3: The film also features former supermodel Emma Sjoberg. Sjoberg's photos tend to run on the NSFW-side so Google with caution. Your bosses shouldn't have any issues with this one of her and The Worm though.

PINKS Is On Tonight (Yay!)

2008-03-19T17:04:00.002-04:00

Does anyone remember this post?

Well, the day has arrived. Tonight, on SPEEDtv - PINKS! Lebanon Valley Something Something! I have no idea where to put emphasis on ANY of These words? Well the night has come:

From the looks of it there will be much more drama than I witnessed through my beer goggles. Also, I didn't see them complaining about the cold once in that entire commercial. Show-offs.

Here's a clip I found on the YouTubes from that frightfully cold night last October:

Yes, that is a jet-powered ATV. It's completely unnecessary! This ridiculously pointless machine provided what little heat we had that night. I tried to find myself in the video, but couldn't pick out my big head, so I doubt you can either.

Tonight! 9pm! SPEEDtv! Time Warner Cable channel 665!

Happy St. Patrick's Day From Troy O'Leary

2008-03-17T15:08:00.005-04:00

Happy St. Patty's Day to you all. Troy O'Leary was scheduled to be here today, but can't appear because he's visibly intoxicated. While you wait for the greatest baseball-playing, black-Irishmen ever to sober up, feel free to sample today's entry over at The Big Lead.

I Was There

2008-03-15T22:29:00.005-04:00

Let me say, it was pretty cool to see Tyler Hansbrough bury the game-winner today. The entire game I'd been pulling for Virginia Tech, but damn it if this wasn't cool: (Not my video)

It was a hell of a game and if you think you can get that kind of commentary from someone who just watched on television then you're crazy.
Clemson will meet North Carolina tomorrow afternoon while I'm driving home. That means I'll miss seeing UNC beat C-L-E-M-S-O-*pauses/waives arm*-N. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to fall asleep on a pullout so I can get up at 6am and head back to New York. Vacation baby!

Trip To The ACC Tournamnet - Driving From Virginia to North Carolina

2008-03-14T14:47:00.006-04:00

We drove from Albany, New York to Winchester, Virginia yesterday. I started to write about it, but fell asleep. For now, enjoy the progress we made driving from Winchester to Charlotte. The picture makes sense.

We were on the road at 7am this morning. I was asleep again by 7:15am. When I woke up at 9, my mother handed me 50 bucks. It’s always nice to wake up and immediately have someone hand you cash. That must be how a hooker feels.

Virginia took forever to drive through. We finally hit North Carolina around noon. Going through Virginia’s beautiful Blue Ridgeparkway my father was both impressed by the overall blueness as well as the vast number of runaway truck ramps. He also explained how vehicles travel faster going downhill while I was driving. The life lessons never stop.

He also pointed to the bottom of a hill and explained that that was where Daniel Boone lived before he moved to Tennessee. Wikipedia doesn’t have shit on my father.

As I was typing this I received a phone call regarding a drug test I had to take earlier this week for a new job. Apparently I didn’t submit enough of a sample despite the fact that I filled the cup past where the woman instructed me. See, I like to always give 110%. That’s why I peed just a little bit more than I was required.

Amazingly, “more than required” wasn’t enough. The fact that this makes no sense is quite impressive I think. Jackasses. How do you fuck that up? Honestly. I mean, I don’t do drugs. I’m not around drugs. I hadn’t even had a drink in days. How much piss do you need? Perhaps they poured some on a pregnancy test just to make sure. Perhaps when I handed the cup of urine to the lab piss technician she could have looked at the clear plastic cup and said, “This is not as much urine as is required to perform the vast battery of tests that will determine whether or not you have smoked weed, snorted a line of cocine or shot a vile of heroin into an especially annoying vein in the last few days.” Rest assured the next cup I fill will be overflowing. Idiots.

Back to the road – are there no Sbarros in the South? Does North Carolina not enjoy a slice of New York’s best pizza joint? Pizza bigots.

The radio has been awful the entire trip. Since Jersey it’s been nothing but country stations, a religious station or two and the occasional shitty “hits of the 80’s, 90’s and today” station. I’ve heard 3 Doors Down more this morning than I have in the last 3 years. My iPod is useless when I’m in the driver’s seat because my parents have a CD player and no tape deck to adapt my awesome musical tastes to the Rendezvous’ sound system. My brother on the other hand hunts and wears a camouflage hat so he’s more than content with the diversity of the radio stations.

The speed limits down here are annoying as hell. In New York we get 65MPH on our major highways. Easy enough. No further explanation needed. Past Jersey we’ve seen 65 ,55, 70 and my own personal favorite: 60.

A 60MPH speed limit reeks of indecisiveness. 55 is too slow, but 65 is just outrageous. Thank God for good old North Carolina – 70 all the way, baby! Of course the fact that they put disclaimers on their speed limit signs kind of takes away from their awesomeness. “SPEED LIMIT REMAINS THE SAME UNLESS OTHERWISE POSTED” No shit? So we should use the posted speed limit unless another sign comes along that says another speed. I think I’ve got it, but I’m not sure. Isn’t that how all speed limits work?

Did they have to add this to signs because people were getting out of speeding tickets from arguing that they were using different signs? “I’m sorry your honor, but there was a sign that said I could go 70. How was I supposed to know that when I got off the highway and drove through the Raleigh campus that still didn’t apply to me? The signs really should be more specific.” I for one embrace being able to pick and choose the speed limits you follow.

Tonight we’ll be seeing Duke – Georgia Tech and Clemson – Boston College. When we were planning for this trip my brother vowed not to go if we were going to see Boston College. He goes to Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts and apparently has a strong opinion of BC’s overall suckitude. I don’t have much of an opinion on any of the teams except Duke. I’m not a Duke hater by any means. When it comes to the Duke-UNC rivalry I’m fairly neutral. If held at gun point I’d lean towards North Carolina. Hell, I’m just excited to boo Greg Paulus in person.

I'll be back with an update later tonight or tomorrow after seeing the games and all that.

I'm Going To See Some Actual Sports

2008-03-12T23:56:00.007-04:00

Original Title: I'm On The Midnight ~~Train~~ Buick Rendezvous To ~~Georgia~~ North Carolina

If you need me, I'll be in Charlotte for the next few days. If you're wondering why the hell I would be in North Carolina - I'm going to the ACC Tournament. I'm evening taking my father, mother and brother.

That's right - I'm being a good son and allowing my parents to pay for gas, hotel and tickets in exchange for my wonderful company. Today - Thursday - is a travel day. The drive is somewhere in the area of 12 hours without stops. I don't know what exactly the schedule is, but I assume it includes various stops for food and drink.

Tomorrow - Friday - we'll be attending one of the sessions and will have the ultimate honor of watching either North Carolina or Duke play. I don't know if we're going to the afternoon or evening session yet, but I'll be sure to drop that knowledge as soon as it becomes available.

Saturday we're going back to see the semifinals. Then, in the greatest of ironies, we'll miss the Tournament Finale on Sunday while we're in the car driving north.

I'll probably be checking in with anything overly interesting over at The Big Lead where I've been allowed to come out during the week. Thus far I've taken that opportunity to opine on Dwyane Wade's season-ending injury and the Iditarod. Tomorrow: Something else you don't care about!

Oh, Griz, I'll miss you most of all...

There Will Be Bud

2008-03-07T10:14:00.003-05:00

This is just absolute genius.

I don't know what it is about There Will Be Blood parodies, but I am just transfixed by them. It's got to have something to do with the absolute power of Daniel Day Lewis' tremendous performance. It's just got to.

Anyway. Yeah. I think a great companion piece for this would be No Munchies For Stoned Men.

See, it's quality jokes like that that guarantee me a spot writing on Aaron Sorkin's next critically acclaimed niche show that goes largely unappreciated by the idiot general public. Damn you America! Sports Night could be in syndication by now!

[Hat Tip: Maj]

Warren Sapp Retired Too...

2008-03-04T23:42:00.005-05:00

Lost in the shuffle of Man-God, Brett Favre's retirement announcement yesterday was the retirement of one of the most intriguing athletes I've ever seen play - and incidentally, one of Favre's most visible rivals - Warren Sapp.

Aside from the fact that Sapp was somewhat a controversial player, he was a psychical anomaly in a league full of them. He arrived at The U[niversity of Miami] as a tight end and left the best defensive lineman in the country. As a pro, the 6-foot, 2-inch Sapp, weighed over three-bills. He didn't look like he should have been able to do any of the things he was capable of on a football field. I mean, he was built like one of the Fat Boys.

What's up next for Warren Sapp? How about a video game and hip-hop themed fast food restaurant called HipHopSodaShop. Sure, why not?

Sounds delicious.

Blog Product

2008-03-04T19:06:00.003-05:00

I've decided to write a book. Long time coming, no?

Leitch can do it - I figure I can too. Anyway, I haven't even finished a full page yet, and potted meat has already made an appearance.

Sorry for no posts since Friday, but I'm going through something really... just something... right now.

Somehow potted meat is comforting. Don't ask. Back with sports tomorrow probably.

What About Mickey's?

2008-02-29T09:46:00.005-05:00

From MMAjunkie.com:

The Ultimate Fighting Championship has inked a three-year deal with Anheuser Busch, arguably the biggest sports marketer of them all, that will go into effect at UFC 84 in May.

If nothing else, this is yet another sign of MMA - and the more specifically the UFC - becoming more visible in the mainstream. Not to mention the fact that the UFC is now in business with one of the biggest advertisers in the world. (Can someone verify that for me? Thanks in advance.)

And as far as blue-chip sponsors go, they don’t get much bigger than Anheuser-Busch. The St. Louis-based brewer is responsible for 48.5 percent of all beer sales domestically. The company, founded in 1852, brews more than 40 different beers and malt liquors.

Oh, thanks. God, the people at MMAjunkie do a hell of a job.

However, the deal with the UFC will focus solely on the Bud Light brand.

So what does this mean for Mickey's - the lovable malt liquor that UFC fans have grown to know and love as the official beer of the UFC. Mickey's: Get Stung! It's a malt liquor for God's sake! Mickey's is the UFC.

Since we started watching the UFC a few years ago Roommate Mike and I have always toyed with the idea of ordering a case of Mickey's 40's for a fight night. We never actually did it, but just the fact that we thought about it was a real testiment of what Mickey's meant to the MMA culture.

A few weeks ago I was in Massachusetts visiting my brother. While I was there we went to a "package store" to buy beer. When I was browsing the native beer selection I noticed something that had alluded my upstate New York self for years: a Mickey's 40-ounce.

Let me tell you my friends - it was a beautiful site. Someday, when I am old and reliving the greatest moments of my life, I'll talk about Lauren, the Marlins winning the World Series(es), the birth of my children, and the day I was buying booze for my underage brother in Massachusetts and saw a 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor that I'd never tasted before. That's how special Mickey's is. It's birth-of-a-child special.

I bought 2 - one for me and one for Mike. I knew it was one of those experiences that roommates need to share. Honesty, it keeps the relationship fresh - Fresh like a Mickey's!

When we untwisted the caps later that night we were both pleasantly surprised that it was actually pretty good. Make no mistake, this is high praise coming from us. Mike and I are both noted cheap beer connoisseurs. We've even had Four 0 [Street Legal] which caused temporary blindness in our other roommate, Justin.

With that in mind, I hope that Bud's involvement in the UFC doesn't push Mickey's from our lives. If anything, it's a reminder of the UFC's roots in our living rooms. My living room at least.

The Lakers Are Good At Passing

2008-02-29T08:02:00.003-05:00

I'm absolutely hypnotized by this play.

1. Kobe threw a near perfect outlet pass half the length of the court - over his shoulder facing the opposite baseline. It looked like a pass that would be attempted in a pickup game that would either be picked off or go nowhere near the intended target. You see that kind of pass from the block to someone cutting to the rim.

2. Luke Walton goes up and catches the ball and throws a perfect behind the back bounce pass in one motion. The more I watch the video the more ridiculous this pass becomes. One fluid motion. Just a flawless play by Walton. More impressive than the act of the pass itself...

3. ...is the perfect placement of said pass to Lamar Odom who is running full speed towards the hoop. This is the second pass in less than a second that generally doesn't work.

4. Odom doesn't travel. This is the NBA - even the coaches constantly take too many steps. One. Two. Dunk. End highlight.

This is kind of like the Manning-Tyree play. Not in the magnitude of the moment, obviously. I mean, they were playing the Heat. The '07-'08 Heat in the regular season* at that. But its the combination of the separate plays that take it to another level. The difficulty of each facet of this sequence is incredible.

What's my point? I guess it's a good time to be a fan of the NBA.

*It would be hard to meet these teams to meet in the playoffs since 10-45 teams seldom make the playoffs - let alone represent their conference in the finals. Then again, we are talking about the Eastern Conference. So who knows? Maybe the Heat will win the East and I'll have to eat this blog.

Hey, Federal Government, Can I Just Burn My Money Instead?

2008-02-28T10:15:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Screw you, Main Stream Media. Nobody gives a shit about Roger Clemens. OK?

Look, no one dislikes Clemens more than me. OK, maybe Bill Simmons. But aside from Simmons, no one hates Clemens more than I do. I think he's a huge dick head. (Clemens, not Simmons) A cheater. A liar. An asshole. (Is that repetitive? Sorry.)

Nothing would make me happier than seeing Roger Clemens place in the history of baseball get a big *, or smudge, or blemish, or et cetera, et cetera. I don't know if this stems from my deep-rooted and baseless hatred of the Yankees or if I just really dislike assholes, but I have hated Clemens for years now. And he's never done anything to me.

From the New York Times via Fan House:

"There's a big league team to the left, I think," said Clemens, referring to how reporters were ignoring the Astros to concentrate on his comings and goings. "Wow ... You guys need to get a life."

*Sigh* I agree with Roger Clemens. These reporters shouldn't even be there. Anyone not assigned to report on the actual Astros should be advised to exit the premises immediately. Thank you.

Because of this insanely pointless and boring coverage, Clemens ruins SportsCenter whenever they decide to lead with 5 minutes of coverage from Capitol Hill. Or he ruins PTI when Wilbon and Kornheiser devote the first three, 2-minute segments to Roger Clemens and the "court of public opinion."

To quote Collin Sullivan from The Departed, "Qui gives a shit."

Well, guess what? When it comes to whether or not Rocket is going to be convicted of perjury, I'm guessing the "court of public opinion" is on a long recess. Either that or nobody showed up for jury duty. At what point is it going to occur to people that OUR TAX DOLLARS are paying for this charade? This televised circle jerk?

Granted I make around four-thousand dollars a year - and that's all from returning beer cans - but if I did have to pay taxes I would be pissed off. The guy throws a ball for a living while gas prices are threatening to rise to $4 a gallon. It's bad enough that our elected leaders spend X-amount of dollars on campaigning while people are starving and struggling to make ends meet in their cities and states. It's disgusting.

I'm so glad my parents work so hard to help contribute to finding out whether or not a baseball player may have gone to a fucking pool party 10 years ago. What a joke! So his wife took a shot of bull semen* - who amongst us hasn't!? Someone make it stop!

But no! From SI.com:

So the leaders of a House committee want the Justice Department to investigate if the star pitcher lied under oath about using performance-enhancing drugs.

What a joke. This has got to be a joke, right? More government officials are getting involved? If only there was a war going on that might distract our elected officials from something so trivial as what baseball players are injecting themselves with.

Should Clemens have lied under oath? No.

Should Clemens have been under oath in the first place? No.

/Channeling Bill Simmons

I was talking to my father this weekend and he made an excellent point. If Clemens had walked into that congressional hearing and said something along the lines of, "I'm pleading the 5th. As an American tax-payer I am deeply disappointed that you're wasting your time and my money on something like this with all the real problems in America."

/End Channeling Bill Simmons

This whole ordeal is starting to turn Clemens into a sympathetic figure! Just forget about Clemens. Let me forget about Clemens. Please! I mean, come on - I'm starting to pine for "the good old days" of round-the-clock A-Rod coverage.

*Interesting side note - When I did the blog search for Debbie Clemens and found that link, this line stood out to me: "Then, Brian McNamee accused Debbie Clemens of taking HGH - and our jaws have yet to recover from hitting the floor so hard."

Dear Readers,
If I ever write anything that fucking stupid in this space and am half-way serious about it, let me know and I'll delete the blog and take a pair of scissors to my Ethernet cable.
Love Always,
CRM

I Can't Go When I People Watch

2008-02-27T09:01:00.004-05:00

This is really weird. From MSNBC:

Visitors to Britain will find a new stop on London’s site-seeing route this spring: a usable public toilet enclosed in one-way mirrored glass situated on a sidewalk near the River Thames. The contemporary art exhibit, which allows the user to see out while passers-by cannot peep in, toys with the concepts of privacy and voyeurism.

I hate it when weird people play the "art card."

Oh, you spread out a bunch of candies on a floor? It's art!

Note: I saw that candy exhibition. The fact that I was able to maintain and not blackout in rage is a good sign.

_______________________________________________________

I understand what this guy means when he says his review of the newest Black Crowes album was an "educated guess." I do that kind of thing all the time. Like when I write about how freaking awful Jumper looks and then everyone who is dumb enough to see it says that it kind of sucked. Vindication!

Remember in entertainment it's often best to judge a book or movie or album by its cover. Even if you haven't seen it.

Gay Men Now Skinnier, Whiter Than Ever

2008-02-26T16:08:00.004-05:00

With apologies to the cast of Real World: Philadelphia...

I always take a shower after I purge too.

I'm not going to write you a love song...cuz you asked for it...you need one...

Ah, damn it! Now it's stuck in my head!

Don't Attend Grad School Unless You Really Want To

2008-02-25T13:54:00.004-05:00

This message was brought to you by the guy writing a play for an English class. Hey, that's me! Watch out David Mamet, I'm coming for you.
I'm sure everyone is looking forward to reading "Airport Bar." I know I am.

The Ladies of TGIF Series Presents: Angela Watson

2008-02-22T09:25:00.000-05:00

Karen Foster - what a babe.Was Karen really hotter than Dana? I say no, but that's what we were supposed to believe. Angela Watson can now be found somewhere doing something. However, I have no idea where that somewhere is or what that something might be.

So Lost Was Fairly Good Tonight

2008-02-21T23:22:00.008-05:00

Tonight we had a Kate episode which is always nice.

Just...wow.

(I really wish I had a better excuse to post this picture, but I don't.)

She said Aaron - That means...of the Oceanic 6 8 6 ?, you can count out Claire. At the very least you have to weep for Emilie de Ravin.

Thus far we have Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid....

and Aaron(?), Ben(?)...

I disagree with the notion that you can count out Ben and Aaron because they weren't on the plane.

~~My mind is too blown~~ I'm too drunk right now to completely contemplate what just happened. I just felt I should share that Evangeline Lilly picture.

Photographic Update:

Since TBL threw up a link I figured I might as well add something here. Some people are saying that Claire has leapfrogged Kate in the Female LOSTies Power Rankings this season. I don't know how I feel about that - though I will admit it's a fierce competition. Either way, I'm sticking with Kate.

The Writers' Strike Is Over!: FOX

2008-02-21T10:03:00.007-05:00

As you probably know by now, the writers' strike has come to a close. That means it's time to gear up for new episodes of some of your favorite shows. Luckily, The New York Times didn't just give us updates on our favorite shows - they also let us know what was happening with shows that you hate or didn't even know existed. That's where I come in.

So far we've taken a look at ABC (Part 1 and 2) and CBS (Part 1 and 2). Today: CW FOX.

24 - "Off the schedule" "Officially postponed until sometime next season"
How exciting for fans of Jack Bauer. (Where are my car keys!?) The writers' strike meant nothing to them. Hmm...let's take a look at the cast list...oooh! A half-assed excuse to post a picture of Elisha Cuthbert! Bonus: 24: Hour Pizza Delivery

American Dad! - "Unknown number of episodes remain" " "
I'm going to warn you - if you expected any good information about any of the shows on FOX you're going to be disappointed. Just watch:

Back To You - "Two episodes remain; may air in February" "Fate is unclear"

Bones - "Four episodes remain; will air in spring" "Unclear whether additional episodes will be produced for this season"

Canterbury's Law - "Premieres April 14" " "

Family Guy - "Unknown number of episodes remain" " "

House - "Repeats air on Fridays" "Not likely to broadcast new episodes until late April or early May"

King of the Hill - "Unknown number of episodes remain" " "

New Amsterdam - "Premieres March 4" " "

Prison Break - "Two original episodes remain" "Fate is unclear"

The Simpsons - " Fourteen episodes remain" " "

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles - "New episodes through March 3" "If renewed, will not return until the fall"

'Til Death - "Premieres March 14" " "

As you can see, FOX has no idea what the eff is going on on its own back lot. On some shows they don't even know how many episodes they have left. They can't make a call and ask someone to count?

Personally, I'm excited for House. Lauren and I have been watching back-cataloged episodes purchasing DVD's, Hollywood video, Netflix, (the now-defunct) TV Links and other streaming sources, but we did it. Not having new episodes of House is a tough thing to get used to.

As for the newer FOX series:

I couldn't recall what Back To You was until I viewed the IMDB page and immediately remembered that it was Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton's triumphant return(s) to sitcom land. Just kidding - that show looks terrible. It also features Fred Willard which really means nothing. Bonus: Not that I've even pretended to keep with the same format, but did I mention Robbie Williams' girl Ayda Field? I should have.

New Amsterdam sounds like a winner: "A New York homicide detective is cursed with immortality."

Concerining 'Til Death: Brad Garret will hopefully be put down soon.

The Terminator show stars Lena Headey from 300.

Sarah Connor Chronicle's Summer Glau

Yesterday Was Pretty Freaking Big

2008-02-21T09:50:00.003-05:00

Sienna Miller: As you'll see, we were both pretty big deals yesterday.

I learned a little something about the internet yesterday: Sports Illustrated is a monster. (A good kind of monster. Kind of like how Dwight Howard is a monster)

I'd never really thought about SI's place in the blogosphere until their - and I mean this as a compliment - bloggish/Page 2ish part of the website Extra Mustard gave me a link in their Hot Clicks. (4th item down)

Now with screen capture!

After that went up, this little blog was seen by more people than ever before. And believe me, I had no idea just how small this blog really is. I got a month's worth of visits yesterday. It was freaking massive. And they're still coming.

Just thought this warrants mentioning. It also gave me an excuse to post a Sienna Miller picture, so I think we're all winners here. my ascent

The Writers' Strike Is Over!: CBS Part II

2008-02-20T13:45:00.001-05:00

This afternoon we continue on with "The Writers' Strike Is Over!" series. Today, CBS Part 2. (Part I) While I was putting this together I found two interesting things. The first being that I'm in my mid-twenties I'd never Googled Raquel Welch before today. Consider me enlightened. The second is something I'm even more excited about...but it deserves it's own post. So for now, find out what the old people are going to be watching now that the writers' strike has come to a close.

New Adventures of Old Christine - "Premiered Feb 4" "Future is much in doubt"
Another "hit" show that I've never seen. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for a Seinfeld alum finally doing something besides edgy comedy, but I just don't care about this show. CBS should have her do a show as Maggie Lizer (As in Maggie Lizer-ass off). It could be an offshoot of the CSI series(es). Bonus: Julia Louis-Dreyfus

NUMB3RS - "Final original episode airs Jan. 18" "Expected to shoot several new episodes soon"
The plot outline via IMDB: " Working for the FBI, a mathematician uses equations to help solve various crimes."
After I saw this show I decided to stop holding up liquor stores using protractors. Bonus: The stars of this show did made an orgy-filled sex tape. Here's a Safe For Work screen grab.*

Rules of Engagement - "In repeats" "Production status unknown"
I just don't see how this movie spin off could have kept it's core audience. Yet another David Spade vehicle is headed for a traffic collision. It's just too bad. Bonus: Megyn Price was one of television's all-time greatest MILF's on Grounded For Life.

Shark - "In repeats; Off the schedule" "Production status is unknown"
This show has two connections to Entourage:
1. Fuck Jimmy Woods
2. The chick Turtle and Drama double teamed.
Bonus: James Woods on vacation with his lady. (Was I supposed to say something about the show? Oops!)

The Big Bang Theory - "In repeats" "Expected to shoot 5-7 new episodes to air in April/May"
I've seen this show. My roommate insists on watching it despite the fact that it's made us laugh a grand total of 4 times. Maybe it's Kaley Cuoco. I don't know. Maybe I just enjoy jokes like this:

Leonard: [discussing Sheldon's work] At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions to get the math to work.

Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.

Leonard: Yeah? In what universe?

Sheldon: In all of them, that's the point!

ROTFLMAO!
Bonus: More Kaley Cuoco!

The Unit - "In repeats" "Production status is unknown"
I decided against Googling "the unit." I do know that Pedro Cerrano is in it.
Bonus: Look, I seriously know nothing about this show except for the fact that Pedro Cerrano is in it. I can't even find evidence of an attractive woman on the show. One interesting tidbit though - Max Martini. (I have no idea if this is Lance's brother.)

Two and a Half Men - "In repeats" "New episodes expected to begin airing in mid-March"
Of all the horrible shows I've never watched, this is the one that gets beat up the most. Maybe its the fact that it's the most popular show in America, yet no one in I really don't like Jon Cryer. I have no idea why. I just find him extremely annoying.

However, as I was surprised to learn that Jon Cryer played Randall Schwab Jr. in the OC and Stiggs movie. (More on that in the future;-) (That was kind of gay...)

Welcome to the Captain - "Premiered Feb 4"
This is why we were wishing the writers' strike would end people. So shows like this could finally be shown! It sounds like a winner to me:

A young writer moves into a legendary Hollywood apartment.

Characters names include: "Josh Flug," "Jesus," "Astrid," "Hope," "Uncle Saul," and of course, "The General." I'm just glad to see that Bob Knight found something to do now that he's not coaching anymore.

Hell, there are even 3 people I've heard of in the cast: Jeffery "Pop-Pop" Tambor, Chris "Suck me beautiful" Klien, and Raquel "Doesn't mover her arms when she dances" Welch. Let me be the first to say that this show is doomed. (Remind me of that in 3 years when it's a critical darling and fan favorite. Bonus: Joanna Garcia or old school Raquel Welch.

Without A Trace - "In repeats" "Expected to shoot several new episodes soon"
It's like CSI, but through the eyes of dead people or something. Bonus: Series star, Poppy Montgomery

*If you didn't see that coming you must be new here.

A Mavrickian E-Mail Scam

2008-02-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

Let's take a little look-see at the most intriguing aspect of "The Jason Kidd Trade." On paper this is a tremendous pickup for the Mavericks. They get a past his prime point guard who can't make a jump shot and they only had to give up half their active roster and 2 future first round draft picks.

And they had to sign Keith Van Horn.

To a 4 million dollar contract. From SI.com:

The big winner in this is Van Horn, who has been out of the league the last 11/2 seasons. Dallas still owned his rights, so his involvement is essentially to make the numbers work. He'll be signed then traded -- and, like Kidd, he'll be heading back to his original team. It seems highly unlikely he'll actually play for the Nets.

So...to recap...Devean Goerge used the no-trade clause in his contract which threw a monkey wrench in the plans for the original Kidd trade. Despite the fact that no one wanted George to stay in Dallas (teammates included) he stuck to his guns and refused to be traded.

This results in Keith Van Horn getting 4,000,000 dollars. All he has to do is nothing. He doesn't have to play. From what I understand he doesn't even have to go to New Jersey - where he probably owns a house! He played for the Nets from 1997-2002.

How many times do you think the people from the Mavericks and Nets had to call Van Horn before he let them finish what they were saying?

*ring ring ring*

KVH: Hello?

NBA Executive: Hello, Keith? This is so-and-so from the Mavericks/Nets.

KVH: Oh, hey. How are you?

NBA Exec: Good good. Look, we're trying to put this deal together involving Jason Kidd and the money just doens't work out. Can we sign you to a $4 million dollar contract?

KVH: Excuse me?

NBA Exec: You don't even have to play.

KVH: Who is this? Doleac? Stop calling me man. I don't want to see your stupid fucking championship ring!

NBA Exec: No! Keith, I'm seriou...

*click*

I assume this went on for a few hours and the police had to get involved. Eventually someone said, "No, really Keith - it's been all over ESPN and the internet for days now. Why don't you have cable?" At that point Keith Van Horn would explain that a "high percentage of his budget goes towards hair gel" and the police would leave.

I mean, this has to be the real life equivalent of one of those Nigerian e-mail scams:

Dear Keith Van Horn,

I know that this message will come to you as a surprise. I am the Owner with the Mavericks, of Dallas, Texas. And HDNet.I Hope that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families.

I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($4)million to your account within 10 or 14 game days. This money has been dormant for years in our Salary Cap without claim.I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our basketball team without notrade clause, Mr.Devean George who refused trade along with his supposed next of kin in an a contract, he is a deceased to me. Serious, they will fish his body from lake because of his distubrance of transgression.

I don't want the money to go into New Jersey's hand as an abandoned fund. So this is the reason why I am contacting you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of position to the jerk small forward. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested. League offices frown on not sending real player so keep the fact that you will not suite up of the utmost secrecy.

Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you full details on how the trade will be executed and also note that you will have 100% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me.

I am expecting your urgent response as soon as you receive my message.

Best Regard.
Mr.Mark Cuban

That's the last time I ignore an e-mail regarding a bank in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. I just hope next time the Mavericks need to make an 8 player deal, they contact me.

Wait A Minute - It's Not Friday. It's Not Friday!

2008-02-19T08:40:00.006-05:00

OK people. Let's get it together! How the hell did we miss this?

Anytime The Big Lead scoops me on something TGIF-related, there's a problem. I blame myself for not keeping up on my Googling. I suppose if I hadn't already used Christine Lakin 6 7 times I would be more upset.

I have to say that I feel like I'm partially responsible for Christine Lakin's reemergence as a sexual icon. (Warning: The preceding sentence contained hyperbole) Back in June she was just an ex-child star. Now she's staring in movies with Paris Hilton that gross upwards of $25,000 in a single weekend!

And the film currently sports a 1.1 rating at IMDB.com. That right - as of right now, this is the worst movie ever made.

Make no mistake - this is rarefied air that this movie inhabits. There have been some real shitbombs made by Hollywood. Here are some notable titles that have fared better in the eyes of the public than The Hottie and the Nottie:

#4 Who's Your Caddy?

#8 Crossover

#12 SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2

#13 From Justin To Kelly

#18 Going Overboard

# 23 Daddy Day Camp

#29 Glitter

#32 Chairman of the Board

#61 Epic Movie

#63 You Got Served

#64 Gigli

Unranked: Rollerball

As you can see, to even be mentioned in the same breath as some of these bombs is an honor within itself.

Great Moments In Consumption: Minor League Hockey Edition

2008-02-18T16:54:00.006-05:00

Just a tremendously awesome video that reinforces how awesome hockey players are.

Reminds me of the time I got real drunk off Cape Codders during the Marlins World Series run a few years back. It was during one of the losses and I went a little crazy. I ended up throwing all sorts of shit out the window and broke a bunch of stuff. It didn't look quite that bad, but it was one of those nights that helps you set guidelines as to what alcoholic beverages you should and shouldn't be drinking for entire evenings at a time.

Memories like this and videos like that are what make me resist every time Lauren says something like, "You should drink liquor instead of beer."

I also think back to the Patriots-Panthers Super Bowl where I drank a liter of vodka and in the form of screwdrivers. I'm pretty sure I sat on our bathroom floor for most of the 4th quarter before I finally went into my bedroom to lay down and listen to the game on the radio. Only, I didn't take the time to tune the radio and lay there with static blasting as loud as the stereo would go. One of my roommates came in and asked me to turn it down, but I screamed at him to get out of my room.

The next afternoon I woke up 15 minutes before I had to be at work. Everything was fuzzy - especially my recollection that I imagined Janet Jackson's nipple.

After that you'd run for the soothing embrace of a cool PBR too.

[Video via Fan House]

The Writers' Strike Is Over!: CBS Part I

2008-02-18T13:00:00.003-05:00

Since I don't feel like writing about the All-Star weekend festivities, or NASCAR, or hockey...OK, sports in general...I'm going to continue today with the ramifications of the end of the Writers' Strike.

Today I'm going to tackle CBS Part I. I'll even mention both the shows that you've heard of!

First up:

Cane - "In repeats; off the schedule" "Unlikely to return"
For some reason, when you search "Cane" on IMDB.com the first result is 2001's Joy Ride. A couple quick notes about Joy Ride.

It was co-written by LOST creator, JJ Abrams and caught Paul Walker right at the height of his powers - between The Fast and the Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious. The movie also featured the rhythm guitarist for The Oneders (pronounced "wonders") Steve Zahn and Leelee Sobieski whom I find utterly and unequivocally unattractive.

She's the most plain-looking actress to ever grace a movie screen. I imagine her as the most dull, vapid woman on the planet and I'd sooner smack myself in the face with a frying pan than look at a picture of her for more than 3 seconds.

Oh yeah, apparently Cane is about - and I quote - " A Latino family works together to operate a rum business." Yeah. Thanks, but no thanks. That sounds about as interesting as Leelee Sobieski's face. Bonus: Me not linking to a picture of Leelee Sobieski.

Cold Case - "Last original episode airs Feb. 18" "Production status unknown"
There is an inappropriate joke in my inner-circle of friends about Cold Case that I'm not going to share with you guys. Nothing personal. Bonus: This show features some of the weirdest uses of music...like this sexy music video for CCR's Have You Ever Seen The Rain.

Criminal Minds - "In repeats" "Expected to shoot several new episodes soon."
CBS loves this kind of shit. I swear, every show on this network was somehow inspired by Murder, She Wrote. Bonus: Series regular/star(?) A.J. Cook is a hockey fan.

CSI

CSI: Miami

CSI: New York

I could tell you all three of these derivative shows will be running constantly for the next 16 years. Instead? Proof Jim Carey can still be the man when he wants to:

Ghost Whisperer - "In repeats" "Expected to shoot several new episodes soon"
The tagline for this show should be changed from " The dead are talking...and she is listening" to "Jennifer Love Hewitt is talking...and you're staring at her chest." Bonus: More J-Love

How I Met Your Mother - "In repeats" "Expected to shoot several new episodes soon"
This is a great show. It makes me want to go to the mall.

Bonus: All-growed-up- Scherbatsky

Jericho - "7 episodes premiere Feb 12" "Awaits a renewal decision later this season"
This show has a psycho fan base that send a metric-fuck-ton of peanuts to network executives after the show was originally canceled. Bonus: (Cast member) Ashley Scott and Jessica Alba were in Into The Blue together.

Moonlight - "In repeats" "Will likely return in the fall."
I have never heard of this show. Not once. It's about vampires or some shit. Bonus: Jason Dohring

N.C.I.S. - "In repeats" "Expected to shoot several new episodes soon."
So, this is like CSI on a boat, right? Bonus: Cote de Pablo

Now I have to do some English homework. I'll finish CBS tonight or tomorrow morning. Enjoy the Love Hewitt.

You Have To Admit - Jumper Does Look Horrible

2008-02-15T08:05:00.004-05:00

Here's the IMDB summary of critic reviews:

Hayden Christensen might legitimately conclude that all the major critics have suddenly morphed into his most famous character when he reads their reviews of his latest movie, Jumper.

I don't have the faintest idea what that means. Star Wars refernce perhaps? Who did this guy play in Star Wars? A quick look at his resume reveals that he's never been in anything I've remotely given a shit about. Why do I know this guy's name?

Listen for the heavy breathing as you read the words of Jack Mathews in the New York Daily News: "Given its uninvolving story, uninteresting characters and the presence of half-man/half-tree Hayden Christensen, the movie is wholly dependent on special effects, which I rate only so-so."

That's the kind of review I somehow hope to get. Though, I must agree, even in the ads the special effects do look shitty. I just hope that guy wasn't calling Rachel Bilson uninteresting.

"Christensen was no doubt tapped for the role to pull inStar Wars fans," writes Walter Addiego in the San Francisco Chronicle, "and this comic book material isn't much of a test of whatever talent he may possess." (Hayden's co-star isSamuel L. Jackson, who played Star Wars' Mace Windu.)

I've never even considered seeing any of the Star Wars "prequels." And let me tell you, if this movie succeeds at the box office this weekend, Star Wars fans are a lot fucking dumber than I ever could have imagined.

Describing the film as "a barely coherent genre mishmash," Manohla Dargis in the New York Times concludes that it is "all bad, from the subliterate dialogue to the chaotic direction and heavily edited points in between."

Is this a feature film or an episode of Two and a Half Men?

Lou Lumenick in the New York Post says that most of the film is simply "a badly edited, hourlong chase sequence with some of the cheesiest special effects seen in a major studio release of late."

At least this movie sounds so bad that no one could ever defend it.

(Lumenick's colleague, Kyle Smith, gives the film half a star on his blog on the Post's website -- but the responses to his review on his blog suggest how effective he may be in discouraging his readers from watching it. One from "hurt fan" reads: "i was looking forward to this movie man and now youve completely destroyed it for me. i can only pray that i find another artical that completely contradicts your argument." Another writes: "They only hate it because Hayden Christensen is in it. he's still being punished for star wars.")

I fucking hate teenagers.

The film does receive a few so-so reviews. Peter Howell in the Toronto Star (perhaps giving Torontonian Christensen the benefit of a doubt) writes: "The movie is something of an abomination in narrative terms. But it does have its moments."

Look, I went to the same college as Jimmy Fallon, but you didn't hear me saying, "You know what? Taxi wasn't that bad." So, you get no free passes as far as I'm concerned, Peter Howell of the Toronto Star.

Did I mention I think this movie looks horrible? The only Jumper I'll ever recognize is by Third Eye Blind.

The Writers' Strike Is Over!: ABC Part II

2008-02-14T08:25:00.005-05:00

As you probably know by now, the writers' strike has come to a close. That means it's time to gear up for new episodes of some of your favorite shows. Luckily, The New York Times didn't just give us updates on our favorite shows - they also let us know what was happening with shows that you hate or didn't even know existed. That's where I come in.

Yesterday we looked at ABC: Part I - Today, Part II:

Grey's Anatomy - "In repeats" "Expected to shoot 4-5 more episodes to air in April/May"
Whew! Thank goodness Grey's is coming back. I've been an emotional wreck! Just kidding. My mother watches this show, so I guess I'm happy for her. She deserves something good in her life what with having two rotten ungrateful sons. Bonus: Katherine Heigl

Men In Trees - "Premieres Feb 27" "ABC has yet to decide whether to order another season"
This is the story of Ann Heche trying to find (and keep!) a good man. Ugh. Bonus: A cat named Ann Heche in a dryer! I Can Adz Dryr Sheetes?

October Road - "Several original episodes remain" "Production status unknown"
I don't have any idea what this show is. I'm looking at the IMDB page and can't remember even hearing about it. Somehow it's in its second season. This is all very disorienting. Bonus: Hot Donna is on this show.

Private Practice - "In repeats" "Might film some new episodes. Will return in the fall"
Grey's Anatomy had a spin-off? WTF? Bonus:I guess I won't dump on Kate Walsh (the star) because she played Nikki on The Drew Carey Show. Bonus: KaDee Strickland was in Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. Great flick..

Pushing Daisies - "In repeats" "Will return in fall"
Seriously, who is in charge over at ABC? This is the fifth show in a row that I've never seen a second of. I don't have any idea what night this show is on. Bonus: I forgot what I was talking about.

Samantha Who? - "Final episode airs Feb 18" "Will return in Fall if not before"
Always great when the name of a show asks the question for you. What the hell is Samantha Who? Is it about Pascal LeClaire's childhood sweetheart? Bonus: It does star Christina Applegate.

Ugly Betty - "Final original episode airs Feb 16" "Expected to shoot several new episodes soon; will return in fall." Confession: I've seen multiple episodes of Ugly Betty. I've also enjoyed every episode I've seen. (I have a girlfriend - I swear) Ugly Betty's main problem was that it was up directly against The Office last year, so any episodes I saw were viewed online while I was killing time at work. Bonus: Series regular, Becki Newton

What The End Of The Writers' Strike Means For Your Favorite Shows: ABC Part I

2008-02-13T12:00:00.000-05:00

As you probably know by now, the writers' strike has come to a close. That means it's time to gear up for new episodes of some of your favorite shows. Luckily, The New York Times didn't just give us updates on our favorite shows - they also let us know what was happening with shows that you hate or didn't even know existed. That's where I come in.

It will look something like this:

Title with IMDB link - Current Status/Prognosis (via NYT)
Hilarious remarks about said show/Bonus YouTube-age or sexy picture.

First up: ABC: Part 1

Big Shots - "Off the schedule" "Unlikely to return"
I had no idea what this was. When I IMDB'd it I immediately recognized it as the show that would be Chris Titus' triumphant return to prime time. Then forgot all about the show while I was reading its own IMDB page. Talk about staying power. Bonus: Episode of Titus

Boston Legal - "Final original episode airs Feb. 19" "4-7 new episodes to air in April/May"
I've never seen this show, but cannot bad-mouth it due to the fact that it stars Captain James T. Kirk and Murphy Brown. I assume you don't watch it either unless your a 45-year-old single woman. Bonus: "Steven Snell, I have a very good feeling about you."

Brothers & Sisters - "In repeats" " "
I was surprised this show isn't on UPN. Judging by the part that was left blank, I'd say this show that I didn't know existed has a bright future. Bonus: Remember when...

Carpoolers/Cavemen - "In repeats; off the schedule" "Unlikely to return"
Ahh...I'm guessing some of the Hollywood writers died of starvation during the strike. Judging by the outlooks on these two abominations, Darwin had it right. Now, I shall do a celebratory dance.

/dances around office celebrating demise of two awful television shows/

Woooooooo! That was fun! Bonus: I like to pretend they jumped from one of the towers right before it fell.

Cashmere Mafia - "Final original episodes end Feb. 13" "Fate is unclear"
From IMDB: A group of successful female executives who have been friends since college turn to each other for guidance as they juggle their careers with family in New York City.

Don't confuse it with Sex And The City: Four beautiful female New Yorkers gossip about their sex-lives (or lack thereof) and find new ways to deal with being a woman in the 90's.

So, it's like Sex And The City on free-TV - without nudity. Sounds like a winner to me! Oh yeah - don't get it confused with Lipstick Jungle: A look at the lives of Nico, Wendy, and Victory -- three of "New York's 50 Most Powerful Women," according to The New York Post.

"Original episodes" should probably be in quotes. I'll e-mail the Times. Bonus: Lucy Liu

Desperate Housewives - "In repeats" "Expected to resume production; new episodes will be shown by the spring"
Who cares? Bonus: Teri Hatcher

Dirty Sexy Money - "Three episodes remain" "Will be rebooted in the Fall"
I don't know what that means either. The synopsis sounds like a shitty, unfunny Arrested Development: A lawyer is forced to take care of one of New York City's wealthiest families.
This exercise is just pissing me off. Bonus: Samaire Armstrong

Lost - "Premiered Jan 31" "Will probably cut short its planned 16-episode season to about 13 episodes"
This isn't that big of a deal. When the strike started it looked like we were only going to get 8 episodes and the 8th would be an unplanned season ending cliff hanger that we might have had to wait until 2009 to see. Now, we get a bonus 5 episodes and they might reshape the final episode so that it's a more logical season finale. (for Lost anyway) Bonus: Mad TV's must-see Lost parody.

The Writers' Strike Is Over!

2008-02-13T09:45:00.004-05:00

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES...Wait - what do you mean Arrested Development isn't coming back? Fuck.

Oh, well. At least it's looking like an AD movie is a possibility. While we pine for the Bluths on the big screen we can take solace in the fact that some of our favorite television shows will be back with new episodes in the next few months.

The New York Times did a pretty good job of breaking it down, but they needed to go a little more in depth. So over the next couple of days I'm going to go down that list and tell you what all this really means to you, the educated-blog-reading-viewer. Each network will get their own post. I promise there will be pretty pictures and everything.Just like that!

Coming soon: ABC!

I'm A Lucky Guy

2008-02-12T15:01:00.001-05:00

It's not every day your girlfriend sends you pictures of Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman. I guess I'm just lucky like that. I don't know why the girls look so serious. There's even a puppy in the room. That would make any girl smile...but not these two thespians. They're just here to do press for their new movie The Other Boleyn Girl. If for some reason Lauren wishes to see that movie, I will not hesitate to pretend to be "dragged" to it...2 or 3 times.

These pictures coming on the heels of the news that ScarJo will be...well...I'm sure you've heard by now. It's a good time to be a heterosexual male.

[These pictures will apparently be in the upcoming issue of 'W.' I don't know what the hell that is, but God Bless the people that work there.]

Bill Simmons Needs To Talk To His Editors

2008-02-12T10:23:00.001-05:00

I was reading Bill Simmons' latest batch of links when I noticed something a little funny.

From his Monday links:

Much to my horror, a few readers mistakenly thought Friday's posting -- which was explicitly presented as a belated collection of Super Bowl e-mails from readers, as well as a chance for me to promote the auction of my Randy Moss jersey -- was actually a mailbag, leading to a few "that mailbag sucked!" e-mails. Come on! How could you call that a real mailbag???? I'm wounded.

Immediately, I thought to myself: Yeah, I can see that. I read about 1/3 of that collection of e-mails. He was obviously just trying to cope with the devastating loss. (The biggest choke job in history might I add) I can see how that wasn't really a "mailbag" the way he traditionally does a "mailbag."

One problem: his editors called it a mailbag. The line from Bristol to LA must have been down.

I won't even mention the fact that I almost threw up in the middle of attempting to read that collection of e-mails from Bill's "mailbox" that were not in any way a "mailbag."

I might mention something about the idiotic statement that...well, I'll let Bill tell you himself:

Brady buying himself time with a planned rollout, Moss sprinting down the sidelines flanked by two d-backs, and then Brady launching the ball 70 yards down field as every Giants fan in the building stopped breathing. The pass was right on target and Moss would have caught the football had he jumped for it ... which he didn't. I will always believe that. And by the way, it's taking all the will power in my sick body to refrain from a "If it were Week 6 and we were winning by 28, Moss would have caught the football" joke.

The play that he is referring to of course is this one: (Fast forward to the 1:45 mark)

Yes. It was a hell of a pass. Though, some might say it was a bit under thrown as Moss had a step on both Giants DB's and had to slow down to get his hands on it. (It's tough to jump straight up in the air when you're running at full speed.) Suffice to say, if Moss had somehow caught that pass we wouldn't even remember The Giant Snatch. Lynn Swann would have gone the way of the '72 Dolphins had Moss hauled that one in.

Of course, if it were week 6 and the Patriots were up by 28 they would have actually won the game. So I guess this argument - much like Bill's - doesn't make much sense.

Saving Hockey Players From Themselves

2008-02-12T07:50:00.000-05:00

Enough is enough! In light of recent events, I am of the opinion that we need to rethink the safety in one of our major sports. In the last week alone we've had two horrible accidents that could have easily been avoided with a slight rule change:

We need to ban ice skates from ice hockey.

They're just plain dangerous.

Many will argue that outlawing skates in hockey will hurt the sport. It will become less "pure." Hey, I bet people thought the same thing about face masks in football or batting helmets in baseball. Sometimes you have to adapt with the safety of your players in mind.

Seriously, how great a sport can hockey be if all it's players and referees are dead?

See Little Jimmy over here? This little guy looks cute and harmless right?

Well, when he's bearing down on you at 100 miles-per-hour wearing those blades of death I bet you think differently. That little bugger is bringing the pain and all he cares about is putting you into the boards and slitting your freaking throat.

Little Jimmy is a Canadian killing machine. He was bred for this shit. You feel me?

Hockey players aren't like basketball players. They're crazy. And it doesn't end on the ice. They snatch purses like they're marble rye.

In short, they're thugs. I want you to think about this. Before Little Jimmy lays you up for a month. Don't think he won't do it.

I Need What Now?

2008-02-07T10:06:00.000-05:00

As those of you who frequent this blog know, I'm an avid bowler. Hold on, is avid the right word? Hmm...

desirous to the point of greed : urgently eager

Umm...I guess so?

Sure let's roll with "avid."

As those of you who frequent this blog know, I'm an avid bowler. When I joined my first league this year I signed up for the United States Bowling Congress. As Mac from Always Sunny would say, "Dee, beer. That's right, bitches! I'm a Congressman. Dee - what's with the beer?"

Anyway, when you become an official member of the USBC (That's what we call it on the inside) not only do you get a cool little membership card that earns you a sweet 15-percent discount at the snack bar during league play. (Score!)

You also get a free subscription to the official USBC magazine. Being the avid bowler that I am, I decided to take a look a my complimentary magazine. What I found inside shocked me.

Apparently, I don't carry enough balls. A serious amateur bowler who only frequents one "house" should carry a minimum 2 strike balls and 1 spare ball.

I'm sorry, what's that? 3 balls - minimum?

Now, I have 2 balls, but that's misleading. One was my father's from when he used to bowl in a league when I was an infant. So that ball is about a quarter of a century old. The other ball I have was bought at Dick's Sporting Goods in a bin full of mis-drilled balls. It just so happened that one of the retard-balls happened to fit my hand just right.

I don't know if one of them is a spare ball or not. Even if I did I would have to carry it in my bare hands because I have a tiny little bowling bag that barely fits my shoes. I guess I'm going to have to get one of those mofo's with wheels.

Roy Williams Has Great Taste

2008-02-07T09:04:00.000-05:00

You know what I like about this picture?
Everything!

Here's University of North Carolina head basketball coach, Roy Williams and the entire staff of a Hooters. Let me just say that Roy is a lucky guy, becuase I've been to a Hooters before and the girls did not look like that.

Damn you, Upstate New York! With your cold winters and your below average Hooters girls! Damn you straight to Hell!

Hat Tip to TBL reader, Robert whose last name I won't post to save his family embarrassment.

It's Super Tuesday And I'm Calling This Thing!

2008-02-05T14:53:00.000-05:00

With .026% of districts reporting we here at Cousins of Ron Mexico are calling it for Ron Paul!

Which state you might be wondering?

Fuckin' ALL OF THEM!

Did I mention he won both the Republican and Democratic primaries? Yes, it was quite the surprise. Such a surprise that Hilary cried.

What a scoop!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

My apologies to anyone that came here from TBL expecting real news. You should have known better.

Your Half-Assed American Gladiators Post

2008-02-05T07:57:00.000-05:00

Say isn't someone supposed to be writing something in this space? I suppose I could just post the Fucked Up Tales video again. To all of you who took the time to watch that - I apologize for raping your childhoods. It wasn't my intention. Also, I didn't make the video - I just passed it along.

American Gladiators was on last night and I started to do a dead-blog/running diary, but ended up leaving my house to watch elsewhere. Here's what I got before I left:

Firrst off, let me say that Lalia Ali looks stunning tonight. Woooo….and commercial!
The ladies up first in ~~duck~~ Hit and Run.

We've got Siene and Shanay. You might remember Siene because apparently she used to be a fatty, but now she's kind of cute. Good for her.

The ladies race across the bridge in what's probably the most boring event. Hulk asks

Speed Freak Evan vs. Guido Firefighter Anthony

Anthony is probably pretty happy tonight what with the Giants winning the Super Bowl yesterday.

First up for the guys is Power Ball which has ruined the livelihood of 20-something competitors via ACL tears. When you take in the violence factor Power Ball has got to be tops.

Anthony takes a quick break for some pizza-pie before we get stated. Yet again Evan can't sit still….and commercial!

Hit and Run does not disappoint. As usual

Hang Tough – Hulk makes some sort of weird monkey/ape metaphor. Very strange. Also, there's a scissoring reference.

At this point I went to Lauren's where I felt that I probably shouldn't keep writing in her presence seeing as how she sat next to me while I Semi-Live-Blogged the Super Bowl Sunday. She deserves better.

The rest of the episode took forever. It was a 90 minute episode which means 0% more action and 50% more commercials. When all was said and done the Speed Freak won easily completing the Eliminator in about 30 seconds and I don't remember who won for the women.

One thing that is disappointing is that people are starting to figure out the Travelator. This means less falling. That was bar far the highlight of most early episodes - watching people fail to climb and treadmill with a 45-degree incline.

One thing that made me laugh was watching Crush pummel the ladies in Joust. It's just good clean fun.

I also love how Hulk has taken to calling all points "big."

"You just scored 8 big points, brother."
"You just scored 2 big points, brother."
Etc.

He's a big dumb animal, isn't he folks?

The Giants Victory Helped My Family Bond

2008-02-03T23:11:00.001-05:00

I originally posted this last night at the end of my Super Bowl Semi-Live-Blog on The Big Lead, but I kind of liked it, so I'm reposting it here. It almost looks like it was written by a real writer. Crazy right?

I guess I should sum up my thoughts in case future generations read this as an official record of what happened on this historic night. It also gives me an excuse to throw up one more picture of Elisha.

I guess the best way to explain what the Giants win means is to you that my father and brother both called me as time ran out on the Patriots magical season.

My brother called to ask if I could believe what I was seeing as his roommate lay on their living room floor drinking vodka straight. When he wakes up in the hospital in the morning I’m sure the Doctor - a Giants fan - will tell him he’s lucky to be alive. My brother’s roommate - a Patriots fan - will probably disagree.

My father then called. He grew up a Giants fan and you could hear that in his voice. He told me that he never had any doubts. I could hear my mother in the background saying “Oh please.”

While I think about how my family reacted to this historic accomplishment, I can’t help but be happy for Eli and like Peyton a little more tonight. Watching Peyton cheer on Eli from a box had to remind everyone of watching their own sibling play. Sure I never supported my brother, but if I had, I’m sure I would have been just as happy as Peyton was tonight.

Glad I could be here to provide pictures of half-naked girls for everyone while we witnessed what may go down as the biggest, most improbable upset in the history of the NFL.

Ducked Up Tales

2008-02-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

This is just twisted. TWISTED! I say! I couldn't not post this. [Via Best Week Ever]

The thing about this video is that it combines fond memories from my childhood with sexual predators.

I really don't know what else to say about this... Remember GizmoDuck? He first appeared in the Super Duck Tales movie and would say "Blathering blatherskite." I had no idea "blatherskite" was a real word. A blatherskite is a "babbling foolish person."

Ugh - need sleep.

Saturday's UFC 81 Is Big Night For The Future Of The UFC (Probably)

2008-01-31T10:51:00.000-05:00

UFC 81 is this weekend and it's a big card.

By big of course I'm talking about the two main events: The interim Heavyweight Title bought between former champ Tim Sylvia and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and the UFC debut of Brock Lesnar against former champ Frank Mir.

As any UFC fan knows, the big guys can be a little, um...boring if there isn't a big bloody knockout in the first 2 minutes. The most recent heavyweight example of this was Tim Sylvia souring the return of Brandon Vera by leaning on him for 15 minutes - a fight that almost led to me breaking my roommate's flat screen.

Hopefully, this weekend will be different. I'll talk more about Sylvia further down, but let's focus on Brock Lesnar. Some residents *cough* Michael David Smith *cough* of the blogosphere have opined that any success by Lesner in the UFC will hurt the organization because Lesnar is "rooted" in the Professional Wrestling world. (And another example)

I personally think that's an asinine statement. The argument MDS is trying to make is that having a former professional wrestler become successful in MMA will almost de-legitimize the sport: people will start to blur the lines and think that MMA is, well, kind of fake.

One of his posts was met with this comment:

Lastly, if you want to be associated with the WWE, then how long before these fights are predetermined the day before the match? Just like they did with Nascar, they will screww up a great sport.

See, idiots like the guy who came up with that comment, the UFC does not need. Use your heads people.

If anything hurt the UFC, it was the tremendous event that was UFC 80. The entire card was too good. As I said the day after it aired - it was the greatest top to bottom UFC event in the history of the sport. Only two of the nine UFC 80 fights went the distance and one was a classic slug fest between Paul Kelly and Paul Taylor.

I'm hoping for Lesnar's sucess - and he most likely will succeed this weekend if for no other reason than to see what MDS has to say about it.

Moving on to Tim Sylvia...

He's probably the most frustrating fighter in MMA. He's massive and fun to root against. He even sleeps with his belt. (In a different way than we've ever heard on a UFC broadcast.)

Love him or - more than likely - hate him, Tim Sylvia is going to be a major part of the title picture for the foreseeable future no matter what happens Saturday night. Well, if you aren't a big fan of "The Maine-iac" here's something that will either make you hate him more or kind of like the big lug.

Apparently, Sylvia isn't the only MMA guy to have appeared on Blind Date. Josh Thomson, Tiki Ghosn and Pete Spratt have all looked for love on late night television. God, Blind Date is a great flippin' show.

[Hat tip to Lance Martini of Film Drunk for the Sylvia video]
[And Xmas Ape at With Leather for the disturbing Sylvia piece...heh heh "piece"]

Update/Edit:

Upstate Underdog made a good point in the comments that I omitted.

I thought it would be unnecessary to bog down people's minds with statistics like:

106-5 career D-1 record
2-time NCAA All-American
2-time Big Ten Champion
2000 NCAA heavyweight champion

It's just that I found it trivial considering the number of other UFC stars were also collegiate wrestlers: Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, Quinton Jackson, Dan Henderson, Matt Hughes, Josh Koscheck, Jon Fitch, Diego Sanchez, Rashad Evans, Tito Ortiz, Clay Guida, Keith Jardine, Roger Huerta, Jake O’Brien, Frankie Edgar, Matt Hamill, Brandon Vera, Gray Maynard - to name a couple.

But I guess none of that matters if you spend your first few years out of college making your living doing something outside traditional sports, no matter how athletically gifted you have to be to actually do something like be a professional wrestler.

Happy Birthday, CRM

2008-01-30T08:41:00.000-05:00

Did I mention that Cousins of Ron Mexico is 1-year-old, today?

It's true. It's been one whole year since the first pathetic excuse for a post.

Honestly, I'm kind of proud of myself for keeping this thing going. Truth be told, when I started this I fully expected to walk away from it after a week or two. Somehow, I didn't as evident by my typing this here, now.

The Mitchell Report sullied our heroes. Et tu, Roger Clemens? (Just kidding - FUCK Roger Clemens)

The Sex Cannon's fall from grace.

In the time I've been writing this blog Pacman (and MOE) made it rain.

We were introduced to the RST boys. (They've got a new song/video coming in a month or so.)

We were re-introduced to Christine Lakin. Again. And again. And again and again and....

Michael Vick - the namesake of this blog - killed some puppies.

American Gladiators returned.

Brady Quinn showed us his love of dance.

I learned to photoshop - for better or worse.

Lauren came back after a year in England.

And I visited her.

We were introduced to the Fantasy Team Savior - Purple Jesus.

Fuck you David Chase.

I got a weekend job.

And with the last one, I'll start the thank yous.

Lauren for being herself - both in America and abroad - and not getting upset when I think up the lamest excuses to post pictures of hot girls. It's gotta be tough to be a blogger WAG.

TBL obviously has played a huge part in what little growth this blog has enjoyed. And he now trusts me with his site on the weekends which is a brave thing for anyone to do - Even I questioned his decision.

JC - Scott Van Pelt Style or any of the other 35 blogs Jarrett Carter wants to be identified by - My original serial commenter who deserves more than the crickets most of the comment sections respond with.

Everyone that has followed me here from my comments on other blogs - you know who you are.

Everyone on the blogroll for writing kick ass blogs that I can steal from. (And then credit of course)

Marv, Kyle, Chris, Pat, Slobadow, Chri$tian, Orson and everybody else from the card games that never happen anymore. The card games lead to e-mailing links, which finally turned into this blog.

So thanks again to everyone who is reading this. Hopefully, someday I can take this blog corporate and never have to work a real days work again. Remember - YOU can make it happen!

Stuff That May Or May Not Have Occured To Me As I Drove To Work This Morning

2008-01-30T07:56:00.001-05:00

I fell down some steps yesterday. Hurt like a mofo. Now my knee is sore and it feels like I got punched in the ass. (Not in the fun way either. I've said too much.) I'm limping around here like Gregory House.

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Since I got my iPod for Christmas I haven't listened to the radio much - especially on the ride to work. I didn't realize it until I flipped from Mike & Mike to Free Beer and Hot Wings this morning and realized it was the first time I'd heard their voices since before Christmas. The moment could have been considered nostalgic if it had been longer than a month since I'd listened to them and they weren't discussing wiping habits.

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I can't be the only one who thinks Junior Seau looks like an old lesbian in this picture, right?I am? Okay, forget I said anything.

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Man, it's cold in here. I got to tell you, I'm freezing at Pee Wee Hockey. Hopefully, help is on the way.

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From the posts that never materialized category:

I had to put this on the blog or I'd forget it myself: UFC Fight Night 12 takes place this evening.

Wow! Watch out Joe Rogan! I'm coming for your job!

What a tool. The great part is that I actually saved that one thought like it was so freaking profound I'd never get to that level of consciousness again.

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Big news: I've made it to Dave Lozo's [Why Don't We Get Drunk And Blog?] blogroll.

If you look, you'll notice it's set up like an AP Poll with a Top 25 and then a list of blogs that also received votes. (That's me!) Now, I don't know if Lozo actually fills out a bunch of ballots or just makes those numbers up, (Just like the BCS - ZING!) but it's always an honor to get nominated. (Take that notion and straddle it Juno)

Notice the #1 blog is The Big Lead. I write for TBL, so I'm kind of the number 1 blog! What a honor. I'm going to go have a celebratory drink - what do you mean it's only 8 in the morning? Don't judge me, monkey.

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Finally, it appears that Rudy Guliani is set to drop out of the race to the White House. You know what that means - Ron Paul is a sexual assault claim (Come on Huckabee - that intern is just asking for it) and a horrific bus accident away from being the number 2 Republican going into Super Tuesday. Good odds for any Spartan.

The Lost Mannings

2008-01-29T13:35:00.001-05:00

This is a special post for everybody that went to college with me. The picture originated in this awful piece about what a little girl Eli Manning is at heart. The gist is made up in this quote I made up:

When Peyton and Cooper were out playing sports, Eli was wearing a pink apron baking cookies with his mom and talking about what boys he thought were cute in his class.

Yup, that's a Super Bowl quarterback.

Stuff I've Meant To Write In The Last Two Weeks, But Ultimately Haven't: Part 1

2008-01-28T22:40:00.000-05:00

So….~~I’ve seen some nutty shit in the last few days~~ (Hmm. There’s got to be a better way to say that.) I’ve seen some crazy stuff lately. (Much better!) Some of these wacky events I started writing about - very briefly, as you'll see - and never finished. If nothing else, it's an opportunity for me to rip on me. Lord knows I deserve it.

I have no idea where I saw this, but I remember being…put off.

This week's issue of Sports Illustrated -- the one with Brett Favre setting up to pass, a snowstorm camouflaging him, and the words "Totally Cool'' ribboned across the cover -- arrived at the biggest newsstand in Green Bay, Bosse's Newsstand and Smoke Shop, on Thursday at around 8 a.m. A crowd stretching around the block waited, some arriving at 6 a.m., for the 1,000 copies to arrive, and when they did, the deliveryman had a police escort into the store, and some fans chanted, "Go, Pack Go!'' It took about two hours for the magazines to sell out. The store had to turn about 100 people away.

Really?

Really? Ugh. What can be said about this? What type of deviant fan do you have to be to line up for a copy of Sports Illustrated 2 hours before a store opens? Rereading this now makes me glad the Packers lost.

I wish I had the addresses of each of the 1,000 or so people who were waiting in line that morning so I could send them Favre’s NFC Championship game stats once a week for a least a year.

Suuuuuuuure….it might get a little expensive, but I’ve got a job right? If I’m not buying flowers for Lauren with my money I might as well be sending envelopes stuffed with 19/35, 236 yards, 2 touchdowns and 2 interceptions to dumbass Packers’ fans. Hell, I’d probably put the 2 interceptions in bold like that. Pretty vindictive, huh?

These are probably the same people who sat in line waiting to see Meet The Spartans while There Will Be Blood shows in a half-empty theater down the hall. Stupid fucking Americans.

The Ladies of TGIF Series Presents: Christine Lakin Again

2008-01-25T14:37:00.000-05:00

It's Christine Lakin's birthday today. I don't know when this blog turned into Entertainment Tonight, but seeing as how it's Friday and all, I feel it must be mentioned. She's been the TGIF girl a countless number of times.

Okay, like 5 times. (Plus 1)

We might be seeing more from Al in the near future. She has a movie coming out next month with Paris Hilton called The Hottie and the Nottie.

That was pretty filthy. I almost chuckled at a couple parts of that trailer, but I know that this movie will suck with the force of a thousand vacuums. I guess I'm just glad to see that Joel David Moore found work after Grandma's Boy.

Spike's In Pee-Wee Hell!

2008-01-25T08:51:00.000-05:00

Remember Little Giants? Of course you do. It introduced us to The Annexation of Puerto Rico and featured a young - and already dreamy - Devon Sawa. Well, Little Giants is 14 years old and one of the main characters turned 25 today. Care to guess who I would choose to mention?

This is much less suspenseful without a jump or something.

Is Spike mistaken? Isn't the Ice Box kind of hot now?

That's right- it's Becky O'Shea (real name: Shawna Waldron). I'm glad to know that Becky finally shed that tomboy image. She'd probably feel much less awkward dressed as a cheerleader now.

Hey, remember how she played the second half of the Cowboys game with pads and a cheer leading skirt?

One final thought: Spike was a great character. Remember when he was carrying the refrigerator on his back? And then he did chinups on his father's arm. Classic Spike.

Man, Little Giants is a classic movie.

Cloverfield Monster's Zamboni Ride

2008-01-24T09:36:00.000-05:00

Cloverfield Monster is filling in again this morning. He's new to hockey, so don't get upset if his insights aren't as clever as mine or he results to stale jokes and played-out Canadian stereotypes. Just sit back and enjoy the Zamboni Ride - CRM

Maple Leafs 3, Capitals 2

I'm new to hockey (hoc-key? roar-oflma!), but I do know that Canadian people are good at the sport. So as I see it, there should be no surprise when a team from Toronto beats a team from Washington. A human named Vesa Toskala made 30 saves for the victorious Maple Leafs. Am I the only one who thinks a Maple Leaf would be delicious? I'll have to try one this fall when I visit Vermont for the first time. Hopefully, they're more welcoming than the people of Manhattan.

Canucks 3, Blues 2, SO

Again, no surprise here. Another Canadian team beating another American team. Why even play the games? On my home planet...I've said too much. Daniel Sedin scored the only shootout goal for the win.

Red Wings 2, Ducks 1

Both these teams sound delicious. ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR!